Chris Kluwe – the Ultimate Internet Troll

Yesterday, I was reading a Deadspin article about airplane etiquette (I fucking love to fly) and stumbled upon a comment from an insufferable Internet troll that immediately put me into hate reading mode.

CK Spirit Airlines

So Chris Kluwe flies Spirit Airlines?  Grosss.  Even in college when I had no income, I would’ve never, ever subjected myself to flying such a shitty airline.  Why on earth is Chris Kluwe doing it?  He made over $7.5M in the NFL, so he either squandered an obscene amount of money to become broke, or he is one of those annoying cheap assholes that cannot tell the obvious differences between sensible frugality and miserly behavior.  It reminds of this one time I had a roommate (with a six figure salary) who Venmo charged everyone in the apartment 32 cents to pay for a random PPV movie on the cable bill.  She was hot though, so we still loved living with her (when she was single).

Some people really enjoy Chris Kluwe’s takes and hope he becomes an established writer somewhere on the Internet; none of those people are humans that I would enjoy hanging out with.  Chris Kluwe is an insufferable troll and I hope that one day he just leaves the Internet forever.

Let’s do a quick recap of who Chris Kluwe is for those who may not know of him…  Basically, he punted for the Vikings for eight years, and when he eventually got cut for a younger alternative, he ratted out his former coaches with 4,000 words of butthurt drivel on Deadspin.

He said he was cut because of his controversial off the field comments, but any football fan with a brain knows that he was cut because he was old, injured, and did not warrant a $1.4M salary.  But besides that, yeah all the off field shenanigans were probably really annoying for the rest of the Vikings.  You can say ‘distractions’ are overrated, but there is no way all of his teammates weren’t annoyed by having to answer questions about a fucking punter all the time.

No Chris Kluwe – it’s not what was being said, it’s who was saying it.  Take this famous Peyton Manning rant and multiply it by 100, because punters are infinitesimally less important than kickers or any other position in football.  (true story – I’m a diehard Cowboys fan with season tickets, and I don’t know who our punter is nor do I care to find out)

You think he’s still holding grudges?  Check out this comment on a quick post about how the NFL televised a schedule release show during the football and hockey playoffs

CK Media Whore

What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?  Go the fuck away dude!

If you’re not convinced yet that Chris Kluwe is the worst, here are some other comments that show just how unchill he is…

On Barry Bonds

CK Barry Bonds

If you’re a sports fan under 40 and you hate Barry Bonds, you’re the worst.  I don’t need to go into all the reasons behind this, but lets just say he is way more deserving of those home run records than Mark fucking McGwire.

On perfect games in baseball

CK Perfect Game

Really dude?

On the Ballers premiere

CK Ballers

Ohhh no those poor athletes!!  They have to be young, rich, and wealthy!?  God I’m so glad I wasn’t blessed with amazing athletic talent or my life would be the fucking worst. (Ballers sucks by the way)

On Game of Thrones

CK GoT

And that clinches it…  One of the great social litmus tests of 2015 is if you’ve been watching Game of Thrones for years and are just now quitting, you suck as a person.