Even in 2020, We Can Party Like It’s 1999

2020 might be the worst year in modern history for partying, but Stars fans could still yet party like it’s 1999. Even if we have to celebrate alone, getting our first Cup since that glorious year will be just as sweet.

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Besides Manchester United and all the back room bribing they pulled off during lockdown, no team in sports benefited more from covid shakeups than the Dallas Stars. First off, we finished normalcy era in an absolute funk with a six game losing streak and we’ve had months to shake those jitters off. Most importantly, the new format will give us a fairer seed and make our playoff matchups MUCH easier than expected.

Normally, schedules are weighted by division and then the playoff bracket is set up to make division matchups in the first two rounds. For us, that meant despite being a consensus top three team in the conference, we would’ve had to beat both St Louis and Colorado (the other two of the consensus top three) in the first two rounds just to make the conference finals. It’s dumb and annoying as hell, but the NHL needs to do it for ratings because the simps are still too obsessed with watching shitty basketball games.

This year, however, the league is resetting the top four seeds after a quick round robin series. From there on, the bracket will be reseeded each round. We now have a shot at jumping to the 1 seed over three games and getting an easy as fuck path to the conference finals. Awesome!

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Can we capitalize? Maybe. Hopefully. We certainly have the talent to do it and go all the way, but we also have the potential to fuck up. You can get a feeling as to why when reviewing the topsy turvy path we took to get here…

Last year, we took the cup champion Blues to Game 7 overtime and got screwed over by the refs by not having a single power play. It wasn’t the only game in that series we got screwed in, but it was the one that hurt the most.

Wide open tap in to clinch the series. Zucc gets interfered out of desperation. No goal. No call. Stars end up losing. Fucking ridiculous. We should have been champions last year, but the future still looked bright after getting that far with phenom 1st year coach Jim Montgomery.

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We entered the year with a ton of hype. Apparently things were looking gooood in training camp. But we started the season 1-7-1 and major panic ensued. Montgomery, the phenom we were so giddy about having just one month prior, was one period away from getting fired before a five goal 3rd period kickstarted a 12 game point streak to save his ass.

Unfortunately, Monty still ended up fired in December. Not because of our play on the ice, which was rolling at full tilt again, but rather because he couldn’t control his alcoholism. It’s alleged around the internet that he got drunk and banged an ice girl at the holiday party a few days prior. Fucking crazy!

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Monty’s replacement, Rick Bowness, is a bit of an enigma in the NHL. He started coaching pro hockey as a player-coach for the Jets in 1982. That’s 38 total years! Nobody has coached more games than Bowness. He’s served most of them as an assistant because his HC record is among the worst all time. However, most of those losses came with really shitty expansion teams where he couldn’t do much.

On the ice, the Stars haven’t looked different at all under Bowness as they did under Monty. Mostly it’s been awesome, but that six game losing streak to end the season was as worrying as the 1-7-1 streak to start it.

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Goaltending is incredible. Defense is pretty good. Offense has talent, but its inconsistency has been the weak link. We can get to the nitty gritty in later blogs because we’re running out of room here, but I’ll leave you this great Sports Sturm breakdown of the offensive woes back in October. Not much has changed since then.

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We have the potential to do it all this year. We basically proved it last year, and we’ve shown it in bits and pieces this year. Can we put it all together and lift the cup this year? Sure! Why not? All of those playoffs runs in the glory years started with beatdowns in Edmonton. That’s where all our games will be this year. We dominate in that building.

The journey starts tonight against Vegas. When it ends, we’ll be partying like it’s 1999. Let’s get after it.

Even in 2020, We Can Party Like It’s 1999

The Mavs Keep Fucking Up

I’ve said all along the only playoff matchup I’m scared of is the Clippers, and unfortunately that means a one-and-done for the Mavs this year because we are locked in as the 7 seed to play them. Climbing the standings was an uphill battle to start with because we had already played three extra games and our win percentage was inelastic relative to everyone else’s. We had a reasonable shot to overcome that but were undone by the same problems that kept knocking us down pre-covid.

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Friday night vs houston was about as must win as these games can get and we looked to be cruising for most of it. 85 points in the first half! We had a surefire 7 point lead with 45 seconds left, but ended up choking in a manner all too familiar with our woes from normalcy era.

Trash defense and trash rebounding (ultimately lost because we couldn’t rebound a missed free throw with 3 seconds left) are the obvious culprits for our clutch time issues, but the offense is surprisingly a major issue too. We have the #1 ranked offense in the league, possibly in league history stats-wise, but in clutch time that rating plummets to #29 (out of 30). How is that even possible?

The first is an over reliance on threes – over 50% of our shots come from behind the arc in clutch time. We hit 21.4% of those, down from 36.8% normally. We don’t have another ball handler to take pressure off of Luka, and he’s way overconfident in his step back when trying to overcome that extra attention. When we do get open looks, we’re not as confident in hitting them. Most concerning though is the free throw issues…

Brutal. Luka definitely needs to improve before he graduates from just goat-in-training status. Seth Curry is also perplexing because he’s the second best three point shooter of all time. He missed one that would’ve iced the game on Friday and now probably won’t be able to make up for it until next year.

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Last night against the trash ass Suns, we looked to be cruising to a laugher again until deciding to take the third quarter off. The same thing happened vs Phoenix earlier this year and it was another all too common problem from the normalcy era.

Because these issues are mostly mental, and considering we didn’t have these problems two years ago with a lesser roster, I thought the happiest team on earth could’ve used all these bubble factors to make some noise and kickstart the dynasty talk up a year. Alas, we will have to wait.

The Mavs Keep Fucking Up

Inter Miami Had the Worst Start in MLS History but Will Be Dominating the World Soon Enough

Later this century when Inter Miami is the most famous soccer team in the world, an interesting footnote in our history will be the record setting futility in our start to MLS. We’ve tallied five losses in five matches with three total goals scored. Not good, but also not as bad as it seems.

Our first loss was about as heroic as a franchise opener could be given the circumstances. In the second match vs DC United, we looked to be up 2-0, but our second goal was disallowed and then turned into a red card because of a handball minutes earlier (highlights of that bullshit if you care). In the MLS is Back Tourney, we were plagued by dirty play, trash refs, and a slight lack of talent. All three games were one goal losses with the first two happening in the final 30 minutes.

It’s not so bad. We played well, but we need more players to start winning. Expansion teams always have to write off their first seasons, but this was a write off season for every team. Good timing if you ask me!

Our big preseason transfer, Rodolfo Pizarro, was pretty decent in the #10 (attacking midfielder) role. He was previously a big star down in Mexico, including on the Pachuca team that broke FC Dallas’s heart in 2018. He also has a badass Joker pose for celebrating goals…

Pizarro alone isn’t enough to make us good, but someone with an even more famous mouth is just a year away from joining us for free.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Get your hate in now before Inter Miami starts dominating the world. There’s not much time left.

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FC Dallas Update – my other team, FC Dallas, did not play in the MLS is Back tournament because the state of Texas was covid-hoaxing the entire state of June. It’s too bad, because the way it’s played out we would probably still be in this thing. Oh well.

Inter Miami Had the Worst Start in MLS History but Will Be Dominating the World Soon Enough

Zeke’s Been Feeding Himself Kills in Some Badass Warzone Wins

We’re still in the offseason but that doesn’t stop Zeke from cranking out some sick highlights for Cowboy Nation:

What a player. What a competitor. You can tell by the way he licks his lips while killing that ‘Feed Me’ is more than a football mantra – it’s a life mantra.

I’m certain I’ve played this game more than Zeke and I feel alright about my skills, but he’s still as better than me at Warzone as he is at NFL football. The C4 throws. The confidence in the final circles. The swagger to assassinate that motherfucker with a finishing move. It’s a classic example of how most great athletes aren’t just great at the sport they play; they’re great at anything remotely resembling a competition.

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Partying is a competitive sport for most bros and Zeke has been no exception throughout all his prior offseasons. This year however, he’s been forced to channel that energy into video games and has had the quietest summer since he’s been drafted. That hasn’t stopped scumbag outlets like SI from continuing to slander his name, so we’re getting used to the fact that people will be after his character for the rest of his career.

By all public accounts over the past four years, Zeke has shown nothing but class. Interviews, All or Nothing footage, streams, mic’d up segments – they’ve always portrayed a calm, chill, happy-go-lucky beacon of utter confidence. He doesn’t want trouble, but haters are bringing it to him anyways because they’re convinced he’s a monster whenever we can’t see. At this point, there’s nothing we can do about until the haters have to kiss our rings.

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What is worth getting riled up over is the other kind of slander Zeke’s faced this summer – that of his play on the football field. The most egregious culprit is Next Gen Stats, which is owned by washing r-word fan Jeff Bezos. They had a competition to come up with a new stat, and they awarded it some fucking nerds in Austria who have never watched a down of football in their lives. Their new stat, ‘expected rushing yards’, doesn’t even rank Zeke in the top 10. Dumb fucking nerds.

Ahead of Zeke in their rankings is Carlos Hyde, Mark Ingram, Leonard Fournette, and Chris Carson. Utterly ridiculous. Clearly analytics has a long ass way to go to be as meaningful in football as it is in other sports, and until then we should let these euro nerds stick to soccer. I’m with Zeke’s mom on this one…

Zeke’s Been Feeding Himself Kills in Some Badass Warzone Wins

Tis the Season for Luka Magic and the Mavs

There’s been a lot of magic at Disney World over the years, but nothing like the Luka Magic we’re all about to witness. I was confident pre-covid and I’m even more so now – the only team that can keep us out of the finals is the Clippers. Here’s all the reasons why:

Luka – anyone who’s seen Luka play so far knows he’s the goat-in-training. LeBron may be the perfect genetic masterpiece for basketball, but Luka is pretty close himself and he’s been groomed in an academy all his life to have the perfect basketball brain.

He’s also a gamer that will assuredly step it up a level in the playoffs just like he already has for every nationally televised game he’s played. We all know that Dak’s clutch gene was developed in playing huge ass SEC games as an 18yo starter. Well Luka started dominating huge ass Euro basketball championship games as an even younger teenager. He’s made for these moments and it’s obvious.

One worry I did have on Luka pre-covid is just how beaten up he was getting. He loves going hard to the rim and the refs were giving him the Cam Newton treatment every time. On top of that was tons of extracurricular treatment. There was the Draymond Green game as well as a bunch of bullshit like this on a regular basis.

He was noticeably breaking down from transcendent to just plain superstar level, which at the time was fine for me because he just turned 21. Now he’s fresh and the rest of the league (except maybe the Clippers) are fucked.

KP – Knicks fans will fight you on this til the day they die but they’re idiots. KP is awesome. He’s one of the best rim protectors in the game and that’s something we’ve never been competent at without Tyson Chandler. He was looking fully healthy right before covid stoppage, averaging a cool 22-10 and 2 blocks a game over the last two months.

He racked up all these points without utilizing the post game, which was his bread and butter in New York. Post play wasn’t in our offense in the regular season because it’s inefficient and more taxing on a players knees. The playoffs are a different game though, and I think we’ll see that activated more.

KP was able to spend his lockdown in Latvia, which was a sane country compared to the US so he had full access to facilities for basketball workouts (same with Luka). He came back ripped, rested, and fully healthy. The Unicorn may end up being the best Robin in NBA history.

Seth – Steph Curry is a better player than his brother I’ll admit, but Seth is low key the better three point shooter. He’s second all time at 44.3%. In the last two months of play, he was shooting 57.9% from the field and the same average from three. With Luka dishing him so many wide open looks, he is insanely deadly.

Depth – Tim Hardaway, Maxi Kleber, Delon Wright, Dorian Finney-Smith, JJ Barea, and shit maybe even Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Not stars by any means, but a ton of role players capable of getting hot. We’re a deep team.

Coaching – Carlisle is the best coach in the league.

Road Record – the Mavs were 21-12 on the road pre-covid, significantly better than they were at home. In a tournament where every single game is a road game for both teams, that’s advantage Mavs for sure. Also, because half our team is international players, they’re used to playing in tournament environments like this. If any team has a ‘home court advantage’ this year, it’s definitely us.

Celibacy – as noted previously, the unique conditions of bubble isolation is a clear advantage for the Mavs.

Chemistry – in a tournament where many veterans will be looking forward to getting the fuck back home, the Mavs are having a blast as a team. They are fresh, hungry, and set up better than anyone to thrive in these unique conditions. The cultural foundation that Dirk built is still alive and well.

One of those teams that doesn’t want to be there is definitely houston, and that’s why I’m laying max bet on Mavs tonight.

I’ll end this with the #1 quote from the bubble so far, said by JJ Barea. “I’m not a gamer, I only really play video games with my son. However, I do play video games with Luka when he asks me, because he is my other son.” JJ Barea has made babies with two Miss Universes. Here’s a collage of them:

What a leader

Tis the Season for Luka Magic and the Mavs

The Pelicans Are Back to Benching Zion and It’s Stupid

The Pelicans training staff has really emphasized the anal in their analytics all year, but last night has put me at the breaking point. Zion Williamson had 13 points in his first 15 minutes, and then he never scored again because he wasn’t allowed to play anymore.

It’s truly baffling how much the Pels are babying him at this point. They don’t care at all about making the playoffs it seems, and that is dumb. Getting that first playoff experience is crucial for building contenders. Your approach going into the season and your understanding of what it takes to reach the next level completely changes after playing on that stage. Why are the Pels so content to wait on that?

Their training staff is supposed to be one of the best in the league. David Griffin poached them from Phoenix last year, and everyone lauded it as a great move and an example of the superior network Griffin had to make him a desirable team president in the first place. They probably know more than us, but they also didn’t come from a winning organization themselves. Maybe their voice is a bit too powerful in the organization.

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Zion was ramped up to full minutes months ago. He looked fine, but the playoff opportunity had already appeared squandered. Pels got a reprieve when the league set up the 9 seed play-in series for the bubble, but we decide to go right back to square one in the first game.

In such a close and important game, what could’ve been the harm of putting him in for the last five minutes? What could possibly go wrong in 20 minutes that wouldn’t have gone wrong in 15? Were they scared of going to overtime and having the optics of benching him then? I still would’ve taken that over what happened last night.

Maybe part of the handshake deal that got Gayle the Zion pick for AD also included a top lottery pick this year? That would be cool. Otherwise, Pels are fucking blowing it.

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While that game was important, Clippers-Lakers was absolutely meaningless. Didn’t watch a minute. Most of these games will be meaningless actually, except for the Mavs trying to jump up a seed to avoid Clippers first round and the fight for the final spot in the West.

I really hope it’s anyone but Memphis. Blazers could beat LA pretty easily so I guess I will start cheering for them. Maybe Memphis could fall apart Lester City style and we could have a Pels-Blazers play-in series. If the Pelicans won that, they’d be facing AD having just accomplished everything AD accomplished in his entire tenure in NOLA. That would be cool too.

The Pelicans Are Back to Benching Zion and It’s Stupid

Is Joey Gallo God?

If Joey Gallo isn’t god himself, he certainly has a close connection to the man upstairs as this moonshot was headed straight his way

It was the first home run in Globe Life Field, known locally and here forevermore as ‘The Gilf’. It was also one of the only times our offense ever scored in the first weekend of The Gilf. The homer counted for one of just five total runs in the first series.

In the opener against the Arizona D-Bags on Tuesday, we were no hit through 6 innings and scored only once. That means six total runs over four games. Just god awful.

The season was on the brink Wednesday afternoon, and our god Joey Gallo stepped up to be our savior

Kicked off the most soothing five run 8th inning I’ll ever experience in the month of July. Fucking finally.  Series split, 2-3 record overall, and a trip to the trash ass Giants up next. We are right back in the thick of things.

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The key lesson from this homestand is that The Gilf is definitely a pitchers park. Our offense was not ready, being used to the old ballpark that had short fences, hot humid air, and a jet stream out to center. They’re not gonna hit homers here the way they could back there. Most players in the league won’t be able to hit much homers here, except for Joey Gallo that is.

If the rest of our lineup adjusts, we could have a difference maker with God Gallo being a power threat no other team can match. Pitchers parks are also awesome for winning playoff games. The lottery ticket of the century is still alive.

Is Joey Gallo God?

Life as a Marlins Fan Gets off to a Rocky Start

My first weekend of baseball as a Marlins fan was the best of times and the worst of times.

We took two out of three at philly and Alcantara is a bonafide ace. That was the best of times. Immediately following Sunday’s 10-6 thrashing of those scumbag phillies, the worst of times began as my fish started dominating headlines in a manner I wasn’t expecting for years.

Now the doomers are out in full force on the internet thinking that baseball will be canceled over the Marlins. Are you kidding me? I’ve been a lifelong Marlins fan for a few months now. I love the team. But even I know that baseball would never shut down over the MARLINS.

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However, some of the league might be shut down for a week, and the complicity for this falls squarely on the Marlins. They knew of a potential outbreak before Sunday’s game, and had a casual group text decision to play through it anyway. This put the phillies and their opponents at risk and exponentially exacerbated the scheduling chaos. It’s shocking that this was allowed to happen.

You can’t blame the Marlins players for this irresponsible decision – they are young and playing for their jobs. The failure lies in league and club leadership that allowed for the decision to be put in players’ hands in the first place. Manfred must address that immediately with updated protocols.

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I also put blame on the doomers who are dominating discourse throughout the sports universe. If the Marlins had taken the responsible and cautious approach, the PR hysteria would’ve been no different on Sunday than it was during the week. In a way, it was worth it for baseball’s image to just push the problem past opening weekend. That’s on society as much as it is on baseball.

If these doomers cared about mental health as much as they normally pretend, then they should know that sports is an essential industry. Recognize that in your attitude and also recognize that, with adequate testing and protocols, it is possible to prevent outbreaks. Sports leagues all over the world have been doing it for months.

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Chances are low that phillies players caught the virus. If that’s the case, this isn’t such a big deal in the grand scheme of things as long as lessons are learned going forward. This was predicted, and it can be overcome. Maybe they should set up a postseason bubble to keep the playoffs smooth though.

Most importantly, this primes our brain for what is about to happen with football, the most essential industry in the world. Get the scaries out of the way with baseball so we can be ready to power through with NFL.

Life as a Marlins Fan Gets off to a Rocky Start

Corey Kluber’s Rangers Tenure Lasts One Inning – Fucking Hell

Horrible opening series for the Rangers. One tense win followed by two bad losses against a bad Rockies team. So far, this team sucks.

Our offense scored five total runs over three games so they might be fucked without the old park. Pitching was tenuously solid enough to keep things close, but our god awful atrocious defense did their best to reverse any run suppression.

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The story of the series is Cory Kluber leaving Sunday’s start with back tightness after only one inning. He’s out for at least four weeks and will go to the bullpen if he does come back. If we don’t pick up his $18M option next season, then that means we just traded for Corey Kluber and paid him $7M per inning. And that is after proration. Just brutal.

We only gave up one prospect for him (Emmanuel Clase), but he was awesome and my favorite ever closer prospect. I would confirm the trade rape already, but he just got busted for an 80 game PED suspension so we’ll see how that goes. Maybe we’ll get to settle on a lose-lose draw.

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On the bright side, if Kluber does actually come back he could transform a bullpen that will desperately need help. That could be sick if we make the playoffs. Or we’ll just continue to suck and the season’s over in two months anyway. I’m fine with whatever.

Corey Kluber’s Rangers Tenure Lasts One Inning – Fucking Hell

How to Have Threesomes Like Lou Williams

An accurate depiction of Lou Williams sitting through a funeral while waiting to get laid at Magic City:

It should come as no surprise that several Clippers left the bubble to get laid last week. A well-earned perk of locking up the 2 seed in advance is the ability to get out and ween your addictions before games start mattering. Good on Lou Williams for taking advantage.

It comes as less of a surprise that Lou Williams is the first player outed for chasing tail. He didn’t start drinking until his rookie season, but proved himself a natural on a chugging bet to win $15k and the eternal respect of Allen Iverson. Nowadays, he doesn’t tell young players where he goes out because he says they’ll be too hungover for games.

Loving alcohol is highly correlated with loving tail, and Lou Williams is no exception. He is a successful polygamist with two girlfriends that are cool with each other and sleep in bed with him at the same time. Basically he is a bro king and I’m all in on the Clippers as the only team that can beat the Mavs.

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The reason I bring this up is to use my platform to provide the greatest life hack I’ll ever be able to offer – how to trick your wife or girlfriend into having a threesome with you. The steps are simple:

  1. Download a Showtime streaming package
  2. Turn on the show Polyamory: Married and Dating in front of her
  3. Accompany her when she inevitably starts binging (it’s reality TV and she’s a woman)
  4. Sit back as the show primes her brain to normalize group sex
  5. Wait for a sorority sister to visit her and then accept their offer for a threesome

It might not work for everyone at a 100% clip, but the odds are better than any other methods I’ve seen out there. I guarantee it.

How to Have Threesomes Like Lou Williams