Month: July 2020

The Pelicans Are Back to Benching Zion and It’s Stupid

Wilbanks,

The Pelicans training staff has really emphasized the anal in their analytics all year, but last night has put me at the breaking point. Zion Williamson had 13 points in his first 15 minutes, and then he never scored again because he wasn’t allowed to play anymore.

It’s truly baffling how much the Pels are babying him at this point. They don’t care at all about making the playoffs it seems, and that is dumb. Getting that first playoff experience is crucial for building contenders. Your approach going into the season and your understanding of what it takes to reach the next level completely changes after playing on that stage. Why are the Pels so content to wait on that?

Their training staff is supposed to be one of the best in the league. David Griffin poached them from Phoenix last year, and everyone lauded it as a great move and an example of the superior network Griffin had to make him a desirable team president in the first place. They probably know more than us, but they also didn’t come from a winning organization themselves. Maybe their voice is a bit too powerful in the organization.

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Zion was ramped up to full minutes months ago. He looked fine, but the playoff opportunity had already appeared squandered. Pels got a reprieve when the league set up the 9 seed play-in series for the bubble, but we decide to go right back to square one in the first game.

In such a close and important game, what could’ve been the harm of putting him in for the last five minutes? What could possibly go wrong in 20 minutes that wouldn’t have gone wrong in 15? Were they scared of going to overtime and having the optics of benching him then? I still would’ve taken that over what happened last night.

Maybe part of the handshake deal that got Gayle the Zion pick for AD also included a top lottery pick this year? That would be cool. Otherwise, Pels are fucking blowing it.

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While that game was important, Clippers-Lakers was absolutely meaningless. Didn’t watch a minute. Most of these games will be meaningless actually, except for the Mavs trying to jump up a seed to avoid Clippers first round and the fight for the final spot in the West.

I really hope it’s anyone but Memphis. Blazers could beat LA pretty easily so I guess I will start cheering for them. Maybe Memphis could fall apart Lester City style and we could have a Pels-Blazers play-in series. If the Pelicans won that, they’d be facing AD having just accomplished everything AD accomplished in his entire tenure in NOLA. That would be cool too.

The Pelicans Are Back to Benching Zion and It’s Stupid

Is Joey Gallo God?

Wilbanks, 1 Comment

If Joey Gallo isn’t god himself, he certainly has a close connection to the man upstairs as this moonshot was headed straight his way

It was the first home run in Globe Life Field, known locally and here forevermore as ‘The Gilf’. It was also one of the only times our offense ever scored in the first weekend of The Gilf. The homer counted for one of just five total runs in the first series.

In the opener against the Arizona D-Bags on Tuesday, we were no hit through 6 innings and scored only once. That means six total runs over four games. Just god awful.

The season was on the brink Wednesday afternoon, and our god Joey Gallo stepped up to be our savior

Kicked off the most soothing five run 8th inning I’ll ever experience in the month of July. Fucking finally.  Series split, 2-3 record overall, and a trip to the trash ass Giants up next. We are right back in the thick of things.

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The key lesson from this homestand is that The Gilf is definitely a pitchers park. Our offense was not ready, being used to the old ballpark that had short fences, hot humid air, and a jet stream out to center. They’re not gonna hit homers here the way they could back there. Most players in the league won’t be able to hit much homers here, except for Joey Gallo that is.

If the rest of our lineup adjusts, we could have a difference maker with God Gallo being a power threat no other team can match. Pitchers parks are also awesome for winning playoff games. The lottery ticket of the century is still alive.

Is Joey Gallo God?

Life as a Marlins Fan Gets off to a Rocky Start

Wilbanks

My first weekend of baseball as a Marlins fan was the best of times and the worst of times.

We took two out of three at philly and Alcantara is a bonafide ace. That was the best of times. Immediately following Sunday’s 10-6 thrashing of those scumbag phillies, the worst of times began as my fish started dominating headlines in a manner I wasn’t expecting for years.

Now the doomers are out in full force on the internet thinking that baseball will be canceled over the Marlins. Are you kidding me? I’ve been a lifelong Marlins fan for a few months now. I love the team. But even I know that baseball would never shut down over the MARLINS.

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However, some of the league might be shut down for a week, and the complicity for this falls squarely on the Marlins. They knew of a potential outbreak before Sunday’s game, and had a casual group text decision to play through it anyway. This put the phillies and their opponents at risk and exponentially exacerbated the scheduling chaos. It’s shocking that this was allowed to happen.

You can’t blame the Marlins players for this irresponsible decision – they are young and playing for their jobs. The failure lies in league and club leadership that allowed for the decision to be put in players’ hands in the first place. Manfred must address that immediately with updated protocols.

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I also put blame on the doomers who are dominating discourse throughout the sports universe. If the Marlins had taken the responsible and cautious approach, the PR hysteria would’ve been no different on Sunday than it was during the week. In a way, it was worth it for baseball’s image to just push the problem past opening weekend. That’s on society as much as it is on baseball.

If these doomers cared about mental health as much as they normally pretend, then they should know that sports is an essential industry. Recognize that in your attitude and also recognize that, with adequate testing and protocols, it is possible to prevent outbreaks. Sports leagues all over the world have been doing it for months.

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Chances are low that phillies players caught the virus. If that’s the case, this isn’t such a big deal in the grand scheme of things as long as lessons are learned going forward. This was predicted, and it can be overcome. Maybe they should set up a postseason bubble to keep the playoffs smooth though.

Most importantly, this primes our brain for what is about to happen with football, the most essential industry in the world. Get the scaries out of the way with baseball so we can be ready to power through with NFL.

Life as a Marlins Fan Gets off to a Rocky Start

Corey Kluber’s Rangers Tenure Lasts One Inning – Fucking Hell

Wilbanks,

Horrible opening series for the Rangers. One tense win followed by two bad losses against a bad Rockies team. So far, this team sucks.

Our offense scored five total runs over three games so they might be fucked without the old park. Pitching was tenuously solid enough to keep things close, but our god awful atrocious defense did their best to reverse any run suppression.

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The story of the series is Cory Kluber leaving Sunday’s start with back tightness after only one inning. He’s out for at least four weeks and will go to the bullpen if he does come back. If we don’t pick up his $18M option next season, then that means we just traded for Corey Kluber and paid him $7M per inning. And that is after proration. Just brutal.

We only gave up one prospect for him (Emmanuel Clase), but he was awesome and my favorite ever closer prospect. I would confirm the trade rape already, but he just got busted for an 80 game PED suspension so we’ll see how that goes. Maybe we’ll get to settle on a lose-lose draw.

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On the bright side, if Kluber does actually come back he could transform a bullpen that will desperately need help. That could be sick if we make the playoffs. Or we’ll just continue to suck and the season’s over in two months anyway. I’m fine with whatever.

Corey Kluber’s Rangers Tenure Lasts One Inning – Fucking Hell

How to Have Threesomes Like Lou Williams

Wilbanks,

An accurate depiction of Lou Williams sitting through a funeral while waiting to get laid at Magic City:

It should come as no surprise that several Clippers left the bubble to get laid last week. A well-earned perk of locking up the 2 seed in advance is the ability to get out and ween your addictions before games start mattering. Good on Lou Williams for taking advantage.

It comes as less of a surprise that Lou Williams is the first player outed for chasing tail. He didn’t start drinking until his rookie season, but proved himself a natural on a chugging bet to win $15k and the eternal respect of Allen Iverson. Nowadays, he doesn’t tell young players where he goes out because he says they’ll be too hungover for games.

Loving alcohol is highly correlated with loving tail, and Lou Williams is no exception. He is a successful polygamist with two girlfriends that are cool with each other and sleep in bed with him at the same time. Basically he is a bro king and I’m all in on the Clippers as the only team that can beat the Mavs.

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The reason I bring this up is to use my platform to provide the greatest life hack I’ll ever be able to offer – how to trick your wife or girlfriend into having a threesome with you. The steps are simple:

  1. Download a Showtime streaming package
  2. Turn on the show Polyamory: Married and Dating in front of her
  3. Accompany her when she inevitably starts binging (it’s reality TV and she’s a woman)
  4. Sit back as the show primes her brain to normalize group sex
  5. Wait for a sorority sister to visit her and then accept their offer for a threesome

It might not work for everyone at a 100% clip, but the odds are better than any other methods I’ve seen out there. I guarantee it.

How to Have Threesomes Like Lou Williams

Jamal Adams Does Not Get His Wish to Play for America’s Team

Wilbanks

When the Jets turned down our offer of one first round pick for Jamal Adams last fall, our consolation prize was the future greatest WR trio in NFL history. Not only could they have had CeeDee Lamb, literally one of the greatest receivers in college history and by far the best receiver to fall that far since Randy Moss, but they also could’ve helped Garrett save his job. Thank god things worked out the way they did.

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That doesn’t mean the Jets did a bad job in this trade. They played the Niners and Seahawks against each other and found a way to up the bid to two 1st rd picks, a 3rd rd pick, and an average starting safety veteran. That is way more than anyone expected, so honestly good for them on getting such a headache out the door with so much in return. Still, that package doesn’t hold a candle to the value of CeeDee Lamb so we can’t congratulate them too much.

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Even at the high cost, I like this move for the Seahawks too. They suck at drafting early rounds, but do enough other things well to make the playoffs nearly every year. After falling an inch short of winning the division last year, they now match up way better against San Francisco. Don’t sleep on them.

Interesting tidbit on Seattle last year – they were the fourth team ever to finish 11-5 or better while allowing at least 24.5 PPG. The other three were 2013 Broncos, 2016 Falcons, and 2018 Chiefs.

Their defense was low key terrible last year, especially on the road. They’ve relied on good safety play for the entire Carroll era and now they have it again. Jamal Adams is a difference maker any alignment they need from him. He and Bobby Wagner are enough to anchor an above average defense on their own. I expect the Seahawks to be closer to the aftermaths of those Broncos and Chiefs teams and not the Falcons.

Jamal Adams Does Not Get His Wish to Play for America’s Team

Cancel the WNBA

Wilbanks

Earlier this month, WNBA owner Kelly Loeffler hopped on the show of her fellow mannish-looking blonde to rail against the Black Lives Matter movement.

She later doubled down by saying BLM support could make some fans ‘feel excluded’. So that means conservative WNBA fans exist? Bah hahahah what a joke!

Say what you want about the validity or lack thereof those statements, but one unequivocal fact is that an NBA owner would NEVER get away with this. Any other major sports league owner for that matter would be Sterling’d into oblivion for going anti-BLM right now. Why is the WNBA an exception?

According to Adam Silver, the NBA loses over $10M per year in subsidies to keep the WNBA afloat, and those costs will only rise now that league is doubling salaries and paying their pregnant players for the first time ever. The league is basically a non-profit social justice experiment, yet it has the most public anti-social justice owner in sports. It’s time to cancel the WNBA for good.

This doesn’t mean I don’t care about women athletes. On the contrary, I want to see them succeed and that is why I propose an alternative – Euro leagues. The best women are already playing over there for millions. The fact that they feel the need to come back every year and play an additional season for a fraction of their worth seems like a classic example of the toxic American exceptionalism libs keep warning us about.

Much like we here in the US pretend to care about women’s soccer because our men’s team will never win a World Cup, Europeans have a greater interest in women’s basketball because their men’s leagues will never hold a candle to the NBA. America can lead the way for women’s soccer while Europe leads the way for women’s basketball. Women all around the world can finally be enriched and appreciated appropriately for their skills. Everyone wins.

Cancel the WNBA.

Cancel the WNBA

Rangers 90:1 Is the Lottery Ticket of the Century

Wilbanks

This opening day is as good a time as any to remember that pre-trash can era, the Rangers dominated the American League. Not only did we make a mockery of the disastros in head to heads, but we cranked out division titles year after year as well as a bunch of 1 seeds and a couple pennants.

One strike away from a dynasty, twice, and then things fell apart over the course of seven whole years. Dynasty watch is always on the horizon in Texas though because Jon Daniels is still manning the helm. He was smart enough to rebuild the team while the competition was cheating, and now we come out the other side on a level playing field with a chance to make some serious noise this season.

If it isn’t clear enough by now – Rangers +9000 is the lottery ticket of the century. Keep in mind that through 60 games last year, we had a 32-28 record, good enough for second behind only the cheating disastros in the division and in the final wild card spot. That was without the expanded playoffs. Bet on the Rangers.

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The most exciting prospect of the new look Rangers is our 2nd year manager. Jon Daniels has an interesting yet very successful history of hiring managers… Ron Washington was the coolest cokehead ever, but ended up banging a Japanese reporter and had to resign. Banny Rooster led some heroic runs for us, but his offense analytics and John Wayne attitude quickly grew stale.

Currently with Chris Woodward, it seems we’ve found the sweet spot. He’s (almost) as charismatic as Washington, and his analytical background from the Dodgers is much smarter than anything Banny brought to us. It became clear last year that our rebuild would be accelerated under him, and our roster has only gotten better.

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Our rotation is no joke the greatest in Rangers history. Granted, that bar is very low. One single ace has made an above average Rangers rotation and that includes playoff years. This year, we have three in Kluber, Minor, and Lynn. THREE whole aces!

Our offense is always good and I have no doubt that will continue this season. Gallo was an MVP candidate before getting hurt midseason, and we have a rookie in Nick Solak who hit .293 in two months last year. He’s nasty and so is our offense with these two anchors.

The biggest question mark is the bullpen. It’s not very deep and we’re relying heavily on Jose Leclerc to give us something as closer. He’s got wicked stuff and was awesome in his first few seasons, but he was shaky last year after getting a big contract and a closer title. Hopefully he figures it out.

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Here’s a total list of my preseason futures bets:

  • Rangers World Series +9000
  • Rangers AL pennant +3300
  • Gallo AL MVP +5500
  • Gallo Most HRs +1500
  • Kluber AL Cy Young +1250
  • Darvish NL Cy Young +2500

Looking forward to not having to work next year

Rangers 90:1 Is the Lottery Ticket of the Century

Arch Manning and Lane Kiffin Will Save the State of Mississippi

Wilbanks, ,

For those of you that think Trevor Lawrence is the future of the NFL, I present to you the freshman season highlights of Arch Manning (son of Cooper).

He’s draft eligible in six years, which means the 2025 NFL season will be the most important tankathon in sports history. Owners need to take note and have their GMs manage rosters accordingly.

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In the meantime, we can start thinking about Ole Miss because he’s basically a lock to go there. Lane Kiffin has three years to recruit and develop a supporting cast worthy of riding Arch’s back. I think he’ll get the job done.

People like to rag on Lane, but he has the longest resume of any 45 year old coach ever and it’s not that bad of one. He always tried to bite off more than he could chew, eventually admitting himself into Saban rehab. It seems he emerged as a better and humble man because he did some pretty cool shit at FAU. He’s a proven genius on the offensive side, and he surely knows some defense too given that his father revolutionized the game.

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It’s safe to say Mississippians are staring down some glory years, and good for them honestly. Mississippi is the forgotten Deep South state in college football. They’ve flashed with the occasional Bama upset and the Dak years, but they’ve never had legit prestige. That’s all about to change in the 2020s.

It’s also good for Mississippi because they’re very poor and need money. You can look at the Crimson Tide as a case study for a college powerhouse transforming a state. Kids of the coastal elite who want to experience the south use football as a barometer for their college decisions, and that brings out-of-state tuition and commerce into the region.

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The Mannings have done so much to change football already, and their greatest legend might be just getting started. They are America’s new royal family much like the Kennedys used to be. Fortunately, we’ve progressed to a time where the Mannings won’t have to fear for their lives at Cowboys road games.

Arch Manning and Lane Kiffin Will Save the State of Mississippi

New Baseball Tradition Proposal – Disastros Day

Wilbanks,

The single worst consequence of Covid-season is the reprieve that the lying, cheating disastros get for their shame tour. Back in March, we were all hyped up to follow these scumbags across the country and boo their existence in every single road game. In this new reality, the best we can do is yell into an app that’s piped into the stadium speaker. It’s kind of funny and I’m definitely participating, but it’s not a close replacement at all.

It seems unfair that the perpetrators of the worst cheating scandal in sports history would luck out of their shame tour, but we as fans can still change that. This is why I propose a new baseball tradition across the country – Disastros Day.

Each team that hosts houston in a given season will have their own special Disastros Day celebration. In their first game of hosting that scumbag franchise, fans will sell out the stadium and boo the ever-loving shit out of them. The tradition will continue in perpetuity or until the astros win their first clean World Series, whichever comes first.

I see no reason why the MLB front office shouldn’t take it upon themselves to sanction and promote these events. They can think of all the money they’ll make and the deliberation ends right there. Back in spring training, the league was staring down a historic windfall from astros hate. By sanctioning the annual Disastros Days, they can make that money faucet pour forever (or until houston wins a clean World Series, whichever comes first).

While there will be many Disastros Day celebrations per year, there has to be one ‘official’ date for a nationally televised special. I’m okay with this being the first date the Dodgers host houston if the interleague schedule lines up that way. Otherwise, it should be the first date houston travels to (real) Texas. Sorry Yankees, y’all were gonna lose to LA anyways. Leave the honors to the original haters – the arch-rivals that drove houston to cheat in the first place.

Jesus fucking christ we were so good against these losers before they started cheating

New Baseball Tradition Proposal – Disastros Day