The Disastros Dynasty Is Canceled

Texas Rangers v Houston Astros

First off on behalf of the baseball universe to philly’s own Bryce harper – here is a nice big fuck you and suck my dick*.  The Nats finally became cool to cheer for this year much like the Caps during the Ovi run.  Props to DC on winning a title for the ages.

I have attended 17 MLB stadiums (nbd) and the Nats are ranked #1 in doing things the right way.  The stadium is downtown, climate is good, fans are engaged, and there are chill bars all around the neighborhood.  Not a shitty strip like Wrigleyville but an actual neighborhood for people to disburse around and drink.  Most importantly – breweries.  Crowd control is on point for summer baseball/drinking.

On the flip side we have houston fans who were no joke trying to give away game 7 tickets today are you kidding me??  $337 to get in to a GAME 7 holy shit.  Just when I thought things couldn’t be more embarrassing.

In their defense it must’ve sucked hard for anyone there in person to witness their beloved disastros choke away a dynasty like that.  I’m sure it was very emotional for each of those literally 0.00 total fans going back to 2013.  All of that excessive tanking, cyber theft, sign stealing, and general corrosion to the integrity of the game for what?  Getting one strike further than the Rangers got and then being immortalized in one of the most embarrassing upsets in baseball history.

Thank god they got Osuna.  Thank fucking god those houston take it up the astros got Osuna.

Life is good Rangers fans!  It truly is the best.


*Robinson Chirinos too. Way to still suck you loser 😂

The Disastros Dynasty Is Canceled

Cowboys Rebound on Primetime and Clinch Division by Halloween

Maher and Dak

America’s Team was facing a season on the brink until the clock struck primetime and we blessed the nation with a complete and thorough ass kicking to lock up the NFC East by halftime.  That was so easy!  Who would’ve thought at this time two years ago that Dak would be the perennial MVP candidate and Wentz would be the one year wonder?  For some reason a lot of people thought the opposite at first, but Sunday night showed the stark difference between having a god at quarterback vs having a quarterback that worships god.

Everything about this performance in every aspect of the game was perfect.  It was clear that we were hiding packages last week, but Kellen and Kris got free rein for this matchup and are back to being our new Payton/Zimmer duo.  The players themselves were also perfect, but the single greatest moment was our future Hall of Fame kicker making history:

That’s a 73mph cannon shot dead center through the uprights with room to spare, just like his 60 yarders were the past two weeks.  He is now the greatest of all time at kicking from 60+.  Maher was our biggest liability coming out of camp and he’s had some bad misses on short attempts this year, but this has to be the type of history making confidence boost that propels him to true stardom.  If we had brought him out for the last play at the dome (68 yards), we would’ve beaten the Saints 13-12 and would pretty much have a bye locked up by now.  Unfortunately we didn’t, but we’ll make up for it in the playoffs by going back there to be the team that ends Drew Brees’s career.

On the flip side, Philly is in an absolute tailspin with a broken quarterback that everyone hates, and their Super Bowl is looking more and more like a forgettable fluke with each passing week.  In fact, before long the haters will be roping this win into the same group as those ‘empty wins’ from our first three weeks.  That’s okay.  We have a bye week and then the Giants (primetime MNF) to give us a rest over the next couple of weeks, and then a string of six straight games against winning teams to get some strong game reps and build up for the playoffs while not having to worry about any teams behind us in the division.

Cowboys Rebound on Primetime and Clinch Division by Halloween

The Crybaby Disastros Are Embarrassing Themselves

astros fan

Congratulations to the crybaby disastros for shitting the bed both on and off the diamond so far.  Their assistant gm started things off by shaking the woke hive with his Osuna comments.  Look at this fucken weirdo:

He looks like he fits right in with those supposed rocket scientist execs that are so ‘analytically adept’ at stealing signs, stealing proprietary data, tanking, and probably juicing too.  It’s crazy that someone from such a smart organization could make himself look so incredibly unintelligent by trolling a DV activist right after Osuna blew a save and almost the whole season with it.  It’s also crazy that they thought the rest of Americans believe in ‘fake news’ just like people from houston do.  Unbelievable!

Not me.

I’m not gonna lie – I actually do want to stick up for houston in this case.  The reporter he was trolling tweets out a DV hotline number every time Osuna takes the mound, which is just excessive virtue signaling at this point.  I normally wouldn’t mind leaving this be and focusing on the multitude of other reasons to hate this franchise, but they’ve lost that privilege with me and any self-respecting Rangers fan because of their ethics in the past.

Remember in 2017 when a city full of climate denying oil servants fell victim to a hurricane?  They tried to extort us into swapping home series which would have ruined any chance we had of making the playoffs.  I wrote back then about how it was complete bullshit and a stupid reason to lose the 1 seed.  They called us unethical for not forfeiting our season in the name of compassion, when really they were just exploiting a hurricane to try and keep us out of the playoffs.  After all, we were 28-10 against them the prior two years and posed the best threat to their tanking endgame because we so thoroughly dominated them at the time.

Well now things are different and we’re in a rebuild while they’re fielding the best baseball roster ever assembled in another World Series.  It’s too bad Cole and Verlander reverted back to their Pirates and Tigers form (drug tests?).  It would be a real shame if the legacy of all that extreme tanking turns out to be one memorable World Series where the whole country laughed at the take it up the astros for getting their shit wrecked by a +200 underdog.  That would be a real shame for sure.

The Crybaby Disastros Are Embarrassing Themselves

Lowly Lions Lose Late Last Night

Lions Flowers

When Detroit plays on primetime you know they’re either gonna lose embarrassingly like the jets opener last year or depressingly like the Seattle batted ball game and the packers Hail Mary.

Megatron gif

Monday night fell into the latter category because of those two absolute horse shit hands to the face penalties.  Honestly the last time I can remember a season where people weren’t freaking out over refs had to have been as far back as when Barry still loved football.  Usually it’s just outrage culture bullshit, but this year there’s merit because these of these fake replay reforms.  I hope the NFL isn’t becoming the new NBA, but Occam’s razor is starting to give me doubts.

Unfortunately this game was also a bad look for Frat Stafford as he once again showed America that he’s as bad at sealing 4th quarters as Kershaw is at pitching playoffs.  It’s hard to feel sorry for a veteran NFL quarterback from Highland Park but I’m almost starting to with Stafford.  Wild to think that a #1 pick could have such a long career with Megatron and wind up with such an empty legacy, but here we are.  It just goes to show you that passing stats are like bikinis – they look sexy but they don’t show you the real thing.

Of course it also doesn’t help that his offensive coordinator is notorious choker Darrell Bevell.  I really find it odd that he and Patricia are working together.  I mean on that Super Bowl goal line stand Patricia raped Bevell harder than he raped that one girl on spring break 1996.  It’s just an odd replacement for Jim Bob Cooter and an odd dynamic all around.

Lowly Lions Lose Late Last Night

Robert Kraft Fell in Love with Two Hookers and It Was Probably Magical

Kraft Girlfriend

There was a big expose this week on the Robert Kraft/Asian hooker ring bust and one particular passage has been making some rounds:

Kraft Hookers

No fucken way man.  Everyone said it made no sense that a billionaire would need a rub and tug spa and everyone was right.  He was in love with the hookers.  What a life!

I honestly feel bad for mr kraft here.  It must be really true that he loved his wife that much even with all those nookie girls immediately taking her place in the suite.  He’s just a man that loves to fall in love.  If the police had any decency, they could’ve at least delayed the sting until after Kraft had a chance to save those hookers lives and fulfill all their hopes and dreams.

Robert Kraft Fell in Love with Two Hookers and It Was Probably Magical

Are the Stars Gonna Suck or Will They Skate the Cup?

seguin stretch

It looked like the Stars were going to suck this year starting 0-3 and one of our players almost died*.  We were down for most of tonight and the season was on the line apparently so I had to tune in for my first ten minutes of NHL hockey this season.  I saw enough to say that we most definitely do not suck and will in fact skate the Cup.

Our go-ahead goal in the third period was off an especially lazy turnover by Washington.  It was the type of play you’d almost never see in the playoffs but it’s October and you can only expect players to have so much focus this far away from the real games.

Which brings me to my main point – what is hockey doing starting so damn early in the fall?  I love hockey to death but no thank you to getting up for any of this when we’re only a couple weeks removed from the summer!  I’ll probably tune in to close third period games until our record comes back to normal and then tune out for the next couple of months.


Are the Stars Gonna Suck or Will They Skate the Cup?

Cowboys Get off to a Disappointing 4-2 Start

favre head hit

The fact of the matter is Aaron Rodgers has owned us his entire career and I’m at peace with it.  Despite all of Brett Favre’s accolades and all of those John madden live action dick sucking sessions that America had to endure for so many Monday nights, there is one thing Favre could never do and that is win a game at Texas Stadium.  Rodgers came onto the scene in that OG Thursday night football game in 2007 to replace a broken Brett Favre and hasn’t looked back since.  His lone super bowl was in our stadium and he’s taken a seemingly spiritualistic pleasure in sticking it to Dallas his entire career.  And I’m cool with it.  Give me that in return for dominating Favre’s ass for 15 years any day.  Besides, what does wisconsin have to show for it, a whopping one super bowl each for both of those legendary quarterbacks.  ‘Whoop dee doo,’ says Troy from the booth.

We have the Jets next week so we’re still good for a nice 4-2 start to kick off the season.  The big test is the after that on SNF vs the Eagles where Dak’s gotta do what he’s done his whole career (outside the Zeke suspension year) and OWN that team.  Also their secondary is absolute trash so we’re in good position to be 5-2 with a playoff spot locked up and a couple months to try out new kickers and sort out any other issues with the team before playoffs.

Stay strong Dallas fans.  Part of being royalty means taking everyone’s best punch and we just took a couple good ones both at the dome and against one of the goats.  For what it’s worth, I have never and I mean never seen New Orleans as shook to its core as this and there is no reason for the spirit to die down at 4-2

PS Favre and Rodgers are boys now which is hilarious.  Imagine being one of those dudes and having to waste all of your god given talents in wisconsin – yikes

Cowboys Get off to a Disappointing 4-2 Start