It’s well documented that I am not the biggest fan of women’s soccer.  However, I’m still getting pretty stoked for USA-Germany tonight.  Earlier this week, I was talking to a buddy from Germany who told me I should actually start getting more interested in this tournament…

Some may ask why I’d be friends with anybody who could make such misogynistic jokes, but they need to remember that we are proponents of cultural tolerance on this site.  Germans have a different way of humor, but they are still happy, they tend to be pretty chill people overall, and they are responsible for giving us Dirk and Jürgen Klinsmann.  So let’s just laugh and let live…

Another reason I’m getting pumped for this match is some of the analysis I’ve seen in the media lately.  Check out Julie Foudy on ESPN FC Sunday night…

Oh my god could you believe that smiley face?  That was just absolutely the most adorable thing I have ever seen in sports!**

Just. So. Cute!!  And how about Dan Thomas spitting that fire game?  Nice work bro.

In all seriousness though, there are legitimate reasons that this game might, maybe be cool.  Possibly…  In the women’s game, you tend to see the players having a lot more space to work with and the possession is much more clearly defined and controlled (similar to Olympic hockey).  It can be a nice change of pace from a men’s game where the players can seem rushed too often.  Is this unique style worth getting geeked up to watch a plethora of group games?  Fuck no.  Is it worth watching a few big games once every four years.  Sure!

There is also a lot of American pride at stake, and that’s legit.  It really is fun and uplifting for your country to win this tournament.  Japan’s 2011 victory meant a lot to their country as they were still coping from a horrific tsunami.  I know the Germans take a lot of pride in the two straight titles they won in the early 2000s.

Our own title in 1999 was awesome.  It cannot be understated how important that win was in helping bust through all of the inertia impeding the growth of US soccer culture as a whole for so many decades.  Hosting the 94 Men’s tournament was a huge catalyst in legitimizing this sport, but it was just as important to see a group of our own people beat the rest of the world to realize the sport of soccer was the truth.  As frustrating as it can be to watch our men’s team battle through the long, arduous path it takes to rise from irrelevance to being a true world force, it always helps to see our women kick ass to know that maybe our boys could pull it off one day as well.

The title game itself was a great sports moment as well.  Super intense throughout the entire overtime.  Brianna Scurry game up big for us in goal.  Kristine Lilly had a monster play for us in overtime to header out a ball on the goal line (can’t find a video but you’ll see it on TV soon if we win tonight).  And then PKs where our women were clutch city.  Also, the ten year old boys like me who were growing up in an era of pre-internet porn will never forget the treasure that Brandi Chastain gave us…

To wrap, can we all agree that this might be the greatest Nike commercial ever?  (Warning: not suitable for the 2015 PC police, but if you made it this far you’re probably down to laugh and let live)

Oh yeah and take us with the spread on a pick em line at +104.  Don’t fuck with the three way line.

**Danica Patrick’s foot stomp in 2006 goes to #2

Yesterday, I was reading a Deadspin article about airplane etiquette (I fucking love to fly) and stumbled upon a comment from an insufferable Internet troll that immediately put me into hate reading mode.

So Chris Kluwe flies Spirit Airlines?  Grosss.  Even in college when I had no income, I would’ve never, ever subjected myself to flying such a shitty airline.  Why on earth is Chris Kluwe doing it?  He made over $7.5M in the NFL, so he either squandered an obscene amount of money to become broke, or he is one of those annoying cheap assholes that cannot tell the obvious differences between sensible frugality and miserly behavior.  It reminds of this one time I had a roommate (with a six figure salary) who Venmo charged everyone in the apartment 32 cents to pay for a random PPV movie on the cable bill.  She was hot though, so we still loved living with her (when she was single).

Some people really enjoy Chris Kluwe’s takes and hope he becomes an established writer somewhere on the Internet; none of those people are humans that I would enjoy hanging out with.  Chris Kluwe is an insufferable troll and I hope that one day he just leaves the Internet forever.

Let’s do a quick recap of who Chris Kluwe is for those who may not know of him…  Basically, he punted for the Vikings for eight years, and when he eventually got cut for a younger alternative, he ratted out his former coaches with 4,000 words of butthurt drivel on Deadspin.

He said he was cut because of his controversial off the field comments, but any football fan with a brain knows that he was cut because he was old, injured, and did not warrant a $1.4M salary.  But besides that, yeah all the off field shenanigans were probably really annoying for the rest of the Vikings.  You can say ‘distractions’ are overrated, but there is no way all of his teammates weren’t annoyed by having to answer questions about a fucking punter all the time.

No Chris Kluwe – it’s not what was being said, it’s who was saying it.  Take this famous Peyton Manning rant and multiply it by 100, because punters are infinitesimally less important than kickers or any other position in football.  (true story – I’m a diehard Cowboys fan with season tickets, and I don’t know who our punter is nor do I care to find out)

You think he’s still holding grudges?  Check out this comment on a quick post about how the NFL televised a schedule release show during the football and hockey playoffs…

What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?  Go the fuck away dude!

If you’re not convinced yet that Chris Kluwe is the worst, here are some other comments that show just how unchill he is…

On Barry Bonds

If you’re a sports fan under 40 and you hate Barry Bonds, you’re the worst.  I don’t need to go into all the reasons behind this, but lets just say he is way more deserving of those home run records than Mark fucking McGwire.

On perfect games in baseball

Really dude?

On the Ballers premiere

Ohhh no those poor athletes!!  They have to be young, rich, and wealthy!?  God I’m so glad I wasn’t blessed with amazing athletic talent or my life would be the fucking worst. (Ballers sucks by the way)

On Game of Thrones

And that clinches it…  One of the great social litmus tests of 2015 is if you’ve been watching Game of Thrones for years and are just now quitting, you suck as a person.

If you’ve been following my gambling advice, your bookie is shaking in his boots right now. Edu Vargas scored both goals for us to beat Peru 2-1. The second goal was this masterpiece…

Awesome. It’s the type of long shot that you try to rip in a co-rec soccer game when you want to impress that cute colleague on your team so you can trick her into being attracted to you. Rarely do we see players at this high of a level be able to pull it off, but Vargas was just too much fire tonight.

Just one more win to go, and we can all be blowing some nice celebratory chi-lines for Chile and basking in the misery of our bookies. Can’t wait.

The Phillies Will Never Stop Sucking

The Phillies just hired some dude named Andy MacPhail to be their new president starting next season.  Besides having the perfect last name for an executive in Philly, he sports a resume that looks surprisingly legit…

-Twins GM from 1985-1994: built a badass team anchored by Kirby Puckett and Chuck Knoblauch that won two World Series

-Cubs GM from 1995-2006: made the Cubs not suck for the first time in nearly 100 years, then Bartman happened, then Mark Prior fell apart, and then the Cubs went back to sucking but still it was pretty impressive they ever got good in the first place

-Orioles President of Baseball Operations from 2007-2011: also built up a good team that is still very competitive today largely as a result of his contributions.

So the Phillies are about to get good again, right?  Nah…  Let’s take a look at a couple of quotes from his press conference…

I’m a little bit surprised you hired me because I’ve been out for three years, but grateful anyway.

Eh… Not a good start Philly.  The real bombshell, however, came when asked who will have final say on trades…

That’s up to Ruben Amaro and (current president) Pat Gillick), but I will add my opinion.

Whattt??  You mean he’s been with the organization for half a day now, and not only does Ruben Amaro still have a job, but he’s still running the trades?  That settles it.  This new dude doesn’t give a fuck.  The Phillies are going to stay terrible.

I shouldn’t even need to write it up.  Ruben Amaro is by far the worst GM in all of sports.  The Phillies are on pace to win less than 60 games this year.  They’ve been terrible the last two years.  And yet, Amaro still treats this team like it’s the World Series contender he inherited.  He never traded Cliff Lee, and now the team is paying $25M per year to a pitcher who might never play again.  He’s still hoarding Cole Hamels, who’s now starting to get lit up and already has two DL stints on the season to help his value plummet.  He also seems content to get nothing for Utley, Howard, and Papelbon while they suck the team’s finances dry.  Just a god awful exec.  If he still has a job, there is no reason for optimism over any other moves the Phillies make.  That city just has to resign themselves to the fact that their only chance of sports happiness this year rests on the shoulders (and creaky knees) of Sam Bradford.  Lol.

Some other baseball nuggets…

The Indians Also Suck, but May Still Be a Good Bet

What the hell is going on with the Indians this year?  Their rotation is easily the best top-to-bottom group starting fives in the majors.  They have some really good bats in Kipnis, Bourn, and Brantley.  They have a legendary manager.  And yet, they still lose all the fucking time.  They just don’t seem to ever care.  They were shut out in two games of a doubleheader yesterday, and their lack of focus was perfectly encapsulated by this error from Kipnis…

Horrible.  That two out error sparked a two run rally that eventually turned into a full fledged blowout.  I actually feel really sorry for the Indians pitcher here (Toru Murata).  He was called up for the doubleheader to keep the rest of the rotation on normal rest, and was making his major league debut at the ripe old age of 30.  3.1 innings and six runs later, it looks like his dream is already coming to an end.  Too bad for that dude…

All that being said, I still think the Indians at 33:1 are among the best value plays for World Series futures.  They were also playing terrible baseball at this time last year, and they still have a plethora of aces in their rotation they can ride.  Also, the entire American League sucks so they still have a legit path.  At 33:1, all they have to do is make the wild card play in game and you’d be able to start hedging the bet and guaranteeing profit.

My other value picks right now are the red hot A’s (50:1) and the Orioles (20:1) who just took over first in the god awful AL East.

It sucks that we lost out on what would’ve been an epic Brazil-Argentina match, but these semifinals are still going to be sick to watch.  If there’s a soccer bar in your area, do yourself favor and go there to watch one of the games.  I went to a bar in Houston last Friday that was packed with Columbia fans, and it was a sick experience…

As for picks, it will absolutely be Chile and Argentina in the finals, but the odds on both games are so steep that they’re not really worth gambling on.  Instead, now is a good time to place a hefty futures bet and earn yourself an extra paycheck for the summer.

Put the money on Chile at +140.  They’re the host nation, they have the deepest roster, and they’ve been dominating throughout the tournament.  I know ESPN’s SPI is not a foolproof indicator by any means, but just look at this…

Chile gets almost twice the chance of winning as Argentina, but they are still the underdogs.  I’ve never seen such a disparity between Vegas and these types of metrics before.  How does that happen?  The Messi-ah.  He is so good.  It’s like betting against Lebron; you can take a team that’s clearly better but this one player for the opponent is still going to give you worries at night.  Still, Argentina’s been far from impressive throughout the tourney.  They struggled throughout the entire group stage and were hanging by a thread during PKs against Columbia.  They shouldn’t be favorites.

The biggest risk with Chile right now is their starting centerback, Gonzalo Jara, is suspended for the rest of the tourney after sticking his fingers up Cavani’s butt and then flopping from the retaliation to draw the Uruguayan a red card.  This sucks for Chile because he was one of their better defenders, but they are supposed to have an adequate replacement in a reserve named Jorge Rojas who is a natural center defender.  After Rojas, however, the team is spread very thin and cannot afford injuries or card trouble.  That’s not enough to sway us from betting them, though, and they still have Sanchez and Vidal anchoring the attack.  And they’re at home.  They’re going to win.  Profit off of them.  (if you want to follow me in terms of units, put 20x your typical baseball bet)

While we’re at it, I might as well rattle off the baseball picks I like for tonight.

Red Sox (+110) at Blue Jays (-120), Over 8.5 runs (-120)

Twins (+147) at Reds (-167)

Rockies (+160) at Athletics (-175)

Dodgers (-158) at Diamondbacks (+143)

Brewers (-157) at Phillies (+142)

If you’ve been following my soccer picks so far your bookie must be pissed cuz they are fiirrree 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Three for three on the quarterfinals so far. Pay the rest of your bills with this pick for the 4th and final game of the round before the start of a semifinals round that looks to be the tits.

Conservative play here – take Brazil on the two way moneyline (-350) to move on and play Argentina. There’s been a lot of upsets this tourney and yes brazil is without Neymar, but they still have a ton of talent without him and they showed against Venezuela last game that they’re not gonna clam up and repeat the national humiliation that was the World Cup semi against Germany. Also if this game goes to penalty kicks, they have the experience of being clutch in the shootout against chile last summer and the moment will also just be too big for Paraguay.

Dirk who?  With the 52^nd pick in the NBA draft last night, the Mavs just assured themselves a handful of future titles by selecting 7’2”, 300lb Satnam Singh.  This dude is the truth!  He comes from a tiny farming village of less than 1,000 people in India, and had been training with IMG academy in the US since he was 15.  Of course he’s gonna be able to rebound and block a ton of shots with ease, but can he shoot?  Uhhh, yeah…

He’s only 19 too.  He’s going to dominate the NBA for years to come.  I honestly don’t understand how he wasn’t the #1 pick.  Seriously, he’s a monster!!  Look at him in this IMG video below, complete with his Dikembe Mutumbo monster voice and all…

Mark Cuban has to be thrilled right now.  Not only is he primed to have more championship rings than Phil Jackson, he just made 1.2 billion brand new Mavericks fans.  Singh will be worth way more in terms of branding than Yao Ming ever was.

Sure, all of the Chinese loved the Rockets for the first few years of Yao Ming, but most of them eventually switched to being Lakers fans (and then to Heat fans, and now probably Warriors fans).  In general, the fans over there tend to be front runners.  Can you blame them?  The only other professional sport they followed before basketball was soccer, and you’ll get real miserable real fast as a soccer fan if you don’t learn to embrace front running.

In India, it’s a completely different story.  They’ve been following other sports for decades.  They’re going to be loyal to Dallas forever.  Also, there are plenty of other Chinese basketball players that have played in the NBA.  There’s only one Indian.  It’s a lock – the Mavs fan base is now bigger than that of other team in the NBA combined.  Suck on that Lakers and Knicks!!  In the slim chance Satnam Singh actually needs good teammates around him to win his ten rings, Mark Cuban’s pockets will be so deep with new cash that the luxury tax won’t be a thing for Dallas.

Sorry rest of the NBA.  You’re doomed.

I was having a nice, relaxing summer night last night, just drinking some beer and watching the end of the Pirates-Reds game on MLB Network, and then this beast pops up on the TV…

Sheez…  I’m not even sure the Jack Black character in Shallow Hal would’ve likened up to this creature.  If you take a look at the still shot, you can see everybody in her section is either looking on in disgust or laughing at her.  It’s quite comical.  Her shirt says ‘We Are Family’.  She must love the Buccos family, because I’m guessing her own family disowned her.

What was ROOT Sports even thinking panning the camera at her?  Whatever happened to the tried and true formula of only showing hot girls or cute kids at baseball games?  The only theory that makes sense to me is that she is one of the most frequent customers of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, which is a major sponsor for the Pirates.

If you’ve been following my picks lately, they’ve been fire.  Pick these teams today to keep getting richer…

COPA AMERICA: Columbia +0.5 (-102) vs Argentina (Columbia three way ML: +395)

Argentina is the favorite to win the tournament because of Lionel Messiah, but they’ve been anything but impressive so far.  In their last game, they struggled mightily to eke out a 1-0 win against Jamaica.  They’ve also had a lot of internal turmoil.  Their brand new coach was fired from Barcelona just last year, partly because of tensions he had with Messi.  I expect him to be fired shortly after this game for the same reasons.

Columbia has had struggles of their own, but they are a much more talented all around team than Argentina.  We’re definitely going with Columbia tonight.  Remember, do 5x your standard baseball unit for these soccer games.  Put four of those units on the spread with Columbia getting an extra half point.  Then, put the other on Columbia winning outright on the three way moneyline at +395.

Now on to baseball…

Braves (+185) at Pirates (-210)

Take Liriano at home against an awful road team.

Nationals (-220) at Phillies (+190)

Scherzer against the Phillies?  Yes please.

White Sox (+142) at Tigers (-157)

The White Sox blow and the Tigers don’t.  Also, Sanchez has been hot lately and the Tigers own Quintana.

Indians (-101) at Orioles (-109)

Tough game to predict here, but I’ll take Kluber at this price any day.

Reds (-119) at Mets (+109)

Thor has slowed down a lot since his red hot start in the majors.  Cueto returns for the Reds.  Take Cincy.

Dodgers (-123) at Marlins (+113)

Nicolino was awesome for the Marlins in his debut last week.  Take him at plus money for the Marlins, who are one of the most underrated home teams in the majors.

Red Sox (+106) at Rays (-116) [3x units]

How the fuck are the Rays only at -116 at home against this god awful Red Sox team?  Take the Rays at 3x units.

Twins (+107) at Brewers (-117)

Take the Twins at plus money against this terrible Milwaukee team with a struggling Lohse on the mound.

Royals (+113) at Athletics (-123)

The Athletics have been hot lately and trot out one of the best #2s in the big leagues in Jesse Hahn tonight.  The Royals have been slumping.

Diamondbacks (+134) at Padres (-144)

Take the Diamondbacks and their rookie phenom Robbie Ray against one of the most disappointing teams in the majors tonight.

Rockies (+120) at Giants (-130) [3x units]

Fade the Rockies on the road in a hitters park against one of the best teams in baseball.  Easy.  Put down 3x units for this.