Month: June 2020

Who Sucks Worse – West Ham or That ManU Ref?

Wilbanks, ,

Spurs win 2-0 vs West Ham in a game that was much more nerve wracking in real life than it was on paper.  Two thirds possession and 15 total shots, but none of them actually hit the target.  Fortunately, West Ham sucks balls and we forced an own goal.  It was deserved.  That old ‘pucks on net’ hockey adage came to life in soccer form.

Even after the lead, it remained nerve wracking because this is Spurs in our season of spare.  West Ham hit the post, but we can just block that one single play out of our mind and remember us closing out in perfect form.  None of the bad things we’re used to seeing happen actually happened.  We look so good when that happens!

One week of restart is in and life definitely feels sweeter for us.  Sure, West Ham sucks, but they don’t suck nearly as much as that corrupt ManU ref on Friday.  I never had access to watch those 2006 rigged Serie A matches, but now I can confirm exactly what they must have looked like.  Corners turned into goal kicks.  Dirty ass play with no cards given.  Penalty kicks for breathing on players.  We new it would happen, but it still stung.  Thank god for VAR as a loss would’ve been catastrophic.

Four points in two games is not the world beater pace we need to make Champions League, but it’s a damn good start considering we deserved six.  We cheer for Sheffield or draw in their match vs ManU tomorrow, and then we can beat them next Thursday to make this race verrry interestinggg…

Sheffield also has FA cup on Sunday, so we’ll have a fatigue advantage on top of the depth advantage we already have.  Wolves?  I’m trying not to think about them, just like nobody wants to think about the fact that Lester is falling apart.  Let’s pray that ManU match rigging was a one game deal and we get a result from Sheffield tomorrow.  Then, this race is fucking on.

Observations and ANALysis:

–Kane did not look good at all on Friday and I was starting to worry that his age 26 was more like an NFL RB’s age 26.  That all vanished yesterday as he looked like a world beater again.  Tons of great through balls and strikes despite not getting a finisher until, when he was visibly exhausted in the 82nd minute, he knocked home that sprinting goal to make him confident as fuck for the rest of the season.  He’s one of our own and he scores when he wants.  Love him 🥰

–Son completed his compulsory military service over quarantine and was ranked in the top five of his 157 person class.  He probably played a role in KJU’s disappearance during that time too.  What a badass.  His goal yesterday was nifty as hell, even if it was a hair offsides.

-I’m gonna try and explain Sissoko’s importance through these two gifs:

-Given those three points above and that all three players were supposed to be out for the season, it’s clear no team has benefited more from this pandemic than Spurs.  As long as I keep my job, nobody I know dies, and we finish the job to make champions league, I will be a happy camper.  I will keep drinking coronas during the games as a good luck charm.

-Two games, two sets of well-executed tactics (out of one 4-2-3-1 formation).  We played typical Mourinho-ball on Friday, but yesterday we were forced to do the opposite.  NBC’s halftime commentators alluded to the struggles that Mourinho’s ManU and Chelsea teams had against bus parking, citing the emphasis on countering not jiving with the technical play it takes to break down deep blocks.

Spurs allayed those concerns for two main reason: (1) we have a lot of great dribblers when healthy  (2) Davies and especially Aurier were great on the wings, giving us extra width and numbers to get open.  A very possible third reason is that West Ham is trash, so let’s hope we keep this up throughout a remaining schedule of mostly teams that suck a little bit less than West Ham.

-I fucking love the new Dutch kid Bergwijn.  The internet may have been more focused on De Gea’s weak hands, but that strike on Friday was still absolutely nasty.  Unfortunately, it seems ManU put a bounty on him after because the ref was in their pocket, and he had to be subbed out after a brutally dirty tackle left him limping (no foul called).  He was a sub yesterday and had a good defensive play during our close out.

–Dier at CB, so far is a rock?  It’s definitely a more natural position for him than CDM, where he was too slow and clumsy.  I’m not ready yet to be comfortable with him, but am getting much less uncomfortable.  The Twitter account ‘TranSPURS’ has some good videos of his job vs both ManU and West Ham.

-Our beloved captain Hugo is looking as good as he’s ever been.  That £15k guard dog he bought over quarantine must’ve helped with his confidence.

-It is hilarious that West Ham is getting relegated!  Fuck em.

Who Sucks Worse – West Ham or That ManU Ref?

Dele Suspended for Friday Because the World Is Rigged Against Spurs

Wilbanks,

Dele Alli has been killing it under Mourinho this season, but he won’t be available for Friday’s ManU mega match because he made a coronavirus joke on Snapchat back in February. Surely it must’ve been race related if it warranted a suspension, but that is still confusing given his partnership in the worlds greatest bromance

Turns out his friends were giving him shit for wearing a mask to the airport because it was still only February 6th at the time. He took a Snapchat of an Asian man coughing and put a caption of ‘corona whattt’ to prove to his friends he wasn’t overreacting. The FA deemed it wasn’t racist, but it was still offensive enough for suspension because it made light of corona. On February 6th… While that scumbag Kyle Walker gets nothing for having sex parties during lockdown.

Obviously the real reason is the ballooning debt of over $500m happening at the worst possible time in modern history. Desperate for champions league revenue and scared shitless with Mourinho standing in the way of that, their good friends in the FA threw out a life line.  So not only do we lose our best player, but the refs will likely be corrupted as well.

We also had a scrimmage with Reading canceled because they have covid-positive players.  Mourinho had a plan for two friendlies (one already took place vs Norwich) to test out two starting XIs before the ManU game.  It turns out he only gets one look because of this.  Not ideal.

The problems keep piling up for Spurs, but it’s not like we aren’t used to that.  On the bright side, we have all three of Kane, Son, and Sissoko back from the dead and ready to save the season.  We’ve also had this month of dedicated practice for Mighty Mou to finally be able to train his tactics.  The odds may be stacked against us, but ManU+refs are going to get a run for their money.

Dele Suspended for Friday Because the World Is Rigged Against Spurs

NASCAR Looks for Upgrade Over the ‘Poor and Stupid’ Demographic

Wilbanks

For decades, poor and stupid people across America have flocked to NASCAR as a safe haven for their poor and stupid culture.  That demo used to be large enough to be profitable, but those prospects have fallen on grave times lately.  According the Wall Street Journal, ratings and revenue have been in a free fall since the start of the 2008 financial crisis.  TV ratings are down 50%, and 1/4 of seats in all racetrack stands have been removed due to declining attendance.  It turns out that recessions hit harder on the poor and stupid than it does for people that live in cities.

Fans may be crying otherwise on the internet, but this move to ban confederate flags is not about caving to lib wokeness – it’s about business.  Another recession is hitting, and NASCAR needs to open up to people that aren’t poor.  Some may say that’s impossible, but I disagree.  One example is Charles Barkley, who in 2004 was on his way to check out his first NASCAR race but had to leave before he finished parking because he had already seen too many confederate flags around.

Race days aren’t necessarily about the cars and drivers – it’s primarily about day drinking.  Dak and Zeke may not become diehard racing fans, but they may certainly come to find that race day is a great environment for their bromance.  Countless other bros across America fall into that same category.  And not just African Americans, but people of any minority group and even whites who don’t enjoy seeing racist symbols.  Basically, anyone who lives in civilization (cities) is a part of this untapped demographic, and fortunately for NASCAR every track except Talledaga is near a city.

This is why I recommend every sports fan give NASCAR a shot this year.  That doesn’t mean watching any of it on TV because that is obviously too boring and always will be.  But race days are cool, and they are a tradition that should live because day drinking and watching huge ass machines will always be fun as shit.  Reward NASCAR for taking this step and start pricing out all those poor and stupid losers.  This is one way capitalism can be a force for good.

Obligatory:

NASCAR Looks for Upgrade Over the ‘Poor and Stupid’ Demographic

Troubled Tulane Athletes Piling up in 2020

Wilbanks,

In the first week of 2020, it appeared Tulane football was finally leaving (irrelevancy) on a Jett plane once and for all. For those who aren’t from Texas, the picture above shows a bonafide baller quarterback (former Texas Tech starter) donning Mardi Gras beads and a Green Wave jersey to announce that he was taking his talents to the AAC.  What a huge get for Tulane.  PFF College had him rated as the top returning starter in the Big 12, and I’ve seen enough of him to easily concur with the nerds.

This kid wasn’t a pro prospect or anything like that, but he has a highlight reel against half the Big 12 teams – we were guaranteed to be UCF/Memphis level awesome with him on board.  Our previous QB, Justin McMillan, made a lot of sick plays and an equal number of horrendously awful plays.  That was good enough for us to start 5-1, with the only loss being a screw job by the refs at Auburn (two red zone takeaways overturned on BS premises).  Jett was the upgrade we needed for 1998 vibes to start coming back.

Unfortunately, it was not meant to be.  That picture was deleted from Duffey’s Twitter account a week after he posted it because Tulane denied him academic admission.  It’s nice to have pride in academics and all that, but this seemed a little ridiculous.  When it comes to quarterbacks of his caliber, the minimum admission requirements should be nothing more than basic literacy.  Why would a supposedly smart school do something so stupid?  Apparently, the academic issues were just a smokescreen.

Later in February, Central Michigan also rejected his transfer, this time citing an issue with his freshman season suspension for sexually assaulting an incapacitated student in addition to a new complaint filed in 2019.  That explains why he mysteriously entered the transfer portal to begin with, and is the reason he’s without a program despite originally being a top transfer target for The U.  Given that Tulane is just two years removed from a somewhat disturbing sexual assault climate report, it was probably best to err on the side of caution.

Last year, we had a big basketball transfer when Teshaun Hightower came over from the Georgia Bulldogs to become our leading scorer and play well enough to enter the draft.  It turns out he’s a bigger criminal than Jett Duffey ever was, because in April he was charged with MURDER.  Yikes. At least be good enough to carry us to the tourney if you’re gonna be a murderer.

Finally, last week we showed big improvement in our rap sheet by moving on from rape and murder to mere domestic violence.  Defensive back Tyler Judson, a prized 3 star recruit who we stole from Ole Miss, was suspended indefinitely after beating up his girlfriend outside of a Waffle House and sending her to the ICU.  This story is sad because in addition to being good, he was supposed to be a pretty bright guy.  He decommitted from Ole Miss because of our architecture program, which is rigorous as hell and fairly exclusive.  Unfortunately, he was not yet smart enough to limit his life’s problems to only 99 at a time.

Troubled Tulane Athletes Piling up in 2020

The Madden Vision Cone Was Actually Good

Wilbanks

On Thursday, EA and the NFL announced a renewal of their exclusive licensing agreement, meaning football video games will continue to suck for another undisclosed length of years.  Madden veterans remember when this deal was first announced in 2004, a sad turning point for the industry.

The prior year, 2K Sports released NFL 2K5 for only $20 a month before Madden came out.  The game was pretty sick, featuring a new ‘first person football’ mode, awesome celebrations (that came with a risk of fumbling into the end zone), and Boomer highlights.  The pass defense AI was trash however, so Madden’s Ray Lewis title with a ton of defense innovations kept them holding on to king status.

2K5 was still legit though, so football gamers were optimistic that the competition would breed great products for years to come.  That all died with the exclusive rights announcements and Madden devs have been mailing it in since.  Sad times.

That being said, I will give EA credit for trying a little at the start for Madden 06.  They introduced a very controversial ‘QB Vision’ feature that everyone hated, but it was a legitimately good idea.  Playing zone defense starts with looking at a QB’s eyes, and this was a way to do that in a video game.  After all the Vick cheese that happened the year before, there needed to be a way to level the playing field between pocket passers and scramblers.

Even though you could turn it off easily, the Madden community was beyond outraged and the message was sent to never again disrupt their comfort zone.  At the point, there was no good reason to mess with further innovations and the game sucked forever from then on.  (Maybe it got better, but I’ve had no reason to find out)

Manning vs Vick vision cones. It was a cool feature, but people hate change

Speaking of said Vick cheese from the 05 game, I always found it hilarious back then to watch Madden Bowl matches consisting of two scrambling quarterbacks (mostly just Vick) and a rotation of three glitchy plays being called the entire game.  That’s why it gave me great joy to learn that this year’s Madden champion won without attempting a single pass.  The rosters were set via salary cap drafts, and he just used a punter for a QB and o-linemen for WRs and ran the ball every play.  Amazing!  What a joke e-sports are.  It’s getting bigger and all yeah yeah, but I doubt it ever peaks to levels of say… current day women’s soccer.

Also, one very important but sad Madden note is that Charles Rogers died last November.  RIP in peace to a legend.  It doesn’t matter what he accomplished on the field; we should be forever grateful for his performance in the best Madden commercial of all time…

The Madden Vision Cone Was Actually Good