So I tuned into the World Baseball Classic for the first time ever last night to see the end of USA-Japan.  I feel a little happy and patriotic and shit to see us win, but I’m so confused on how Japan of all teams could fuck that ending up the way they did. Let’s run this down…

In the top of the 8th inning, third baseman Nobuhiro Matsuda errored on a ground ball to allow the game winning run.  That was shocking because I thought Japanese players never have errors.  Apparently the rain fucked with them because they have to play most of their games indoors to dodge typhoons.  That might be a reasonable excuse, but I still think this dude should take the ‘bu’ out of his first name and start going by ‘No-Hiro’ to distance his family from shame.

The real perplexity came in the bottom of the inning.  Down 2-1, Japan subbed their famous catcher and hot dog eater Kobayashi for a pinch hitter who got the leadoff single.  So far so good for the Japs, especially with their leadoff hitter coming to the plate.  Unfortunately, they decided to fuck themselves over by having this aforementioned leadoff hitter (their best hitter) BUNT their runner over to second!

What?? Are the Japanese still living in 2007?  Did they just completely ignore the sabermetrics revolution?  They’re so good at math, but for some reason they’re unwilling to apply it to their beloved baseball team…

For those uninitiated to basic (and I mean basic) sabermetrics, Brandon Linthicum from One Strike Away has a concise and insightful explanation on why sac bunts are stupid, especially when moving someone from first to second.  In essence, having an extra out to play with carries significantly more value than advancing a runner one base forward.  This specific bunt by Japan actually decreased their chance at tying the game by 24%.  Amazing…

Naturally, their next three hitters went strikeout, walk (hmm), and lineout to end the inning without scoring.  What a dishonorable way to lose a game.  Why not just steal instead of doing the kamikaze-bunt?  Is it simply too hard for the Japs to tamper down their sacrificial values?  I hope nobody ever drops a bomb on manager Hiroki Kokubo by giving him a copy of Moneyball because he may start considering seppuku by the end.

In the end, it may be a shitty new era for America as a whole, but it does feel nice to see us outsmart some harder-working foreigners once again.

I have to admit I pretty much never watch FC Dallas.  The MLS puts their playoff games in the middle of NFL Sundays for some reason, so I’ve never had a choice but to not give a shit about them.  That’s changing tonight though, because we’re in the semifinals of the CONCACAF Champions League.  Fuck yeah, feels good to be awesome at another sport!

We’re playing some Mexican team Pachuca.  They’re good – I know because I actually do follow Liga MX here and there (its the best league by far to gamble on because the crowds and the Mexican announcers make the dopamine rush feel sooo good).  However, it still looks like free money taking us at +158.  Apparently we’re the best MLS team, and the Mexicans just lost their striker…

Hahaha suckeerrrrss!!  Also, I wonder if we’re gonna start any “build that wall!!” chants during our set pieces?  We’ll see I guess.

Our women’s soccer team got thrashed 3-0 by France yesterday, which locked them into a last place finish in some tournament called the SheBelieves Cup (what?).  Last fall in the Olympics, we suffered an ’embarrassing’ upset to Sweden in the quarterfinals.  I’ve gone over this before and I’d like to reiterate now that they’ve stopped winning…  Can we finally stop pretending to give a shit about these broads?

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t hate all women sports and I’m not a complete misogynist.  Serena Williams is one of the most exciting athletes in the world.  Simone Biles is cool as hell.  Our soccer team, however, has no fucking reason to be in the limelight because they’re boring as shit.

I’ve tried watching before and can never make it through 20 minutes because these games are just flat out unentertaining.  The most positive thing I can say about them is that women sustain longer possessions because everyone is so slow that the playing surface is essentially larger.  It’s like watching Olympic hockey, but with middle school hockey players instead of NHLers.

The worst part about this team is, despite being boring as hell to watch, they’ve been throwing a big fucking tantrum for years about how important they’re supposed to be.  They tried to go on strike and get paid like the men’s team, yet there was like 3,000 total fans at that Sweden game in Rio.  They called FIFA sexist for having artificial turf fields in the Women’s World Cup even though half the MLS teams and every single high school team plays on that.  They even complain that their jerseys are too attractive.  I actually get excited when they lose now in the hopes that they start shutting the fuck up.

I’m all for women’s rights and shit, but this type of kowtowing is counterproductive to the cause.  When you feed into the SJW agenda like this, you’re giving the real chauvinists the ammunition they need to start their movements.  Let’s be better!!

Boogie Cousins, widely renowned as a basketball cancer because he somehow always had problems with the Kings, committed the big bad crime recently of collecting his 16th technical foul.  Yesterday, he felt the full wrath of the NBA when they threw down their suspension and forbade him from waking up and going to work today.  Poor dude!!

In all serious,  barring any NBA political bullshit, I can’t see how this trade doesn’t end up with championship parades in New Orleans.  When you have two MVP candidates on a team, you’re a top contender in the NBA.  Period.  And not only do the Pellies have two MVPs now, they have them at the 4 and 5 in a league with barely any good bigs.  We’re zigging like the rest of the league is zagging – comparative advantage like you read about!

I get that the rest of the team apparently sucks, but that doesn’t really matter.  Team building is for losers.  Superstars are the winners in this league.  Ask the Hawks and Grizzlies how their ‘team building’ is going.  The Rockets did all that investment into analytics and never won shit because they couldn’t sign Bosh.

The Pelicans, on the other hand, know where its at.  Find a way to get fucked over in a CP3 trade so the NBA has to ‘randomly select’ your lottery ball for AD.  Then trade rape the Kings.  Boom!  I guess they could find some ‘3 and D’ role players or whatever just to be safe, but upcoming championship parades here are pretty much a foregone conclusion now.  Dope.