Lowly Lions Lose Late Last Night

Lions Flowers

When Detroit plays on primetime you know they’re either gonna lose embarrassingly like the jets opener last year or depressingly like the Seattle batted ball game and the packers Hail Mary.

Megatron gif

Monday night fell into the latter category because of those two absolute horse shit hands to the face penalties.  Honestly the last time I can remember a season where people weren’t freaking out over refs had to have been as far back as when Barry still loved football.  Usually it’s just outrage culture bullshit, but this year there’s merit because these of these fake replay reforms.  I hope the NFL isn’t becoming the new NBA, but Occam’s razor is starting to give me doubts.

Unfortunately this game was also a bad look for Frat Stafford as he once again showed America that he’s as bad at sealing 4th quarters as Kershaw is at pitching playoffs.  It’s hard to feel sorry for a veteran NFL quarterback from Highland Park but I’m almost starting to with Stafford.  Wild to think that a #1 pick could have such a long career with Megatron and wind up with such an empty legacy, but here we are.  It just goes to show you that passing stats are like bikinis – they look sexy but they don’t show you the real thing.

Of course it also doesn’t help that his offensive coordinator is notorious choker Darrell Bevell.  I really find it odd that he and Patricia are working together.  I mean on that Super Bowl goal line stand Patricia raped Bevell harder than he raped that one girl on spring break 1996.  It’s just an odd replacement for Jim Bob Cooter and an odd dynamic all around.

Lowly Lions Lose Late Last Night

Robert Kraft Fell in Love with Two Hookers and It Was Probably Magical

Kraft Girlfriend

There was a big expose this week on the Robert Kraft/Asian hooker ring bust and one particular passage has been making some rounds:

Kraft Hookers

No fucken way man.  Everyone said it made no sense that a billionaire would need a rub and tug spa and everyone was right.  He was in love with the hookers.  What a life!

I honestly feel bad for mr kraft here.  It must be really true that he loved his wife that much even with all those nookie girls immediately taking her place in the suite.  He’s just a man that loves to fall in love.  If the police had any decency, they could’ve at least delayed the sting until after Kraft had a chance to save those hookers lives and fulfill all their hopes and dreams.

Robert Kraft Fell in Love with Two Hookers and It Was Probably Magical

Are the Stars Gonna Suck or Will They Skate the Cup?

seguin stretch

It looked like the Stars were going to suck this year starting 0-3 and one of our players almost died*.  We were down for most of tonight and the season was on the line apparently so I had to tune in for my first ten minutes of NHL hockey this season.  I saw enough to say that we most definitely do not suck and will in fact skate the Cup.

Our go-ahead goal in the third period was off an especially lazy turnover by Washington.  It was the type of play you’d almost never see in the playoffs but it’s October and you can only expect players to have so much focus this far away from the real games.

Which brings me to my main point – what is hockey doing starting so damn early in the fall?  I love hockey to death but no thank you to getting up for any of this when we’re only a couple weeks removed from the summer!  I’ll probably tune in to close third period games until our record comes back to normal and then tune out for the next couple of months.

*wtf??

Are the Stars Gonna Suck or Will They Skate the Cup?

Cowboys Get off to a Disappointing 4-2 Start

favre head hit

The fact of the matter is Aaron Rodgers has owned us his entire career and I’m at peace with it.  Despite all of Brett Favre’s accolades and all of those John madden live action dick sucking sessions that America had to endure for so many Monday nights, there is one thing Favre could never do and that is win a game at Texas Stadium.  Rodgers came onto the scene in that OG Thursday night football game in 2007 to replace a broken Brett Favre and hasn’t looked back since.  His lone super bowl was in our stadium and he’s taken a seemingly spiritualistic pleasure in sticking it to Dallas his entire career.  And I’m cool with it.  Give me that in return for dominating Favre’s ass for 15 years any day.  Besides, what does wisconsin have to show for it, a whopping one super bowl each for both of those legendary quarterbacks.  ‘Whoop dee doo,’ says Troy from the booth.

We have the Jets next week so we’re still good for a nice 4-2 start to kick off the season.  The big test is the after that on SNF vs the Eagles where Dak’s gotta do what he’s done his whole career (outside the Zeke suspension year) and OWN that team.  Also their secondary is absolute trash so we’re in good position to be 5-2 with a playoff spot locked up and a couple months to try out new kickers and sort out any other issues with the team before playoffs.

Stay strong Dallas fans.  Part of being royalty means taking everyone’s best punch and we just took a couple good ones both at the dome and against one of the goats.  For what it’s worth, I have never and I mean never seen New Orleans as shook to its core as this and there is no reason for the spirit to die down at 4-2

PS Favre and Rodgers are boys now which is hilarious.  Imagine being one of those dudes and having to waste all of your god given talents in wisconsin – yikes

Cowboys Get off to a Disappointing 4-2 Start

Tulane -5.5: Greatest Trick Play Ever Completes Greatest Cover Ever

Tulane Fake Kneel

Good teams win; great teams cover. Vegas cashed in big tonight as Tulane did both on ESPN. As all the non-college fans got their first taste of legendary Leach protege Gardner Minshew, degen nation watched Leach’s ugliest protege collapse on his ass in uptown New Orleans. Fuck you Dana. 

As is New Orleans tradition, the refs tried to fuck us over hard with this horse shit roughing the passer call:

(Flashback to Joe Kemp’s injury at Houston back in the day)

Between Saints scouting and Dallas sports radio superstardom, the Kemps are a good family for Dallas/NOLA sports so we can unite and say fuck Houston and fuck that call.  Also though, QBs are supposed to spike the ball if they hear a whistle…

It doesn’t matter because our defense locked down again and we got the ball at the perfect time to whip out this fake kneel down fake sweep reverse:

And then OK st transfer Jalen McCleskey caught a ball in field goal range, realized the Houston secondary had been living up to their head coach’s first name, and decided “Fuck the win I’m going for the cover.”

Chah ching! CHALK one up for the good guys and pour one out for the good man T Boone Pickens.  If only he had stuck around for one week longer he would’ve been proud as hell to see Mason Rudolph’s promotion and this kid’s legendary cover.  He’s smiling in heaven tonight though I’m sure.

Great win.  Greater cover.  Fuck all of those terrible gamblers out there that pounced on Houston.  UCF better start watching out!

Tulane -5.5: Greatest Trick Play Ever Completes Greatest Cover Ever

Tulane Only Favored by 5.5 vs Houston

8116A268-525C-421B-A64B-243F4E0B00CF

Tulane hosts Houston in a Thursday degenerate showcase for gamblers everywhere to enjoy during TNF commercial breaks.  We played Houston in this same time slot last year and it was a blowout loss notable only for Ed Oliver trying to fight his coach.  This year is different however, as the line opened up Tulane -3.5 and has been steamed as far as -5.5.  Fucken right!

Houston is one of those ‘P5 darlings’ that have actually been ranked in recent years.  They stole Dana Holgerson from West Virginia last January and even though I’ve always thought him as kind of an ugly loser, he is still an Air Raid protege and one of the brightest offensive minds in the game.  They also returned stud quarterback D’Eriq King (obviously a dual threat), who was one of the greatest Texas high school QBs ever and this year has looked pretty awesome against Oklahoma and Washington State.  Against the latter last Friday, they found themselves halftime favorites.

Despite all that, the sharps are hammering Tulane.  It’s not something I expected, in fact it’s so unexpected that it has to be a lock.  We are good again.  Finally!

I haven’t seen much of the team this year, but I did see enough of that Auburn game to see that we kept it close for awhile and had a chance but the refs were definitely paid off.  We had two straight turnovers that were overturned without clear evidence.  The first of those turnovers was the brightest spot of the night as it coincided with our secondary putting Auburn’s star WR into a sling.

That’s what I’m talking about.  Can’t call us cupcakes anymore with us coming at you like that.  For what it’s worth, the aforementioned D’eriq King tore his meniscus against us last year and missed the rest of the season.  Just something to keep in mind.

Tulane -5.5 – hammer that fucking lock

Tulane Only Favored by 5.5 vs Houston

An Homage to Rosie Ruiz – the Coolest Female Athlete of All Time

rosie ruiz

Last night there were some sports obits going around about Rosie Ruiz, who I ended up learning was undoubtedly the greatest women’s sports heroine in history. As a child, she fled Cuba at age 8.  As an adult, she achieved the American dream by winning the 1980 Boston Marathon with a record breaking time.  However, things kind of blew up in her face in the post-race interview when it became obvious that she cheated.

Witnesses saw her sneak into the race from the crowd at a point well ahead of all the other women runners, but none of the official spotters noticed her because people weren’t pretending to care about the women’s race back then.  They ended up disqualifying her and even found out that she took a subway through the whole route of the New York Marathon to qualify.  Like a true master woman, she denied until she died.

In the decade that followed her historic victory, she accomplished several other feats such as stealing 60k from her employer, trafficking a bunch of cocaine, having some babies and then finding a loving lesbian partner for the rest of her life.  Her friends and family didn’t even mention her athletic feats in a very sweet obituary, but then some running magazine got wind of it and published the coolest part of her life story.

Those runners that read that running magazine may seem bitter, but at the end of the day she is the greatest women’s marathon runner of all time in my eyes.  I mean who else is even out there that even compares?  Can you name anyone else better?

Rip in peace Rosie – you lived a good one

An Homage to Rosie Ruiz – the Coolest Female Athlete of All Time