Game 5: Stars Kill Off Knights for a Gentleman’s Sweep. Too! Easy!!

This is how easy it was to beat the trash ass Vegass Golden Knights in five.

What a trash hockey team they have out in that lame ass, fake ass city in the desert. Can’t believe how easy it was to beat such a stupid, arrogant bunch of overrated pricks.

It’s like they forgot that the reason their roster exists is because nobody else wanted to keep them. And that their division was easy as hell and they ran through a tissue paper schedule all season long.

Why were they so damn cocky? Whatever. Back to their families they go.


“Daddy, did you win?”

“No. But I’m home.”

Hahahaha. The Stars have other plans…

And also that stupid anthem chant is gone from the bubble for good. It’s a win for everyone.

The Lightning took an extra game and some OTs to finish off the Islanders, so we start the Cup on Saturday with four days of rest. HUGE for Dobby. Huge for all the other players too after going through 21 games over 42 days.



So how did game 5 go down?

The Knights fought as nobly as they could to stay alive, but we started dominating the second the 3rd period started. Literally. Almost tied it ten seconds in and then they got this lucky-as-fuck break to make it 2-0.

Didn’t matter. Our captain had other plans…


And then our new wonder kid stepped up to the plate and did what he was born to do – score big time playoff goals…

Joel Fuckin Kiviranta. The best JFK to ever come through Dallas. I LOVE this fucking Fin!


It went to OT, Vegass committed a stupid delay of game penalty early on because they’re not cut out for this shit. And then our badass Russian rookie stepped up to do his thing…

My god I love my Russkis so much. Top three plays of the series are…

(1) any save by Dobby. (2) Radulov’s OT banger to win game 3. (3) Sweet sweet Denis’s OT slapper to win us the Campbell trophy.


Four more wins away from doing this again…

Let’s. Fucking. Go.

Game 5: Stars Kill Off Knights for a Gentleman’s Sweep. Too! Easy!!

Game 4: Captain America JoePa’s Epic Chip Shot Puts Vegass on Their Knees

So.. this is really happening isn’t it? Unbelievable. It is so surreal, I just don’t know how to feel.

For the second series in a row, we’re up 3-1 against a team that bookies chalked as easy favorites. Only this time, we’re not gonna forfeit Game 5 because one more win means a trip to the STANLEY CUP FINALS.

On paper, this was a game we had no business winning. 65% Corsi against. No life at all going forward, especially in the first two periods.

We were gifted with two early power plays and only got two shots on goal, which was the same amount of shorthanded shots that Vegas had on us. It looked like we were trying new tactics and forcing skating entries, and it looked like shit…

For thirty minutes, it seemed that our skaters weren’t capable of stringing together consecutive high energy games against this Vegass team. Dobby had us hanging on by a thread, but we spent too much time in the penalty box and the seal was finally broken at 7:44 in the second.

Prospects stayed grim following the goal, and it just didn’t look to be our night at all. Then this happened…

Holy fucking shit that is one of the nastiest goals I have ever seen. A freakin CHIP SHOT! Hooowww on earth is Captain America JoePa so god damn good? There’s no way you can practice that. This is just a man that god created solely to handle a stick in front of the net. Preternatural instincts is an understatement.

Thank you SO SO MUCH San Jose Sharks! So glad you kept Karlsson off our hands. And SO glad you let this amazing hero walk free!


That wonder goal gave us life, and then it finally became our turn to go on the power play again. Twice. The first crack didn’t work out, but it almost cost Lehner his life…

On the second crack, our beautiful captain stepped up for the billionth clutch point this postseason. His vintage god mode is back and here to stay. $9.5M a year is chump change!

From there, we set up the impenetrable bunker fortress that’s been locking down wins all season. It wasn’t as easy as usual though. Eight of our 17 total blocked shots came in the final period.

Some those occurred during a nut clenching-three minute PK stretch that saw a near shorthanded goal get turned into a full minute of 5v3…

The penalties went by with zero pucks hitting net. So did the rest of the period. Dobby was as sensational all night as he’s been all postseason. What a god damned awesome goalie.


And last but not least, here’s another glimpse of just how amazing our 21 year old Finnish badass Miro Heiskanen is…


Game 5 is tonight. It’s obviously not a must win, but if we dare look forward to the Finals, we have a freight train from Tampa rolling on the other side and we cannot let them get more rest than us. Put a nail in that coffin and move on.

Game 4: Captain America JoePa’s Epic Chip Shot Puts Vegass on Their Knees


Hoooolllly shit what a win that was. 3-2 for our beautiful beasts. We are two wins away from making the finals, and six games away from partying like it’s 1999. Holy fuck.


After not scoring for essentially eight straight periods against Vegass, we erupted for three in essentially one period. First blood was a tale of two breakaways.

It starts with Karlsson catching a break for Vegass after we had been dominating in the o-zone. Fortunately, he choked.

Minutes later, Heiskanen and our Big Rig Jamie Oleksiak were pulled out to the blue line because apparently they go to man-to-man when Vegass activates their defensemen. Comeau picked up a blocked shot and passed to Miro. Next was a slick feed to the Big Rig for a breakaway that finished in the opposite form of Karlsson’s…

As a 14th overall pick in 2011, Oleksiak struggled throughout most of his career until two years ago when he was traded midseason to the Penguins. They taught him to stop sucking and un-busted him, and then by the grace of god traded him right back to us last year (for the same 4th rd pick they gave us for him).

The Big Rig has been an absolute beast for us defensively throughout the entire postseason, and now he has one of the biggest goals of the year. What a comeback story, what a player, and what a god damned goal!


The third period got intense as shit. One minute into it, Seguin had a beautiful chance for an early insurance goal but hit the tail end of Lehner’s stick…

Then we started brain farting on defense and gave up a 5v3, almost killed it, but ultimately gave up an equalizer.

The mood plummeted, but our beautiful captain made things right again three minutes later. After Eddie Olczyk had been begging us to shoot 5-hole the entire period before, Jamie Benn did just that after a sick fake-high-go-low…

From there on, our Russians took center stage. Dobby was sensational all night, but did give up a second equalizer after he got interfered and begged for a challenge. Unfortunately, the Toronto replay crew was too spineless to enforce the rules by the book and called it incidental.

Dobby apologized in the form of a stick bang and then transfigured himself into a brick wall for the rest of the game.

It was especially incredible considering the fact that he looked injured on one of his late leg splits and was noticeably slow getting up for the final five minutes of the game.

He didn’t have to move a muscle in overtime though, because our beautiful Russian forward did this 31 seconds in…

Sweet Jesus WHAT A FUCKING SHOT. Gooooooddd fucking lord that was so amazing.

Outside of Colorado Game 7, I thought Radulov had been sparing us to death for the past two weeks and honestly preferred Cogliano in the lineup instead of him. Never has a plate of crow tasted sweeter…

The Benn/Seguin/Rads line was broken up for a couple games until this one, and they got back to dominating as soon as they reunited. Two of the three goals came from this line, and they accounted for 2/3 of shots whenever they were on the ice. If this line fully activates again, this team gets even scarier good.

Oh and speaking of good… Heiskanen is so, so, soooo good.

After opening the series at -250 and being up to -280 before Game 3, Vegass is now slight underdogs. And we might’ve finally cracked the code on Lehner.

If we win tonight, shit gets really reeaalllll. Let’s. Fucking. Go.


Game 2: Let’s Talk About Vegass’s Stupid Anthem Chant

The Knights came out more focused than us in Game 2 and the series is tied at one now. Sucks. It looks like we need some tactical adjustments going forward as Vegas looked way better with rest and Ryan Reaves back.

On the bright side, we got to rest Dobby for the 3rd period and Jake Oettinger looked pretty decent, which is a good sign for the future.


Enough about the game because it sucked. Now is a better time than any to discuss something that’s been really triggering me lately and that is the national anthem…

I’m not triggered by the fact that it’s disrespectful (which it is), and no I don’t care about the UCF Golden Knights either. The reason I’m triggered is that this chant is just plain fucking stupid.

The Stars have a way better chant where we yell “STARS” twice during the anthem. You see, ‘Stars’ in the Dallas Stars and the Star Spangled Banner are actual homonyms of each other. That is a chant to actually be proud of. In fact, it’s the only good anthem chant in America if you ask me.

Stars = Stars

Knights ≠ Night

Simple as that.

But even though our chant is the best, we don’t go around shoving it in everyone’s faces. Maybe we should start doing that now though with Vegass being all smug and obnoxious over the dumbest rendition ever.

Be better, Vegass. Be more like this.

Game 2: Let’s Talk About Vegass’s Stupid Anthem Chant

Game 1: Stars Shut the Mouths of Cocky Vegass Knights in Gritty 1-0 Shutout

In the Colorado series, the Stars had to go against their norm and push on offense to have a prayer of outscoring the high powered Avs. We didn’t necessarily race up and down the ice, but rather played high and aggressive with forechecking to bring the physicality to the offensive zone.

The result was five goal games in all four of our wins; a huge turnaround from the 2nd lowest scoring offense in the league during regular season.


In game 1 against Vegass, the Stars got back to our dominant defense and goaltending ways through a gritty 1-0 shutout. The neutral zone was clamped down shut, and if the Knights ever did find their way into the o-zone, the Dallas defensive bunker was impenetrable.

It’s hard to tell if we set out to use these tactics from the beginning or if the plan was to just lock down once we got a lead. The reason? Our goal came on our very first shot, just two and half minutes into the game…

Maybe we would’ve opened up more going forward if Vegass had ever equalized, but they didn’t. They didn’t even come close. Five total high danger scoring chances (including power plays) and zero total goals. It was a masterpiece.


A lot of people are pointing to the fact that the Knights were tired after playing back to back games 6 and 7 vs the Canucks. I’m sure that affected the game, but I have no sympathy.

Vegass gets a huge break all season by playing an easy schedule in the easiest division in hockey, while we have to grind it out in the hardest division every year. Also, don’t get pushed to seven games vs Vancouver if you don’t want to be tired.


When it comes to fatigue throughout the entire course of the series, Vegass should have the advantage. Mainly because of their goalie situation, as backup Theo Fleury looked very much like the Fleury that put the expansion team on his back and carried them to the finals two years ago.

Dobby was even better, as he stopped 100% of his shots and allowed ZERO rebound attempts.

In any given game, I’ll feel comfortable rolling with Dobby. However, he is a small goalie and depends on reflex skills that might wear down over a series.

I hope Bishop can snap out of whatever funk he’s in, or Vegass might get a leg up with fresh top-notch goalies. That’s why getting game 1 was so huge for us.


After taking out assistant captains early on in our first two series, we got right back at it and targeted Mark Stone…

This was the best hit of the game though…

Now to Vegass’s credit, none of their players are out for the series yet. Good for them for being tougher than the Flames and Avs. Still, it was quite nice to see a team that was so visibly cocky for two series before this end up looking tired, quiet, and scared all night on Sunday.


A couple other notes…

Heiskanen is so, so good. The Athletic’s Sean Shapiro just released a nice writeup on how his 21 year old play measures up to old legends in their primes.

One gif can’t do him justice, but there’s so many things like this that he makes look so easy. It doesn’t show up in the box score, but he’s already breaking records in that aspect anyway.


The Avs were cheating against us all last series. It looks like Vegass won’t be able to and that might be huge. Finally, interference is being called again…


We win three out of six and we’re in the finals. Game 2 tonight. Let’s fucking go.

Game 1: Stars Shut the Mouths of Cocky Vegass Knights in Gritty 1-0 Shutout

Stars +205 vs Vegass – Bookmakers Are High for a Third Straight Series

Show of hands from all my readers and be honest here y’all… Who among us has ever actually enjoyed a trip to Vegas?

Ohh hmm for some reason I don’t see any hands just like every other time I’ve ever asked this question. It’s almost like VegASS is the most overrated city in the world.

Apparently they have the most overrated hockey team in the world too because the Knights are -250 to beat us in the conference finals. I’m starting to sound like a broken record here but… what the fuck Vegas?

I understand that Vegas teams get inflated odds because of all the local tickets. And yes, this is still better odds than they gave us for the Avs. But it is still insulting and I’m having none of it.


The Avs were the best team in the league and I still thought their price was way too high going into that series. I was proven more than right when we nearly gentleman sweep’d em before accidentally forfeiting that game 5.

The Knights on the other hand just barely escaped a seven game series against the freakin Canucks. “Yeah but they murdered the advanced stats etc etc.” Oh, great… What an accomplishment dominating possession against the freaking VANCOUVER CANUCKS.

Vancouver has been one of the worst teams in hockey over the past several seasons, with some slight improvement this year due to a weighted schedule against the easiest division opponents by far. Vegas gets the same benefit by the way.

There are five, possibly six teams in the Central division that could win the Pacific easily. Remember last year when everyone thought Calgary was good? Haha, that was funny.


The biggest hurdle to the finals was Colorado and we just cleared that with flying colors. Making us heavy underdogs to the west coast teams is absolutely disrespectful and for the third straight time this postseason, we’re gonna have to make bookies regret it.

Fuck Vegas. Fuck their bookies. And fuck their shitty expansion team.

Stars in 6

Stars +205 vs Vegass – Bookmakers Are High for a Third Straight Series

Game 7: Stars Finally Finnish Beating That Avs

I have to give Joe Sakic credit here. He hasn’t beaten us in a Game 7 yet, but he keeps getting closer and closer each time. Back in 1999, we beat the Avs asses 4-1 in the deciding game. The next year in 2000, Ray Bourque came this close to pushing us to overtime…

Now as the Avs GM, Sakic actually did extend us all the way to OT in Game 7, and he very nearly beat us. Unfortunately for him, we had a Finnish secret weapon who scored a game winning hat trick in his second ever playoff game.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Thank god Jere Lehtinen tipped us off about this kid. Thank god Cogliano, who two years ago had the NHL iron man record, wasn’t healthy enough to play Friday.

Cogliano did serve us well before leaving, as he took out Avs defenseman Conor Timins with this hit in Game 6. It was the final bit of injury depletion that we desperately needed every single bit of.

But in Game 7, we needed the Finnish scorer more and boy did he deliver. Thank the fucking lord.


This was an emotional game for me to say the least. I started watching on my phone at a funeral and eventually found myself chain-smoking outside an OKC Hooter’s during the OT intermission.

I realized that the last time I watched an important Dallas game at Hooter’s, it was the Game 6 loss of the Mavs/Warriors we believe series. I was about to really hate the establishment of Hooter’s and I was also about to fall into a deep abyss of depression.

Thank god things turned. Who knows if I would be here writing this today otherwise. Here’s how crunch time went down…

Are. You. Fucking. KIDDING ME JAMIE BENN! Highest paid player on our team by far, and will be for a long time, and he fucking chokes for us.

Next eight minutes I think about his albatross contract and wish we had cut him the minute he scored that goal against the USA in the Sochi games.

LIFE!!! Ohhh my god praise the lord we’re alive again!



Dkjlsdalkfjapj!!! Sweet sweet Denis that was wiiiiidde open!


No funeral.


Holy shit holy shit holy shit HOLY SHIIIIIIITTT!!!! We didn’t even win the face-off and we scored TEN SECONDS LATER!




Fuuuuuuccckkk everybody!!!! Life is awesome! I love life! 


Game 7: Stars Finally Finnish Beating That Avs

Game 6: Well Uhh, Shit…

I’m at a loss of words. We are really on the verge of the worst Dallas sports meltdown since the Mavs 06 Finals. Easily one of the worst of all time.

That game 5 forfeit might just haunt us forever. Dear god am I worried.

A few notes of positivity since it’s not over yet…

1. Partying like it’s 1999 is not a complete experience without a game 7 beatdown over the Avs.

2. The Islanders and Knights both blew 3-1 leads too, so at least we’re not alone in this. If we do win today, game 1 for our conference finals opponent will likely be their third game in four days. Advantage us. (Or at a very minimum, we won’t be disadvantaged from fatigue)

3. The Avs got even more banged up. Their captain Gabe Landeskog is questionable today, as is defenseman Conor Timmins. This is on top of the Calvert, Johnson, Donskoi, Grubauer, and Francouz injuries.


So can we beat up a depleted team that’s likely starting the shitty old Leafs backup again? I certainly hope so. If not, no funeral

Please god make it something like this…

Game 6: Well Uhh, Shit…

Game 5: Stars Accidentally Forfeit for Bishop

Congratulations to the Avs for not accepting the gentleman’s sweep and extending their stay in Edmonton for a few days. The Stars have been sleepwalking since the 2nd period of Monday night, and I don’t blame them too much because why would the Avs want to keep wasting their time with this?


With the conference finals against Vegas in mind, Bowness decided to give Bishop the nod. Bishop has been ‘unfit to play’ since Game 2 against Calgary and he wasn’t even skating until yesterday.

However, we’re gonna need him against Vegas because they have two goalies in Fleury and Lehner. If/when the series has back-to-backs, the team with two goalies gets a HUGE advantage.

Even if Bishop isn’t feeling the most nimble, it’s best to get him a warmup game against Colorado instead of risking a trial by fire return against Vegas with the Campbell trophy on the line.

Unfortunately, this warmup game turned into a forfeit game…

Bishop is one of the most battle-tested playoff goalies in the league, so I am not worried about his ability to recover mentally. But Fleury’s playoff resume is right there with Bishop and then some, and he’s healthy.

We really need Bishop to get right. I hope this performance was due to rust and not injury. If so, I’m okay with this forfeit.


As for the current series, the forfeit removes any margin the Stars had sleepwalking. It also might mean some injury help for the Avs. Defenseman Erik Johnson, wingers Matt Calvert/Joonas Donskoi, and goalie Philipp Grubauer are all on the injured list. It’s a complete mystery as to when they could come back.

We cannot let them out of the grave for a Game 7. We must get back to the level we were playing at before the 2nd period of Game 4. Finish them tomorrow night and get rested for the conference finals.

Game 5: Stars Accidentally Forfeit for Bishop

Game 4: Valeri Nichushkin Gets His Participation Ribbon

After finally seeing the Avs show 3rd period life last game, the Stars flipped their script and began dominating from the start in Game 4. It was 3-0 within ten minutes and the Avs couldn’t get their first shot on goal until 1:34 left in period one.

From there, it was mostly a laugher. We did start sleepwalking at the end of the 2nd, giving up two quick goals with some lazy play that led to a 5v3.

Then Hintz did this…

Sweet Jesus. Goal of the series. He just toyed with JT Compher and then fucking RIPPED it above Francouz’s glove.

Francouz ended up getting benched and will have to go back to KHL if we wants to be good at hockey again. Other than that, much of the game was the same old, same old Stars kicking ass that I’ve been writing about this whole time.


The feel good story of the game is Valeri Nichushkin getting his participation trophy. He scored TWO goals last night. That’s two more than he scored for us all of last year!

He couldn’t even celebrate his second one because it was fluky as hell and we were killing them late, but still… Good for him.

We drafted Nichushkin 10th overall in 2013 and he found the NHL to be very challenging. Over six years, he spent half his time on the injured list or back in the KHL to be in a comfort zone. Last year, he came back stateside to give it one more shot with us, and he managed to score zero goals in 57 games.

The Avs picked him up for this season and he’s had the opportunity to skate around and participate in the NHL playoffs. I hope he’s enjoyed his time in Edmonton and will go home feeling a little bit less shitty about being the biggest bust in our franchise history.

Game 4: Valeri Nichushkin Gets His Participation Ribbon