Yesterday’s ‘Battle of LA’ was a likely preview of the next one or two WCFs, but the rest of the decade will be dominated by two rising powers that battled for the first time last Wednesday – Luka’s Mavs and Zion’s Pelicans.  Dallas drew first blood in a close overtime victory (highlights), and unfortunately for New Orleans that is probably how this rivalry will play out over the long term.

Zion is the most popular popular rookie since Lebron, but last year Luka was the best rookie since… well since ever.  He spent the first few months of this season neck and neck with Giannis for MVP, but has regressed to merely an average superstar level as of late.  2019 Luka would’ve splashed this buzzer beater last Monday and that is not a hyperbole, but he’s been a bit more human since new year.

He’s been targeted by nervous vets all year, and it seems every game there is an enforcer assigned to give him a beating.  Just last night he took a flying knee kick to the face as well as two other face punches that didn’t get called.  He’s getting pounded and it’s causing injuries and it’s bullshit, but I guess we can just deal with it for now.  After some playoff wins, the star treatment will activate and then he’s invincible from there on out.

He started the All Star Game before having his first legal drink (paid for by Mark Cuban) and is still fully ensconced as the goat-in-training.

 

The Pelicans still have a formidable icon in their own with Zion who is an absolute monster.  He has power in the post game that will be the most dominant we’ve seen since Shaq, and he is the best rebounder in the NBA already.  On defense, he is always threat to force a turnover and tally the ‘points off turnover’ column in a flash.

I don’t buy the nailbiting over his health or the new idea that big players can’t enjoy healthy careers.  Gentry may need to get some Coach O advice on keeping gumbo servings in check, but overall he is right in saying people worry about Zion “too freaking much”.  New Orleans will enjoy this Monstar for years to come.

Both teams have deep and promising supporting casts – Dallas better on offense and New Orleans better on defense.  However, the coaching disparity is huge.  Carlisle has pretty much taken the reigns from Popovich as the best coach in the league, while Gentry has done nothing of substance to warrant trust.  That‘s why I foresee Dallas becoming the new Spurs and New Orleans becoming the new Mavs.  Pelicans fans should be happy with that.

 

The war has just begun, however, and there are still some big moves coming.  Dallas will have max level cap room for basically the first time in the Cuban era along with no state income tax and the chance to rack up all your scoring stats with prime Luka.  In fact, there is a growing underground fear amongst NBA execs that Giannis is destined to end up in Dallas.

The Pelicans on the other hand are sitting on more tangible assets with the goldmine of future Lakers picks.  It will almost certainly be three straight lottery picks starting next summer or the year after, depending on how quickly it takes for the Lakers to suck.  If the balls fall right or if Gayle can pull in another favor, the Mavs might have a threat in their decade of dominance about halfway through this thing.  Until then, Luka and Carlisle all the way.

What a blessing it is to have a ticket on both wagons.

 

🚨🚨 NBA LAYUP LINE 🚨🚨

Mark Cuban was fined 500k for protesting after we got robbed in Atlanta.  He matched the fine with a 500k donation to charity.  Just a cool mill to speak up for the people.

NBA execs have discussed a new calendar with the season starting in December, which would be awesome.  But instead of shortening the season, they will have the finals in August.  No thank you.  Chill out NBA.

Spike Lee is upset about losing access to the employee entrance despite paying $300k a year in season tickets and over $10M lifetime.  Any Knicks fan who gives James Dolan that much money is a moron. 

Patrick Mahomes was at the Mavs-Pelicans game, but the most famous athlete in attendance might have been sitting in general admission

The Angels fired their visiting clubhouse manager of 30 years because he was selling a foreign substance called Go Go Juice to opposing pitchers.  It’s an odd story because how does someone work their whole life for an organization while helping out the enemy the whole time.  Was this going on for a long time, or was it a recent thing?  Either way, it’s just further proof that the Angels are a Mickey Mouse organization that Otani is a huge fucken loser for joining.

The true lead here is that the Angels had no idea this was going on until the MLB tipped them off.  How did the MLB come across this information?  They were conducting a league wide investigation on ball tampering.  Why were they doing that?  Hmm…

Take a look at this cringeworthy team site article about all the ‘analytics’ involved in increasing spin rates for every single Astros pitchers spin compared to their metrics on prior teams.  Woke baseball fans have been saying for years that the Astros were stealing signs and doctoring baseballs (aside from corporate espionage) to cheat.

Sure, almost every pitcher doctors baseballs these days and it’s probably necessary for the safety of hitters to allow this stuff in cold weather games.  However, it’s pretty obvious the Astros went much farther than the normal pine tar to fuck with their baseballs.  There is no doubt they had a propriety substance similar to this Go Go Juice, and the MLB is finally doing their part to crack down.

Why don’t they make this public like the sign stealing?  Because death penalties are bad for business and no former players have come out about this yet.  Hopefully Collin McHugh becomes the man to step up and do the right thing.  He just said he’s willing to give up his World Series ring, and that his fellow pitchers should’ve been braver and spoken out against the sins they were seeing.  Why is he of all people trashing the organization who’s ‘analytics’ salvaged his career and made him respectable for the 2017-2018 seasons only?  Your guess is as good as mine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

🚨🚨 MLB FASTBALLS 🚨🚨

Nobody has a hard on for Astros hate more than me, but this Blue Jays pitcher Reese McGuire that got caught cracking stick in the spring training parking lot might be a close second.

Speaking of the Astros, former cheater-converted-Yankee Gerrit Cole gave up back to back homers, twice, over just two innings, against the Tigers, in his latest spring training outing.

Speaking of Yankees, Goose Gossage is yelling at the clouds again.  He’s still bemoaning analytics, saying that “It’s like the Democrats are running baseball.”  I agree.  Math is for morons.

Yu Darvish caught a slight case of the coronavirus, but he’ll be fine because he’s not old enough to die from the flu yet.  Better for him to get this out of the way now and clear himself up for the inevitable Cy Young campaign.

And finally, the biggest actual baseball story of spring training was Nolan Arenado wanted a trade because the Rockies weren’t spending enough on free agents.  The Rockies have pledged over $200M to free agents over the past two seasons, and just one year ago gave Arenado a $260M guaranteed contract.  What a whiny baby this kid is.

 

 

There’s a lot of Eli Manning HOF truthers who like to say that he was never good outside those two Super Bowl years.  I don’t know what they were watching in 2008, but it sure wasn’t NFL.  The Giants were awesome that year and it was terrifying.  At Thanksgiving weekend, they were 9-1 and cruising to home field advantage when Plaxico Burress learned the hard way that sweatpant waistbands are not the safest gun holsters.

Burress spent 20 months in prison, which was unprecedented for an athlete and it was hard not to feel at least some sympathy for him.  His teammate Steve Smith had just been robbed at gunpoint three days earlier, and the gun was previously registered back in Florida (expired and out of state but still).  He was certainly no Pacman or Crittenton that’s for sure, but New Yorkers wanted to get rid of guns and he served as a powerful example to help make that happen.

Most importantly, the Giants season completely derailed after suddenly losing the best possession receiver in the league.  For that, I give eternal thanks to Mike Bloomberg.  He’s in the news lately for a political race that will cause 40-60% of the population to feel deep despair, but it is nothing like the despair of watching your rival go back to back.

 

🚨🚨 NFL EXTRA POINTS 🚨🚨

The biggest trade since Herschel Walker looks to be this brewing deal between NBC and ESPN for announcers.  The true winners of this trade are fans and society.  Spending Monday nights with Al Michaels and Peyton Manning instead of Boog is going to lift everyone’s moods, and we finally get Mike Tiri-goat back!

The NFL is going to the going to the Supreme Court to fight a very frivolous lawsuit.  Apparently some people think that $293 is a rip off for the hundreds of hours of pure bliss that Sunday Ticket provides.  What kind of psychopath likes football but doesn’t watch other teams?  Must be the russians again.

The Tom Brady to 49ers speculation has finally started.  Called it.  Garoppolo is turning into the next Matt Cassell right before our eyes and they have a $4M out on his contract.  This has been a no brainer all along.

Baker Mayfield’s offseason has barely started and it’s getting brutal – possibly more brutal than that season long ad campaign he did.  Last week, a host on the Browns flagship network called him a midget.  But that was nothing compared to a few weeks back when a woman gave a radio interview about blowing him in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot.  She provided proof in the form of dick pics as other women called in to tell similar stories like the time he cheated on his Instagram wife the first night after his honeymoon.  Our heroine signs off the interview by saying (34:30 mark) “I think he already ruined his career anyway because he sucks at football now”

As I’m sure everyone remembers, FC Dallas snuck into the playoffs last year and nearly beat eventual champion Seattle in one of the wildest MLS games of all time.  Not bad for a rebuilding year.

The 2020 season started off with a bang last week with the official signing of academy phenom Tanner Tessman.  It sounds like this kid has all the makings of a transcendent talent.  Dabo Swinney vigorously recruited him to kick for Clemson and claimed that he could start at any of the skill positions if he focused on football full time (never played before).  Most notably, he starred for our special youth squad that thrashed the USWNT back in the day.  I’m not sure the financial details of the contract, but it certainly had to be a lot considering how valuable those women were supposed to be.  Thanks Clark Hunt!

Tessmann started our opener on Saturday and performed very well, especially defensively, against the hated Philadelphia Union.  We won 2-0 off this beautiful strike from THE KOBRA.

So far so good for FC Dallas season.  Unfortunately, nobody else I know from Dallas cares about them so it’s time to make room for a new first love – Inter Miami.  Thank god I moved here before they started, because Beckham’s squad has to be the most inevitable dynasty in sports history, or at the very least Miami sports history.

Sunday’s debut was a 1-0 loss, but it was undoubtedly the biggest moral victory of my career as a sports fan.  LAFC is the best MLS team ever assembled and they had just throttled the best Mexican team in champion’s league.  If you listened to the ESPN announcers, LAFC are as good as Liverpool (I’m not kidding they said that).

We didn’t start our best players, opting for experience over potential in a game that was sure to produce jitters, and yet our veteran backups held their own against western hemisphere’s Liverpool.  They even had a chance on a last second set piece to equalize.  Incredible debut!

Our goalie and captain, Luis Robles, is no doubt the best in the league.  He was an absolute brick wall and stopped everything except for this magic trick by Carlos Vela.

 

 

🚨🚨 MLS QUICK HITS 🚨🚨

Atlanta United lost Josef Martinez to a torn ACL and their run is over.  Too bad.  It looks like their opponent, Nashville SC, is taking over as the new cool team of the south.

San Jose Earthquakes fans un-ironically shed tears over Chris Wondolowski’s final season opener.  This is why they’re America’s least favorite team.  Go move to Belgium already.

Montreal Impact is now my Canadian team after signing Victor Wanyama.  They have the easiest champions league draw against some shitty Honduran team (Olimpia) in the quarters.  Go ahead and bet on them, watch this clip, and start dreaming of how you’ll spend your winnings.

Hero 😇 😇