Rejoice, fellow Rangers fans! Finally, that sack of shit Sam Dyson has been canned. It couldn’t have come soon enough. Apparently he was weeping as he cleaned out his locker, but you won’t find one shred of pity coming from me.
Never in my life as a baseball fan have I seen someone singlehandedly implode a season the way Dyson has. On opening night, he came on in the 9th and got shelled for three runs to ruin the game. In the three subsequent save opportunities he had, he went out and blew all three saves. Two of them were with three run leads and the other with two.
We finally demoted him once his ERA ballooned to 27.00(!), and then he started ruining games for us as a middle reliever. On May 7, he blew open a 3-0 lead at Seattle. Last Wednesday, we were on our way to beating Chris Sale in Fenway until he got the nod with a 3-1 lead in the 7th – 4 hits, 3 walks, 5 runs, 0 outs…
Jesus christ he fucken sucks so god damned much. Any time I saw him warm up in the bullpen, I developed this feeling of despair akin to the morning after a night of meth-laced drugs. They say we’re trying to trade him, but at this point he is more worthless than the bag of bats that minor leaguer once got traded for. The way Dyson fucked our season up, I honestly wouldn’t feel bad if he OD’d just like that bat kid as well.
With a third of the season gone and over 20% of our losses solely attributed to Sam Dyson sucking dick, it feels good to finally turn the page for good and start enjoying some winning. Tonight, the Astros are rolling into town with all their springtime champion smug. It’s time to do what we always do to these cocky little shits – beat them down like the bitches they are. The series odds have us at +150 and I can’t conceive of an easier way to pay for your weekend shenanigans. Darvish vs Keuchel game 1. Let’s fucken go!
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