Ohtani Is a Pussy and Signs with Angels

Otani became the first person ever to voluntarily move to Anaheim last week.  Its a crushing blow to Ranger nation.  Despite what most baseball fans assumed, we were a strong favorite to land this kid.

We’ve had a strong relationship with Nippon Ham ever since the Darvish signing.  We tried to sign him out of high school six years ago, and our assistant GM has taken point on building a strong relationship since that time.  And just to be safe, we finagled our way into having the highest international cap just for Otani’s contract.  I thought Japanese people valued loyalty, but I guess some of them value Disneyland more.

To be honest, I was starting to get sketched out when he turned away the Yankees so quickly.  He also might kind of suck at hitting in the MLB.  But an ace pitcher for practically no money is the game changer we needed to right this ship.  

We were also legit setting up a six man rotation for Otani, and that’s what I was most intrigued about.  Darvish had been calling for the MLB to do this for years, as that’s how they roll in Japan.  I understand why GMs have been so averse to the idea – its risky as hell – but I really want the Rangers to be the first to try.  Pitching arms seem as fragile as NFL players these days, and a six man rotation could be the solution we’re looking for.

Otani would’ve been perfect to headline a six man rotation because he could be an extra hitter without taking a roster spot, but he punked out on us.  I still think we should pursue this.  Arrieta could be dope.  And even though I compared him to an ex-girlfriend with AIDS last month, I’d be down to go after Darvish again to.  Let’s fucken do this.

For the Angels, this makes them closer to legit contention than a lot of people realize.  They were one game out of the wildcard in mid September despite a slow start and a long Trout injury.  Their bullpen, especially Keynan Middleton, is low key awesome.  Their defense is top notch.  If they sideline Pujols like they did Josh Hamilton, their offense could mash.  Their only problem is depth and no prospects to trade with.  We’ll see how it works out for them.

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Ohtani Is a Pussy and Signs with Angels

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