World Progress Through Football – Time for America to Show Our Humanitarian Spirit

England goalkeeper Robert Green, center, reacts on the ground after United States' Clint Dempsey, not seen, scored a goal during the World Cup group C soccer match between England and the United States at Royal Bafokeng Stadium in Rustenburg, South Africa, on Saturday, June 12, 2010. (AP Photo/Eugene Hoshiko)
Speaking of the UK, remember this?  Lol

An NFL franchise in London is becoming closer and closer to reality.  Earlier this week, Jets and Dolphins owners Woody Johnson and Stephen Ross met with British treasury chief George Osbourne this week to discuss future plans of a relocation and next steps regarding any financial and tax related barriers.  The consensus from both sides was that a London-based team would come into existence within an ideal time of 5-6 years.

I understand that most Amurrican fans would react with a big ‘FUCK THAT!’ to this news, but I say chill the fuck out.  Just because we have better sports and athletes doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t ever express our dominance overseas.  In addition, this is an invaluable opportunity for America to attain some much needed international goodwill by teaching others about our superior athletic customs.  For example…

1. Steroids

All those smug little Euros think they’re hot shit with the sport of rugby because they “don’t need pads”, but they’ll get their comeuppance when they see just how big and fast our athletes are and how hard they can hit.  I can just imagine their reactions…  “Blimey!  How is it even possible to create such a human beast!?”  Well buddy, we’re not pussies about steroids over here, and that makes our players awesome.

2. Overtime

Sports is supposed to be all about competition, and what kind of competition ends in a tie?  Europeans have sports that regularly end in ‘draws’, and they’ll quickly realize the errors of their ways when they learn about this novel concept we have called ‘overtime’.

3. College Sports

Europeans develop their athletes in boring ass youth academies.  By learning about football, they might get bright enough to develop their athletes through a badass collegiate sporting structure full of tailgate blackout parties and smoking hot slampieces all throughout the stands.

4. Trash Talk

As a former scrub high school athlete, I can assure you there is nothing more intimidating in sports than a black counterpart with superior athletic ability getting into your head with fierce African-American trash talk.  Unfortunately, Europeans don’t get to witness any of this.  In fact, if you are a soccer player and you score a goal against your former team, you’re not allowed to celebrate.  The fuck is that shit?  By the end of their first NFL season, Londoners will finally realize that what they’ve been calling ‘poor sportsmanship’ has actually just been great ‘attitude and leadership’.  Within a year after that, Mario Balotelli will be back tearing up the EPL without all the haters weighing him down.

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Now, many might view these takes of mine as xenophobic.  To that I say chill the fuck out.  As much as I love all of the things that make America superior to the rest of the world, I also understand that there are many things that we could learn from Europeans…

1. No More Commercials

Fuck commercials.  For everything else on TV, sitting through commercial breaks is only for the poors that can’t afford HBO or DVRs.  With American sports, however, you have to sit there like a fucking low class dreg every ten minutes and listen to some god damn spiel about DraftKings.  Europeans, to their credit, don’t put up with that shit.  Hopefully that cultural norm of theirs finally diffuses its way back stateside.

2. Hooliganism

Enough said.

3. No Player Interviews

In soccer, only coaches give interviews after the games and not players.  It’s a much better system.  Seriously, imagine a world in which you could scan internet articles or flip on SportsCenter after a big game and not get force fed a bunch of bullshit comments from LeBron James.  I know my blood would be boiling on a much less regular basis.

3. The Metric System

The metric system is fucking retarded for temperature.  For volume, its similar enough to ours that I don’t give a shit about having a preference between the two.  For distance, however, football might be better off with a conversion.  The field size and first down length would increase by about 10%.  This would be a great solution to help prevent all these new spread tactics from making defense obsolete.  Field goals would become valuable and important again.  And coffin corner punting might make a comeback!  Actually, nah, I know what you’re thinking and you’re right.  Fuck it.

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World Progress Through Football – Time for America to Show Our Humanitarian Spirit

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