Johnny Football Is Drinking His Way out of Cleveland Because He Gets It

You know that feeling when a franchise quarterback falls all the way to the middle of the first round and that mediocre 8-8 football team you love has a chance to steal him, but they pass on him for some guard you’ve never heard of?  It sucks…

Everybody says drafting Zack Martin was the right thing to do for the franchise even though we’ve only been .500 over the past two years and are still stuck with a dinosaur at quarterback…  Needless to say, I am fucking stoked about all the latest news regarding Johnny Manziel coming to America’s Team.

The general rule of thumb for young adults is that you’ll be happy as long as you either love your job or love the city you live in.  Well, Johnny Football’s employers suck and his city sucks even worse.  If you don’t realize that all these off field ‘incidents’ are a ploy to finally free himself from the Factory of Sadness, you’re being naive.

Some people say that Manziel is clearly an alcoholic and you can’t trust an alcoholic.  What?  Fuck that.  So many athletes are alcoholics…  Every single baseball player that’s ever lived, half of the NBA, I’m sure all of the NHL, and even some hall of fame quarterbacks like Joe Namath, Brett Favre, and Ben Roethlisberger are all alcoholics.  Almost every corporate executive I know of is an alcoholic.  Who gives a fuck about ‘alcoholism’ as long as you can perform?

True story: I used to travel all the time for my job, and one time my team had a long layover so we all went to the lounge.  When it was time to board, a bunch of my colleagues left with their wine glasses still half full, and I was buzzed enough to think it was a great idea to chug every one of them before leaving in order to prevent any ‘alcohol abuse’ from occurring.  That’s when I realized I was no doubt an alcoholic myself.  Did I care?  Fuck no.  My boss didn’t care either because I got shit done for her.

Yes, Johnny Football’s performance in Cleveland has been spotty, but it’s clear that the talent is there.  It’s easy to conceive that once he realizes how much better life in Dallas is compared to College Station and Cleveland, the ensuing elation will lead him to translate all of his previous degenerative alcoholism into high-functioning alcoholism.

#4 draft pick and the future franchise quarterback coming our way for cheap?  The sports gods are smiling upon me today, and it feels good!

Johnny Football Is Drinking His Way out of Cleveland Because He Gets It