As I’m sure everyone remembers, FC Dallas snuck into the playoffs last year and nearly beat eventual champion Seattle in one of the wildest MLS games of all time. Not bad for a rebuilding year.
The 2020 season started off with a bang last week with the official signing of academy phenom Tanner Tessman. It sounds like this kid has all the makings of a transcendent talent. Dabo Swinney vigorously recruited him to kick for Clemson and claimed that he could start at any of the skill positions if he focused on football full time (never played before). Most notably, he starred for our special youth squad that thrashed the USWNT back in the day. I’m not sure the financial details of the contract, but it certainly had to be a lot considering how valuable those women were supposed to be. Thanks Clark Hunt!
Tessmann started our opener on Saturday and performed very well, especially defensively, against the hated Philadelphia Union. We won 2-0 off this beautiful strike from THE KOBRA.
So far so good for FC Dallas season. Unfortunately, nobody else I know from Dallas cares about them so it’s time to make room for a new first love – Inter Miami. Thank god I moved here before they started, because Beckham’s squad has to be the most inevitable dynasty in sports history, or at the very least Miami sports history.
Sunday’s debut was a 1-0 loss, but it was undoubtedly the biggest moral victory of my career as a sports fan. LAFC is the best MLS team ever assembled and they had just throttled the best Mexican team in champion’s league. If you listened to the ESPN announcers, LAFC are as good as Liverpool (I’m not kidding they said that).
We didn’t start our best players, opting for experience over potential in a game that was sure to produce jitters, and yet our veteran backups held their own against western hemisphere’s Liverpool. They even had a chance on a last second set piece to equalize. Incredible debut!
Our goalie and captain, Luis Robles, is no doubt the best in the league. He was an absolute brick wall and stopped everything except for this magic trick by Carlos Vela.
🚨🚨 MLS QUICK HITS 🚨🚨
Atlanta United lost Josef Martinez to a torn ACL and their run is over. Too bad. It looks like their opponent, Nashville SC, is taking over as the new cool team of the south.
San Jose Earthquakes fans un-ironically shed tears over Chris Wondolowski’s final season opener. This is why they’re America’s least favorite team. Go move to Belgium already.
Montreal Impact is now my Canadian team after signing Victor Wanyama. They have the easiest champions league draw against some shitty Honduran team (Olimpia) in the quarters. Go ahead and bet on them, watch this clip, and start dreaming of how you’ll spend your winnings.
Hero 😇 😇