How Will Bubble Celibacy Alter the NBA Playoffs?

If you’re part of the 60% that believes in science these days, then you should feel good about the prospects for the NBA bubble.  According to experts, the only risk is that the measures are too stringent and exhaustive – it’s gotta be a beating to relocate from a mansion to a hotel room for three months.  There’s also the very valid concern that players will become overly horny…

The physical effects of celibacy for athletes is up to debate.  Italy’s manager in the 1990 World Cup was the first famous instance of mandatory abstinence, and they got third place.  Tyson Fury abstained for 12 weeks leading up to his first Wilder fight, which ended in a draw.  For the rematch, he jacked off seven times a day and ended up dominating the fight, but that also might be due to his daily cunnilingus routine to strengthen his neck.  Inter Milan manager Antonio Conte advises a compromise stance of having a lot of low-effort sex, but they’ve ended up as trash this year.

While the physical effects are inconclusive, the mental effects will undoubtedly take a toll on many players.  These guys have had pussy on demand since middle school.  Now, they’ll have to go at least one month before family and partners can join the bubble.  Even after that, mental health probably won’t improve as anyone who has spent quarantine with a female chaperone can attest.

So which team will benefit the most from this new mental health playing field?  The obvious answer is the Dallas Mavericks.  KP got extorted by a crazy bitch last year, so he’s probably less interested in random strange than he used to be.  Luka comes from a place where the average woman is a dime in America, and the American dimes just remind him of his mom.  So he’ll probably be used to the feeling anyway.

I think it’s safe to say that our Euro squad has never felt a boner for an American stripper.  Their horniness level will be on par with the Redeem Team walking the streets of Beijing – that is, none.  Huge advantage for the Mavs.

Even before this crisis hit, I was confident in our chances against any team except the Clippers.  Now, that confidence is through the roof.  Luka was getting the shit beaten out of him all season long with the refs apparently putting him through a hazing period, and now he is fresh.  In fact, because Luka and KP were able to gtfo of America for all this, they’ve had access to better workouts and are currently the most fit players in the league (source: Cubes radio interview).

Our defense Moses, Avery Johnson, makes a lot of astute basketball points as well…

A healthy KP brick walls the rim.  A healthy Luka means a historically great offense.  Carlisle the GOAT-in-training.  Seth Curry hitting 45% from three, plus a bunch of other shooters. Etc. Etc. We are fucking awesome.

Mavs +4000 but the line won’t be there for long.  Hammer it now and get rich.

PS – Obligatory…