For the first time ever in my whole life, I feel jealousy towards a Cubs fan.  It has nothing to do with their overrated team that can’t hit power pitching for shit. No, I’m jealous of this lucky dude that got a perfect view of Sam Ryan’s ass tonight…

I admit hooking up with Sam Ryan would be pretty fucking dope, but she actually does not crack #1 on my fantasy list.  That honor goes to MLB Network’s Heidi Watney…

Sweet jesus.  She’s had me so fucking smitten all season.

Not only is Heidi just straight up more attractive, but I also prefer my ambitious girls to be blonde instead of brunette.  Don’t get me wrong, brunettes are awesome and most of them are more dateable than the average blonde, but shit changes when we filter down to just the fierce, career-driven women.

Most working blondes tend to be really fun to hang out with outside of their jobs.  Brunettes, on the other hand, tend to be a lot more serious in the office and carry all their work shit over to personal lives.  They’re still cool, but not as fun as the ambitious blondes…

My personal hypothesis is that brunettes become ultra competitive after ending up in 2nd place on all of their adolescent crushes’ hotness rankings.  And that competitive fire has a big impact on their yuppie lifestyles.  And hey that’s still really hot for some people, but not my own personal first preference.

PS – how did that hag in the front row in the video get such a nice seat?  While we’re at it we might as well give away some outfield tickets to the ugliest fans of the year.