Rangers Are in Playoff Position Because the Angels Really Fucking Suck

After sweeping those sad sack Angels over the weekend, look what we have here…

We had the worst start to the season imaginable and yet are sitting in playoff position with the Mariners at home on deck. The lottery ticket futures are still alive. We have some meaningful Rangers baseball in August ladies and gentlemen!

Our grittiest win came on Saturday – two run shot by God Gallo to win a 2-0 shutout. Our boy Kolby Allard went 5 innings for two hits, one walk, and six strikeouts. He’s at a 1.00 ERA through two starts now. Once again it’s looking more like we won a prettyyy pretty decent trade rape.

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On the other side of the token we have the Angels. Wooooof.

Anthony Rendon, their new seven year $245M man, is on a hitless streak of 28 plate appearances and counting. He’s holding a steady .103 average overall. So glad we didn’t sign him.

Joe Maddon is as overrated as ever. Pujols is still on the payroll. Mike Trout seems to be handling his new fatherhood the same way Serena handled new motherhood – just kidding he’s actually still good. Everyone else around him though? Trash like always and it’s awesome.

The best/worst part of this dumpster fire is none other than our little friend, that traitorous scumbag Shohei Ohtani. He’s done pitching this year after racking up a 37.80 ERA over two starts. Those two starts lasted 1.2 innings total. He couldn’t hit 90 with his fastball because his elbow is permanently damaged, so he might actually be done pitching for good.

As for hitting, Ohtani has a .171 batting average and is striking out on 36.5% of his at bats. Sick.

God it must suck to be an Angels fan. They will never recover from that Hamilton contract. Ever.

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However, yes I will admit this one thing about the Angels… Since divisional realignment in 1994, they are the only team from the AL West to win a World Series. 2002 – what a wack ass year for sports with the Angels and the Bucs both getting those anomaly titles. But nonetheless that is more than any other team in our division can say. Respect.