The Phillies Will Never Stop Sucking

The Phillies just hired some dude named Andy MacPhail to be their new president starting next season.  Besides having the perfect last name for an executive in Philly, he sports a resume that looks surprisingly legit…

-Twins GM from 1985-1994: built a badass team anchored by Kirby Puckett and Chuck Knoblauch that won two World Series

-Cubs GM from 1995-2006: made the Cubs not suck for the first time in nearly 100 years, then Bartman happened, then Mark Prior fell apart, and then the Cubs went back to sucking but still it was pretty impressive they ever got good in the first place

-Orioles President of Baseball Operations from 2007-2011: also built up a good team that is still very competitive today largely as a result of his contributions.

So the Phillies are about to get good again, right?  Nah…  Let’s take a look at a couple of quotes from his press conference…

I’m a little bit surprised you hired me because I’ve been out for three years, but grateful anyway.

Eh… Not a good start Philly.  The real bombshell, however, came when asked who will have final say on trades…

That’s up to Ruben Amaro and (current president) Pat Gillick), but I will add my opinion.

Whattt??  You mean he’s been with the organization for half a day now, and not only does Ruben Amaro still have a job, but he’s still running the trades?  That settles it.  This new dude doesn’t give a fuck.  The Phillies are going to stay terrible.

I shouldn’t even need to write it up.  Ruben Amaro is by far the worst GM in all of sports.  The Phillies are on pace to win less than 60 games this year.  They’ve been terrible the last two years.  And yet, Amaro still treats this team like it’s the World Series contender he inherited.  He never traded Cliff Lee, and now the team is paying $25M per year to a pitcher who might never play again.  He’s still hoarding Cole Hamels, who’s now starting to get lit up and already has two DL stints on the season to help his value plummet.  He also seems content to get nothing for Utley, Howard, and Papelbon while they suck the team’s finances dry.  Just a god awful exec.  If he still has a job, there is no reason for optimism over any other moves the Phillies make.  That city just has to resign themselves to the fact that their only chance of sports happiness this year rests on the shoulders (and creaky knees) of Sam Bradford.  Lol.

Some other baseball nuggets…

The Indians Also Suck, but May Still Be a Good Bet

What the hell is going on with the Indians this year?  Their rotation is easily the best top-to-bottom group starting fives in the majors.  They have some really good bats in Kipnis, Bourn, and Brantley.  They have a legendary manager.  And yet, they still lose all the fucking time.  They just don’t seem to ever care.  They were shut out in two games of a doubleheader yesterday, and their lack of focus was perfectly encapsulated by this error from Kipnis…

Horrible.  That two out error sparked a two run rally that eventually turned into a full fledged blowout.  I actually feel really sorry for the Indians pitcher here (Toru Murata).  He was called up for the doubleheader to keep the rest of the rotation on normal rest, and was making his major league debut at the ripe old age of 30.  3.1 innings and six runs later, it looks like his dream is already coming to an end.  Too bad for that dude…

All that being said, I still think the Indians at 33:1 are among the best value plays for World Series futures.  They were also playing terrible baseball at this time last year, and they still have a plethora of aces in their rotation they can ride.  Also, the entire American League sucks so they still have a legit path.  At 33:1, all they have to do is make the wild card play in game and you’d be able to start hedging the bet and guaranteeing profit.

My other value picks right now are the red hot A’s (50:1) and the Orioles (20:1) who just took over first in the god awful AL East.

It sucks that we lost out on what would’ve been an epic Brazil-Argentina match, but these semifinals are still going to be sick to watch.  If there’s a soccer bar in your area, do yourself favor and go there to watch one of the games.  I went to a bar in Houston last Friday that was packed with Columbia fans, and it was a sick experience…

As for picks, it will absolutely be Chile and Argentina in the finals, but the odds on both games are so steep that they’re not really worth gambling on.  Instead, now is a good time to place a hefty futures bet and earn yourself an extra paycheck for the summer.

Put the money on Chile at +140.  They’re the host nation, they have the deepest roster, and they’ve been dominating throughout the tournament.  I know ESPN’s SPI is not a foolproof indicator by any means, but just look at this…

Chile gets almost twice the chance of winning as Argentina, but they are still the underdogs.  I’ve never seen such a disparity between Vegas and these types of metrics before.  How does that happen?  The Messi-ah.  He is so good.  It’s like betting against Lebron; you can take a team that’s clearly better but this one player for the opponent is still going to give you worries at night.  Still, Argentina’s been far from impressive throughout the tourney.  They struggled throughout the entire group stage and were hanging by a thread during PKs against Columbia.  They shouldn’t be favorites.

The biggest risk with Chile right now is their starting centerback, Gonzalo Jara, is suspended for the rest of the tourney after sticking his fingers up Cavani’s butt and then flopping from the retaliation to draw the Uruguayan a red card.  This sucks for Chile because he was one of their better defenders, but they are supposed to have an adequate replacement in a reserve named Jorge Rojas who is a natural center defender.  After Rojas, however, the team is spread very thin and cannot afford injuries or card trouble.  That’s not enough to sway us from betting them, though, and they still have Sanchez and Vidal anchoring the attack.  And they’re at home.  They’re going to win.  Profit off of them.  (if you want to follow me in terms of units, put 20x your typical baseball bet)

While we’re at it, I might as well rattle off the baseball picks I like for tonight.

Red Sox (+110) at Blue Jays (-120), Over 8.5 runs (-120)

Twins (+147) at Reds (-167)

Rockies (+160) at Athletics (-175)

Dodgers (-158) at Diamondbacks (+143)

Brewers (-157) at Phillies (+142)

If you’ve been following my soccer picks so far your bookie must be pissed cuz they are fiirrree 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Three for three on the quarterfinals so far. Pay the rest of your bills with this pick for the 4th and final game of the round before the start of a semifinals round that looks to be the tits.

Conservative play here – take Brazil on the two way moneyline (-350) to move on and play Argentina. There’s been a lot of upsets this tourney and yes brazil is without Neymar, but they still have a ton of talent without him and they showed against Venezuela last game that they’re not gonna clam up and repeat the national humiliation that was the World Cup semi against Germany. Also if this game goes to penalty kicks, they have the experience of being clutch in the shootout against chile last summer and the moment will also just be too big for Paraguay.

Dirk who?  With the 52^nd pick in the NBA draft last night, the Mavs just assured themselves a handful of future titles by selecting 7’2”, 300lb Satnam Singh.  This dude is the truth!  He comes from a tiny farming village of less than 1,000 people in India, and had been training with IMG academy in the US since he was 15.  Of course he’s gonna be able to rebound and block a ton of shots with ease, but can he shoot?  Uhhh, yeah…

He’s only 19 too.  He’s going to dominate the NBA for years to come.  I honestly don’t understand how he wasn’t the #1 pick.  Seriously, he’s a monster!!  Look at him in this IMG video below, complete with his Dikembe Mutumbo monster voice and all…

Mark Cuban has to be thrilled right now.  Not only is he primed to have more championship rings than Phil Jackson, he just made 1.2 billion brand new Mavericks fans.  Singh will be worth way more in terms of branding than Yao Ming ever was.

Sure, all of the Chinese loved the Rockets for the first few years of Yao Ming, but most of them eventually switched to being Lakers fans (and then to Heat fans, and now probably Warriors fans).  In general, the fans over there tend to be front runners.  Can you blame them?  The only other professional sport they followed before basketball was soccer, and you’ll get real miserable real fast as a soccer fan if you don’t learn to embrace front running.

In India, it’s a completely different story.  They’ve been following other sports for decades.  They’re going to be loyal to Dallas forever.  Also, there are plenty of other Chinese basketball players that have played in the NBA.  There’s only one Indian.  It’s a lock – the Mavs fan base is now bigger than that of other team in the NBA combined.  Suck on that Lakers and Knicks!!  In the slim chance Satnam Singh actually needs good teammates around him to win his ten rings, Mark Cuban’s pockets will be so deep with new cash that the luxury tax won’t be a thing for Dallas.

Sorry rest of the NBA.  You’re doomed.

I was having a nice, relaxing summer night last night, just drinking some beer and watching the end of the Pirates-Reds game on MLB Network, and then this beast pops up on the TV…

Sheez…  I’m not even sure the Jack Black character in Shallow Hal would’ve likened up to this creature.  If you take a look at the still shot, you can see everybody in her section is either looking on in disgust or laughing at her.  It’s quite comical.  Her shirt says ‘We Are Family’.  She must love the Buccos family, because I’m guessing her own family disowned her.

What was ROOT Sports even thinking panning the camera at her?  Whatever happened to the tried and true formula of only showing hot girls or cute kids at baseball games?  The only theory that makes sense to me is that she is one of the most frequent customers of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, which is a major sponsor for the Pirates.

If you’ve been following my picks lately, they’ve been fire.  Pick these teams today to keep getting richer…

COPA AMERICA: Columbia +0.5 (-102) vs Argentina (Columbia three way ML: +395)

Argentina is the favorite to win the tournament because of Lionel Messiah, but they’ve been anything but impressive so far.  In their last game, they struggled mightily to eke out a 1-0 win against Jamaica.  They’ve also had a lot of internal turmoil.  Their brand new coach was fired from Barcelona just last year, partly because of tensions he had with Messi.  I expect him to be fired shortly after this game for the same reasons.

Columbia has had struggles of their own, but they are a much more talented all around team than Argentina.  We’re definitely going with Columbia tonight.  Remember, do 5x your standard baseball unit for these soccer games.  Put four of those units on the spread with Columbia getting an extra half point.  Then, put the other on Columbia winning outright on the three way moneyline at +395.

Now on to baseball…

Braves (+185) at Pirates (-210)

Take Liriano at home against an awful road team.

Nationals (-220) at Phillies (+190)

Scherzer against the Phillies?  Yes please.

White Sox (+142) at Tigers (-157)

The White Sox blow and the Tigers don’t.  Also, Sanchez has been hot lately and the Tigers own Quintana.

Indians (-101) at Orioles (-109)

Tough game to predict here, but I’ll take Kluber at this price any day.

Reds (-119) at Mets (+109)

Thor has slowed down a lot since his red hot start in the majors.  Cueto returns for the Reds.  Take Cincy.

Dodgers (-123) at Marlins (+113)

Nicolino was awesome for the Marlins in his debut last week.  Take him at plus money for the Marlins, who are one of the most underrated home teams in the majors.

Red Sox (+106) at Rays (-116) [3x units]

How the fuck are the Rays only at -116 at home against this god awful Red Sox team?  Take the Rays at 3x units.

Twins (+107) at Brewers (-117)

Take the Twins at plus money against this terrible Milwaukee team with a struggling Lohse on the mound.

Royals (+113) at Athletics (-123)

The Athletics have been hot lately and trot out one of the best #2s in the big leagues in Jesse Hahn tonight.  The Royals have been slumping.

Diamondbacks (+134) at Padres (-144)

Take the Diamondbacks and their rookie phenom Robbie Ray against one of the most disappointing teams in the majors tonight.

Rockies (+120) at Giants (-130) [3x units]

Fade the Rockies on the road in a hitters park against one of the best teams in baseball.  Easy.  Put down 3x units for this.

The juiciest sports chatter of the day has to be that superstar QB Aaron Rodgers’s relationship with sex symbol Olivia Munn is ‘on the rocks’.  For those of you who are new to sports gossip, the reason this is interesting to talk about is because Aaron Rodgers most likely never loved Olivia Munn in the first place.  Because he’s not into women.

While it’s not 100% proven that Aaron Rodgers is gay, there are still many stone cold facts that lead any reasonably intelligent human to believe he is.  Let’s quickly review everything we learned in 2013…

• Rodgers had an openly gay roommate for several years

• His relationship with this roommate was more than the typical ‘close friendship’ (for example, he was the first person Rodgers sought out and hugged after winning the Super Bowl)

• This roommate moved back to California in the summer of 2013, told everyone he had just gone through a rough breakup, and sent cryptic tweets to Rodgers, mentioning that “Silence always comes with an expiration date…”

• Sources claimed that their breakup was precipitated by Rodgers backing out of a planned NFL outing that summer.

Rodgers denies everything, but that could also mean he’s just like the hundreds of other gay professional athletes that opt to stay in the closet rather than have their private lives under the extreme scrutiny of the insufferable masses across America.  With what we absolutely do know right now, I think it’s safe to say that it’s ‘more probable than not’ that…

Some people may wonder, if the rumors are true, what could Munn possibly have to gain from being Aaron Rodgers’s beard.  That’s a valid question.  I don’t know much about Munn myself, but one of my ex-girlfriends who is a huge Packers fan says that she is really into experimental sex and dating someone like Rodgers makes it easy for her to get double teamed and have a lot of group sex.  That makes sense.  Oh yeah and obviously there is the insane amount of branding opportunities this gives her.  That’s pretty clutch for a C-List actress…

Now let me be clear.  I have no beefs with what Rodgers decides to do in his private life.  It’s 2015; acceptance is in and bashing is out.  Does that mean we’re gonna refrain from gossiping about the best quarterback in the NFL?  Fuck no.

So on to the latest news…  After one year of dating, it looks like the two have had “too many fights to count”, and that Munn “freaks out and flies off the handle for no reason and gets really jealous.”  Yikes.  Even if Rodgers was really into Munn (which he could possibly be, but we’re assuming he’s not…), that spells breakup all over it.  Also, apparently Munn made Rodgers come visit her on set of X-Men: Apocalypse.  Bad move Olivia…  Your boyfriend is a superstar quarterback.  You can’t tell him what to do.  Unless she has some dynamite blackmail material, it looks like she’s well on her way back to irrelevance.  What a blown opportunity…

By the way, I don’t want to get into the habit of bringing up Deadspin on every single post, but I do need to point out how much of a pussy Tim Marchman was in his coverage of the Rodgers outing.  Really?  He said on a radio show that he’s not gay so therefore it’s definitely not true?  God what a chickenshit take.  That’s like a reporter in the 90s saying Bill Clinton never had any side pieces because that’s what he said in a nation address.  Also, it’s quite ironic that Marchman made that post on New Year’s Eve of 2013.  Yeah, Deadspin thinks it’s inappropriate to gossip about Aaron Rodgers in the same year that they had no problem with ruining Manti Te’o’s life…  Fuck them.

PS – Did anybody catch this tweet from Rodgers’s (alleged) ex-boyfriend after the NFC Championship game last January?

Boom roasted.

PPS – Now that Rodgers is supposed to have more control over play calling this year, do you think we’re gonna see a lot less shotgun and more plays from under center?  Just curious.

You know how Larry David feels about daytime sex?  Well that’s almost the same way I feel about daytime gambling.  Nothing like some good wins while the sun is still up to put some pep in your step for the rest of the day…  Hopefully you followed my picks yesterday because they were fire.  Over 7.5 units won, and would’ve been a lot more without three soul crushing extra-inning defeats.  On to today’s picks…

COPA AMERICA: Peru (-120) vs Bolivia (+350), draw (+230)

Gotta take Peru here.  They’ve been one of the biggest surprises of the tournament, holding their own and winning 2nd in the hardest group.  They would’ve gone unbeaten in group stage if it weren’t for a heroic Neymar injury time goal in the first game.  Bolivia is probably the worst team in the knockout round.  They’re in because of a victory over mighty Ecuador that would’ve been a draw if it weren’t for a missed PK.  They also just got shellacked 5-0 by Chile in their last game.  The dream ends tonight for them.  Remember, 5x units for these games as they’re only once per night.

Now baseball…

White Sox (+158) at Tigers (-173)

I hate this line but fuck the White Sox.  They are terrible and the Tigers are good right now.

Orioles (+117) at Red Sox (-127)

The only time Boston is possibly a good bet is when Eduardo Rodriguez pitches for them, which he’s doing this afternoon, but Boston’s still gotta be concerned with losing a third of their lineup last night.

Athletics (-138) at Rangers (+128)

Colby Lewis doesn’t have the greatest stuff at his old age, but he’s still great at cranking out wins for Texas when they need them the most.  Take him with plus money to salvage a series sweep at home.

Mets (-120) at Brewers (+110)

Take deGrom to prevent a sweep at the hands of the second worst team in baseball.

Dodgers (+130) at Cubs (-140)

They can keep pricing Lester like an ace, but it’s been about a full year now since he’s shown us anything above #2 quality pitching.  The Dodgers clinch a series split here.

Diamondbacks (-102) at Rockies (-108)

Take the Rockies at home in a day game, and over 10.5 runs (-110).

Braves (+135) at Nationals (-150)

After another extra inning loss to Washington last night, are the Braves ever going to stop getting their souls crushed by this team?  Yes, and hopefully today with their young phenom Wisler on the mound.

Reds (+145) at Pirates (-160)

Taking A.J. Burnett against the Reds and their garbage veteran DeSclafani.

Cardinals (-115) at Marlins (+105)

As much as I hate the Cards, its rarely prudent to bet against them.

Yankees (+142) at Astros (-157)

Dallas Keuchel pitching for Houston.  The Yankees are throwing out Adam Warren, the righty arm that can sometimes be troubling for the Astros.  Also take Under 7 runs (+115).

Last night, Deadspin soccer writer Billy Haisley was drooling over a goal that Japan’s Mizuho Sakaguchi scored in the Women’s World Cup.  He posted the following video and said “this is just, wow.”

Eh…  It was okay.  I mean, the strike was kind of cool I guess.  But Sakaguchi was still wide open at the top of the box with plenty of time to tee up a shot.  It definitely doesn’t scream out “this is just, wow.”  If that’s the best the Women’s World Cup has to offer, consider me unimpressed.

I really don’t understand why Billy and his Deadpsin colleagues are trying so hard to make this tournament a big deal.  I get the whole ‘taking pride in your country’ aspect of it.  That’s legit.  However, if you want to support soccer in your country, you should have a tiny bit of love for your nation’s domestic league.  And this leads me to the crux of my confusion.  Deadspin wants to build up this tournament as some great sporting spectacle we should all be in awe of.  They say it’s great soccer.  Yet, at the same time, they (and Billy especially) say the MLS sucks.

One of their favorite tags is a series of posts where they ridicule the quality of play in the MLS and go to whatever lengths they can to tarnish the reputation of the league.  Now, if that Japan goal above is really the best the WWC has to offer, and Deadspin claims the MLS is lot worse to watch, then MLS highlights must really blow…  To confirm this, I went ahead and googled last week’s MLS Goal of the Week.  I’m really glad I did, because this is the gem that came up…

Holy shit.  That was actually pretty fucking awesome!  This dude shoots from the same spot as the Japanese woman, but he’s closely guarded, and strikes with twice as much power from a volley.  Damn…

I guess that settles it.  Billy Haisley either has a fetish that makes him think Japanese women’s soccer players are way better than they actually are, or he doesn’t know what good soccer is.  Or maybe there’s a third possibility?  Maybe he is just really entertained by poor quality soccer.  If so, he must’ve loved these lowlights from the game last night…