So RG3 wants to come back to Dallas, huh?  Fuck that.  If he comes back here, I will seriously ponder joining my former friends who pretended to disown the Cowboys when we signed Greg Hardy.

No football season has caused me bigger headaches and made me tune out more than his 2012 rookie year…  The way the media hyped him up was absolutely sickening.  It’s not completely his fault they anointed him as a Black Jesus over a few cool highlight runs, but boy did he soak that spotlight up.  So much so that when his coach wanted to progress him out of running the read option every other play before teams learned how to stop it, he became too cool to listen.

Everyone blames Shanahan for leaving him in the game against Seattle, but Griffin himself is also to blame for being too hot shit to admit how fucked his knee was.  That injury was the comeuppance he deserved and I’m glad it happened as soon as it did.

I thought people would cool down on him the next year, but much to my chagrin, I still got so many fucking Subway commercials thrown in my face and heard so many stupid promos about the most narcissistic documentary ever made.  Seriously, that comeback special was worse than most of the things LeBron does…

Then, finally by the end of 2013, people realized he was actually a fucking terrible quarterback and a huge piece of shit as a person.  Finally!

Is he just gonna magically change by coming to Dallas?  No.

Some people may call me a hypocrite after I said basically the exact opposite about Johnny Football, but there is a huge difference here.  Manziel might be a dirtbag as a drunk (I’ve never seen him do anything bad, only be a bro but whatevs), but RG3 is an annoying sober person.  Nothing is worse than an annoying sober person.  Those people are the absolute worst and cannot be trusted, especially with the offense of America’s Team.

Johnny Football – fuck yeah, bring him in

RG3 – fuck you, go to Houston

 

 

PS – One thing I really need to get off my chest…  Every article I read about how exciting his 2012 season was mentions his week 1 win at New Orleans, and that needs to stop.  That game was the worst.  What do you do when you play a team without a coach?  Run the same stupid play over and over again!

Garbage.

• Separated shoulder
• Two broken ribs
• Lacerated kidney
• Torn abdomen

All in 7 games for a 26 year old, 240 pound QB who was previously renowned for his durability.  Damn, that really blows for Andrew Luck…  Maybe if his dipshit GM had put together a semi-competent offensive line, Luck wouldn’t be the most criminally depreciated asset in the league and we could watch him on Saturday instead of fucking Brian Hoyer…

Nope.  Instead, Ryan Grigson went out and got two ancient veterans in Johnson and Gore, paid TY Hilton top 5 money, and drafted a #4 WR in the first round.  Not one o-lineman in the draft, and only one guard in free agency who has already been waived.

After three drafts that have resulted in nothing except the most obvious #1 pick in the history of the league, getting trade raped by the Browns, and finally the disaster that was this past offseason, you’d think it’d be the obvious move for Jim Irsay to can Grigson…  Again, nope.  Instead, he rewarded Grigson with a contract extension and said his performance in Indy is exceeding the hall of fame career of Bill Polian’s.

What a load of shit.

The Colts picked up Luck’s 5th year option for 2016 last spring, but if I’m Luck, there’s no way in hell I’m stepping on a football field as a Colt again. He needs to pull an Eli Manning and force his way out of this sad sack franchise to keep his career from going to waste and his health intact.

This isn’t a Dez Bryant situation where he needs a new contract to keep from scraping by.  He’s already made $20M, has a Stanford degree, and his father is Oliver Luck.  He doesn’t need this shit.

Go land some sick deals repping some architecture firm for a year.  Force a trade to the Jets and easily start winning multiple Super Bowls and become a football and marketing god.  Do anything but play another down for Jim Irsay and the Colts.

 

PS – Irsay is garbage, but it doesn’t get more bro than this quote…

I could’ve walked someone in that door tonight or tomorrow night and have them walking in with eight figures a year and making a big splash

You know that feeling when a franchise quarterback falls all the way to the middle of the first round and that mediocre 8-8 football team you love has a chance to steal him, but they pass on him for some guard you’ve never heard of?  It sucks…

Everybody says drafting Zack Martin was the right thing to do for the franchise even though we’ve only been .500 over the past two years and are still stuck with a dinosaur at quarterback…  Needless to say, I am fucking stoked about all the latest news regarding Johnny Manziel coming to America’s Team.

The general rule of thumb for young adults is that you’ll be happy as long as you either love your job or love the city you live in.  Well, Johnny Football’s employers suck and his city sucks even worse.  If you don’t realize that all these off field ‘incidents’ are a ploy to finally free himself from the Factory of Sadness, you’re being naive.

Some people say that Manziel is clearly an alcoholic and you can’t trust an alcoholic.  What?  Fuck that.  So many athletes are alcoholics…  Every single baseball player that’s ever lived, half of the NBA, I’m sure all of the NHL, and even some hall of fame quarterbacks like Joe Namath, Brett Favre, and Ben Roethlisberger are all alcoholics.  Almost every corporate executive I know of is an alcoholic.  Who gives a fuck about ‘alcoholism’ as long as you can perform?

True story: I used to travel all the time for my job, and one time my team had a long layover so we all went to the lounge.  When it was time to board, a bunch of my colleagues left with their wine glasses still half full, and I was buzzed enough to think it was a great idea to chug every one of them before leaving in order to prevent any ‘alcohol abuse’ from occurring.  That’s when I realized I was no doubt an alcoholic myself.  Did I care?  Fuck no.  My boss didn’t care either because I got shit done for her.

Yes, Johnny Football’s performance in Cleveland has been spotty, but it’s clear that the talent is there.  It’s easy to conceive that once he realizes how much better life in Dallas is compared to College Station and Cleveland, the ensuing elation will lead him to translate all of his previous degenerative alcoholism into high-functioning alcoholism.

#4 draft pick and the future franchise quarterback coming our way for cheap?  The sports gods are smiling upon me today, and it feels good!

Throughout all the ups and downs of my love/hate relationship with Deadspin, I’ve always considered Tom Ley one of the good bloggers.  However, someone needs to call him out on the garbage he posted yesterday afternoon.

In the piece, titled “Shitty Cricket Man Harasses Female Sideline Reporter”, he lambasts some cricket player for hitting on the broad that was interviewing him…

You’re calling this dude shitty?  Fuck that.  He’s a bro!  Don’t bro hate.  I’m a Deadspin reader, not a Jezebel reader.  I don’t think it’s cool to bro hate…

Besides, it would be hypocritical for any Deadspin writer to criticize athletes who flirt with female reporters, considering that Drew Magary has carried that site on his shoulder so many times.  He got his journalism career off the ground with a bunch of other Deadspin commenters through Kissing Suzy Kolber….

If Deadspin calls that Jamaican bro above shitty but their most esteemed colleague patronizes Joe Namath, the only conclusion I can come up with is that they are covert racists (also don’t get me started on their Jameis Winston coverage).