Football starts tonight.  Fuck.  Yes.  Gambling on baseball is fun and all (especially on weekday afternoons), but there’s nothing like racking up your balance by hitting covers on our countries greatest cultural icon – American fucking football.  Start your season off with a bang with this stone cold lock…

Utah -5 vs Michigan

Jesus Christ, I have no idea how this line keeps getting bet down to under a touchdown.  These Michigan fans are getting senile right now.  Jim Harbaugh is a coaching god, yes, but that doesn’t mean the horrendous players he inherited are going to become competent overnight.  Utah is really fucking good too, and their stadium is sneakily one of the toughest in the nation to play at.  They looked like they were going to beat Oregon at home last year until this play happened…

Bet your paycheck.  Set up another mortgage on your house.  Find a gangster and risk your kneecaps.  Get as loaded as fucking possible betting Utah tonight.

When we last checked in on crybaby Drew Storen, he was responding to his demotion by acting like a whiny little bitch and pitching like shit.  In case you haven’t been following since, things have gone from bad to very much worse in a hurry.  At the time of that post, the Nats were only 2.5 games behind the Mets, which seemed like nothing when considering their easy schedule and the remaining six head to head games against the Mets.

2.5 games is especially small when you consider that the Nats finally had the genius idea to shuffle their rotation and have their three aces start against Mets.  I’m guessing Bryce Harper convinced them it was smart…

Unfortunately for the Nats, the deficit grew to 4.5 games after they reeled off six straight losses to finish their road trip.  Over the next two weeks, they fell behind by another game despite a creampuff schedule consisting of at Colorado, vs Milwaukee, vs San Diego, and vs Miami.  They’re now at 6.5 back after two straight losses in St. Louis.  Last night’s goat was none other than our favorite crybaby of a setup man…

The Nats level of suck right now is getting utterly ridiculous.  During spring training, they were the Vegas favorites to win the World Series and had the highest win total projection at 93.5.  With less than a month to go, they’re struggling to stay above .500 and are completely hopeless.  I’m gonna take a wild guess and say they finally fire their god awful manager soon.

And as if the abominable play on the diamond doesn’t embarrass the fans enough, it turns out the Nationals can’t even hold a bobblehead day without fucking it up.  Look at this garbage…

It’s a rendering of Jason Werth jumping onto the plate after walking off Game 4 of the 2012 NLDS (they still lost the series because crybaby Drew Storen blew a save the next night).  I wonder if the Nats will ever be closer to winning a postseason series than they were that night?  I’m guessing no.

Listen, I’m not here to hate on trannies.  I’ve said before, it’s 2015 and I’m smart enough to know that bashing is out and ‘acceptance’ is in.  However, the Diamondbacks made it clear last night that they are not fans of the movement when they panned in on this (wo)man(?) for 15 seconds…

Yikes…  Again, I’m not here to bash on transgender rights, but they can’t let shit like this make it onto television.  No matter how hard Jezebel’s fat readers try to deny, appearance definitely matters.  My friends who were in sororities in college said they would conduct mandatory courses for their less attractive members in order to teach them how to apply makeup well and workout efficiently to lose weight.  In my fraternity, we would make skinny pledges swallow scoopfuls of protein powder during pledge meetings. The results for everyone was social validation and way more respect from peers than trannies are getting these days.

If I was a transgender, I’d be pissed at that (wo)man(?) for going out in public like that.  You think they’d be getting so much recognition this year if Caitlyn Jenner looked like that beast instead of like this?

No way.

P.S. at least he (or she?) looks better than the ugliest baseball fan ever…  Or does it?

Here is the bet: parlay of Mets and Astros division futures.

The Mets are at -500 to win the NL East with a 5.5 game lead on the Nats that they will definitely hold.  Their trio of aces remain on fire and now their offense can actually hit now.  In addition, the Nats are continuing to blow games against mediocre teams like San Diego and Colorado (partially because crybaby Drew Storen still has his head up his ass).

The Astros are at -250 to win the AL West with a 4.5 and 5.5 game lead on the Rangers and Angels.  After beating Zach Grienke and Clayton Kershaw in consecutive games over the weekend, it looks like they will also definitely hold their lead.  They’re playing the top teams in the league and refusing to drop any games, and they’re also gonna get Springer back soon.  Also, if you’ve read my baseball picks before, you know how worthless I think the Angels are (no great pitchers, two good hitters with nothing else of significant in the lineup).  As for the Rangers, I’m a diehard fan and love their story this year, but there’s in no chance in hell I could expect their garbage ass bullpen and all the overachieving rookies in their lineup to hold up for another month.

While I think both teams have a definite 100% chance to win their divisions, the stat geeks at Baseball Prospectus put both of them at 86%.  With those odds, a parlay of these two bets would have a 74% chance in winning.  With a payout of .68:1, the ROI of doing this bet a million times over would be 24.32%.  That is insane.  There are some bets in sports that can give you a 24% expected return, but almost never do you see one with this high of a chance of winning (unless you were also following me for the Chile Copa America pick).

This is a bet we cannot pass up on.  Bet the fucking farm on it and enjoy your huge bankroll for football season.

Earlier this week, Doug Melvin stepped down as GM of the Milwaukee Brewers.  Although this news was lightly publicized, it cannot be understated how brilliant of a baseball executive he was.

In 1994, he took over as GM for the Texas Rangers, who at that point were arguably amongst the bottom five worst franchises in all of professional sports.  They existed for over 30 years and had yet to achieve one single postseason appearance, but Melvin had them in the playoffs within two years after taking over.  They ended up making the postseason three times in four years, and although they got beaten down by Yankees each time, they were a pretty damn fun and exciting team to watch.

In 2002, he became GM of the Brewers, a slightly less shitty organization than the Rangers were but still one that was coming off ten straight losing seasons and a 106 loss season the year before.  Again, within a couple of years, his team stopped sucking and eventually made the playoffs twice.  If the Brewers had any money whatsoever to keep some of the talent he acquired (Zach Grienke, C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder, to name a few), that team could’ve made many serious runs for the World Series.

So what made this Canadian-born executive so damn good at constructing winning rosters?  Sure, he made several shrewd trades and excellent draft picks, but I think there’s another element that helped him out quite a bit.  See if you can take a guess after I name, off the top of my head, the five best hitters that have ever played for him…

Pudge Rodriguez

Juan Gonzalez

Alex Rodriguez

Nelson Cruz

Ryan Braun

Hey… Whatever works right?

Ted Wells published the infamous Miami Dolphins bullying report last year, but he might soon learn a tough lesson on what happens when you try to bully back a real bully…

Richie Incognito started things off yesterday when he blasted the NFL’s investigation system, claiming that he was damaged by Ted Wells’s pursuit of a specific agenda and that Wells will only publish facts that support a predetermined argument for his report.

Ted Wells came in slanted against me and everything in his report was slanted against me. There were some things in there that would have helped my cause that were left out.

Most people tend to write off whatever Incognito says, saying that we should just “consider the source”.  However, his former line coach on the Dolphins, Jim Turner, joined the war today when he filed a defamation suit against Wells claiming that wrongful omissions in the report are preventing him from getting another job in the league.  Turner’s case probably centers around a pretty jarring story he told about Jonathan Martin on the radio last May.  Fast forward to the 6:20 mark…

We told Jon, ‘You’re going to be the starting left tackle. You’re going to be our starting left tackle in 2013. So he goes home and he doesn’t come back to work for 48 hours. He doesn’t show up to work. I have to send guys to his house to find out where he is…  I said, ‘Jon, where were you?’ And he gave me some BS answer. And I said, ‘No, you’re going to tell me where you were. He said, ‘I was sitting in my apartment on the 16th story looking out the window.’ I said, ‘What do you mean you were looking at the window, are you saying what I think you’re saying?’ He said, ‘Yeah, I was thinking about jumping…

He said, ‘Three months ago at my dad’s house in California and I was sitting on my dad’s couch. I said, ‘Does your dad have a gun, Jon?’ He said, ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘Did you you have it in your hands?’ He said, ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘Did you put it up to your head, Jon?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ I told Wells all of this stuff…

They left that out of the report. I told the investigators the whole story, just like I’m telling you. It was just clear to me when I read the report how Richie Incognito was railroaded and then I got railroaded along with him…

It will be interesting to see how this lawsuit plays out…  I’m no lawyer myself, but if I were the NFL, I would fire back saying Turner doesn’t have a job because his players couldn’t block for shit.

Aside from their god-awful manager, the MLB’s preseason darlings look to have another major issue threatening to extend their streak of failing to win a postseason series to 48 years (out of 48 years of franchise existence).

In acquiring John Papelbon at the deadline, Nats GM Mike Rizzo turned his club’s bullpen from one of the weakest amongst playoff contenders to one with the deadliest setup-man/closer combo in the majors.  At the time, Drew Storen had been serving as closer for the Nats and was having an amazing 2015 (29 saves out of 31 opportunities, 1.73 ERA).  Unfortunately for the Nats, they had few postseason dependable arms in the pen with him other than long reliever Tanner Rourke.  Storen also has somewhat of a checkered October history that might’ve had the Nats faithful worried come fall…

In case you didn’t watch, that was Storen blowing a 2 run lead in the bottom of the 9th in game 5 of the 2012 NLDS.  If that kind of epic choke job isn’t enough to worry fans, you can also look back on his blown save in Game 3 last year against the Giants.

While Papelbon’s postseason history is not without blemishes, he has been a part of some stellar runs that includes the iconic 2007 Red Sox championship team.  A Storen/Papelbon combo in the 8th and 9th innings should significantly shorten games for the Nats’ stockpile of starting rotation talent and give them a great chance of finally bringing playoff glory to DC.  Unfortunately, once the trade went down, Storen gave no indication that he was going to play along nicely.

As an arbitration-eligible player, Storen could have a legitimate beef here, as arbiters will typically grant higher salary values to players with defined roles as closers.  What do you think?  Does Storen have a right to be pissed?  Before we get more in depth, lets take a look at his performances over the past weekend…

Here’s what he did on Friday:

Here’s what he did yesterday:

Yeah Storen…  You might just wanna shut up and play

Awkwarddd

We went 2-2 yesterday, with a blown save capped off by a wild pitch in LA and a walk off walk in extra innings in Chicago robbing us of daytime bliss. Luckily, there’s some good matchups today we can still get rich on.

Reds (+150) vs Cardinals

The Reds are an underrated home team for day games with balls flying out of he Great American Ballpark all the time, and Wacha is struggling on the road. Also, it’s about time to start looking out for the Cards to go into coast mode and that would especially apply on getaway days like this.

Dodgers (-270) at Phillies

The price doesn’t matter. The Dodgers are in a tight division race and Grienke is on the mound against a bad pitcher for Philly.

Royals (-115) at Tigers

Take the much better Royals team to clinch this series.

Brewers (-112) vs Padres

In a battle of two mediocre teams, take Garza at home.

Diamondbacks (+160) vs Nats

With the Nats struggling the way they are, they should not be such heavy favorites against a red hot D-Backs team. With this price, I’m comfortable betting on Hellickson to have a bounce back game and for the Arizona bats to light up Joe Ross now that he’s been pitching long enough for the scouting report on him to be out.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – daytime baseball gambling is almost as fun as daytime sex…

I don’t have to be the only one enjoying the utmost bliss this afternoon.  You can too by following these stone cold LOCKS!

Rays (-114) at White Sox

Apparently, over the past few weeks, people got tricked into thinking the White Sox didn’t suck?  That’s absurd.  After last night’s blowout against Chris Sale, expect the Rays to complete the sweep and put these delusions to sleep.  The Rays also have Erasmo Ramirez on the mound, who is extremely hot on the road and will be pitching in a top 5 pitcher friendly park today.

Rockies (+105) vs. Mariners

In this interleague battle between two mediocre teams, I’ll take the home team to avoid the sweep, especially considering the Rockies have by far the best home offense against righties and the Mariners are a very poor lefty hitting team.

Indians (+108) at Angels

In what seems close to a tossup game, I’ll take Danny Salazar with plus money going up against a slumping offense.  The Indians don’t have Kipnis, but that could be a blessing in disguise as LA is rolling out the lefty Santiago, and Kipnis has a subpar average against lefties.

Orioles (-129) at Athletics

In this rubber match, I’ll take the better team with a southpaw pitcher (Chen) that the A’s always struggle against.