Robert Kraft Fell in Love with Two Hookers and It Was Probably Magical

Kraft Girlfriend

There was a big expose this week on the Robert Kraft/Asian hooker ring bust and one particular passage has been making some rounds:

Kraft Hookers

No fucken way man.  Everyone said it made no sense that a billionaire would need a rub and tug spa and everyone was right.  He was in love with the hookers.  What a life!

I honestly feel bad for mr kraft here.  It must be really true that he loved his wife that much even with all those nookie girls immediately taking her place in the suite.  He’s just a man that loves to fall in love.  If the police had any decency, they could’ve at least delayed the sting until after Kraft had a chance to save those hookers lives and fulfill all their hopes and dreams.

Robert Kraft Fell in Love with Two Hookers and It Was Probably Magical

Are the Stars Gonna Suck or Will They Skate the Cup?

seguin stretch

It looked like the Stars were going to suck this year starting 0-3 and one of our players almost died*.  We were down for most of tonight and the season was on the line apparently so I had to tune in for my first ten minutes of NHL hockey this season.  I saw enough to say that we most definitely do not suck and will in fact skate the Cup.

Our go-ahead goal in the third period was off an especially lazy turnover by Washington.  It was the type of play you’d almost never see in the playoffs but it’s October and you can only expect players to have so much focus this far away from the real games.

Which brings me to my main point – what is hockey doing starting so damn early in the fall?  I love hockey to death but no thank you to getting up for any of this when we’re only a couple weeks removed from the summer!  I’ll probably tune in to close third period games until our record comes back to normal and then tune out for the next couple of months.

*wtf??

Are the Stars Gonna Suck or Will They Skate the Cup?

Cowboys Get off to a Disappointing 4-2 Start

favre head hit

The fact of the matter is Aaron Rodgers has owned us his entire career and I’m at peace with it.  Despite all of Brett Favre’s accolades and all of those John madden live action dick sucking sessions that America had to endure for so many Monday nights, there is one thing Favre could never do and that is win a game at Texas Stadium.  Rodgers came onto the scene in that OG Thursday night football game in 2007 to replace a broken Brett Favre and hasn’t looked back since.  His lone super bowl was in our stadium and he’s taken a seemingly spiritualistic pleasure in sticking it to Dallas his entire career.  And I’m cool with it.  Give me that in return for dominating Favre’s ass for 15 years any day.  Besides, what does wisconsin have to show for it, a whopping one super bowl each for both of those legendary quarterbacks.  ‘Whoop dee doo,’ says Troy from the booth.

We have the Jets next week so we’re still good for a nice 4-2 start to kick off the season.  The big test is the after that on SNF vs the Eagles where Dak’s gotta do what he’s done his whole career (outside the Zeke suspension year) and OWN that team.  Also their secondary is absolute trash so we’re in good position to be 5-2 with a playoff spot locked up and a couple months to try out new kickers and sort out any other issues with the team before playoffs.

Stay strong Dallas fans.  Part of being royalty means taking everyone’s best punch and we just took a couple good ones both at the dome and against one of the goats.  For what it’s worth, I have never and I mean never seen New Orleans as shook to its core as this and there is no reason for the spirit to die down at 4-2

PS Favre and Rodgers are boys now which is hilarious.  Imagine being one of those dudes and having to waste all of your god given talents in wisconsin – yikes

Cowboys Get off to a Disappointing 4-2 Start

Tulane -5.5: Greatest Trick Play Ever Completes Greatest Cover Ever

Tulane Fake Kneel

Good teams win; great teams cover. Vegas cashed in big tonight as Tulane did both on ESPN. As all the non-college fans got their first taste of legendary Leach protege Gardner Minshew, degen nation watched Leach’s ugliest protege collapse on his ass in uptown New Orleans. Fuck you Dana. 

As is New Orleans tradition, the refs tried to fuck us over hard with this horse shit roughing the passer call:

(Flashback to Joe Kemp’s injury at Houston back in the day)

Between Saints scouting and Dallas sports radio superstardom, the Kemps are a good family for Dallas/NOLA sports so we can unite and say fuck Houston and fuck that call.  Also though, QBs are supposed to spike the ball if they hear a whistle…

It doesn’t matter because our defense locked down again and we got the ball at the perfect time to whip out this fake kneel down fake sweep reverse:

And then OK st transfer Jalen McCleskey caught a ball in field goal range, realized the Houston secondary had been living up to their head coach’s first name, and decided “Fuck the win I’m going for the cover.”

Chah ching! CHALK one up for the good guys and pour one out for the good man T Boone Pickens.  If only he had stuck around for one week longer he would’ve been proud as hell to see Mason Rudolph’s promotion and this kid’s legendary cover.  He’s smiling in heaven tonight though I’m sure.

Great win.  Greater cover.  Fuck all of those terrible gamblers out there that pounced on Houston.  UCF better start watching out!

Tulane -5.5: Greatest Trick Play Ever Completes Greatest Cover Ever

Tulane Only Favored by 5.5 vs Houston

8116A268-525C-421B-A64B-243F4E0B00CF

Tulane hosts Houston in a Thursday degenerate showcase for gamblers everywhere to enjoy during TNF commercial breaks.  We played Houston in this same time slot last year and it was a blowout loss notable only for Ed Oliver trying to fight his coach.  This year is different however, as the line opened up Tulane -3.5 and has been steamed as far as -5.5.  Fucken right!

Houston is one of those ‘P5 darlings’ that have actually been ranked in recent years.  They stole Dana Holgerson from West Virginia last January and even though I’ve always thought him as kind of an ugly loser, he is still an Air Raid protege and one of the brightest offensive minds in the game.  They also returned stud quarterback D’Eriq King (obviously a dual threat), who was one of the greatest Texas high school QBs ever and this year has looked pretty awesome against Oklahoma and Washington State.  Against the latter last Friday, they found themselves halftime favorites.

Despite all that, the sharps are hammering Tulane.  It’s not something I expected, in fact it’s so unexpected that it has to be a lock.  We are good again.  Finally!

I haven’t seen much of the team this year, but I did see enough of that Auburn game to see that we kept it close for awhile and had a chance but the refs were definitely paid off.  We had two straight turnovers that were overturned without clear evidence.  The first of those turnovers was the brightest spot of the night as it coincided with our secondary putting Auburn’s star WR into a sling.

That’s what I’m talking about.  Can’t call us cupcakes anymore with us coming at you like that.  For what it’s worth, the aforementioned D’eriq King tore his meniscus against us last year and missed the rest of the season.  Just something to keep in mind.

Tulane -5.5 – hammer that fucking lock

Tulane Only Favored by 5.5 vs Houston

An Homage to Rosie Ruiz – the Coolest Female Athlete of All Time

rosie ruiz

Last night there were some sports obits going around about Rosie Ruiz, who I ended up learning was undoubtedly the greatest women’s sports heroine in history. As a child, she fled Cuba at age 8.  As an adult, she achieved the American dream by winning the 1980 Boston Marathon with a record breaking time.  However, things kind of blew up in her face in the post-race interview when it became obvious that she cheated.

Witnesses saw her sneak into the race from the crowd at a point well ahead of all the other women runners, but none of the official spotters noticed her because people weren’t pretending to care about the women’s race back then.  They ended up disqualifying her and even found out that she took a subway through the whole route of the New York Marathon to qualify.  Like a true master woman, she denied until she died.

In the decade that followed her historic victory, she accomplished several other feats such as stealing 60k from her employer, trafficking a bunch of cocaine, having some babies and then finding a loving lesbian partner for the rest of her life.  Her friends and family didn’t even mention her athletic feats in a very sweet obituary, but then some running magazine got wind of it and published the coolest part of her life story.

Those runners that read that running magazine may seem bitter, but at the end of the day she is the greatest women’s marathon runner of all time in my eyes.  I mean who else is even out there that even compares?  Can you name anyone else better?

Rip in peace Rosie – you lived a good one

An Homage to Rosie Ruiz – the Coolest Female Athlete of All Time

A Definitive and Accurate Assertation of the MLB Trade Deadline

astros fan

It was a historic trade deadline for the hated Houston asstros as they get a new hall of fame to anchor the rotation of what was already their most talented team ever.  Zack Greinke now has access to the same fountain of youth that Justin Verlander enjoyed via the esteemed Houston ‘analytics’ department.  Vegas odds indicate we should start expecting an epic WS rematch of 2017, which will be especially juicy with some potential duels between Greinke and his former colleague Kershaw.  Nothing on the line except immortality for the legacies of both themselves and their franchises.

On paper, there is no argument Houston won deadline day, but as they always say we still have to play the games and not everything turns out like it’s supposed to.  Listen I’m not criticizing Zack Greinke’s mental health – even the wokest of woke might find it hard to find a real sob story in a $217M and counting career, but he did have to live almost a decade in Kansas City and Milwaukee and that is a truly traumatic way to spend your 20s.  The only city in baseball that might be worse than those two is Houston, so let’s hope this ‘analytics’ era of the asstros wasn’t exposed forever by Alex Cora or it might come to a swift collapse with some very sad campers.

Big Swinging Dick GM and The Miracle Mets 2.0

The real winners are the Mets and budding New York hero Brodie Van Wagenen.  He started July by berating and throwing a chair at his manager for fucking up way too much and then ended the month by resurrecting the DeGrom/Thor contention window.  The Stroman trade put a smile on every baseball fan, but most importantly it gave hope back to the best fans in baseball as the Mets now have the league’s best rotation by far for the next two postseasons.

The Mets are 13-2 in their last 15 and are a lock to clinch the wild card with time to rest before October.  If it weren’t for an astonishing 21 blown saves throughout this season, they’d be favorites over Atlanta for the division right now.  If Diaz can regain any of his form from last year as the best closer in baseball, the Mets have a shot at pitching their way to a title.

George Steinbrenner Continues to Roll in His Grave

On the other side of town we have the Yankees – woof.  In the past three years, this $4.6B franchise has been gifted stars on a silver platter such as…

  1. #1 prospect in baseball Gleyber Torres in exchange for a two month loan of Chapman
  2. NL MVP Giancarlo Stanton in exchange for two shitty prospects (collusion)
  3. The best prospect of all time Jasson ‘The Martian’ Dominguez for record money

The Yankees rolled into the trade deadline this year with the best record in baseball, and then lo and behold things weren’t free anymore.  Instead of overpaying anyway because titles are worth it (see #1 above), Bryan Cashman opted for prospect hugging.  Maybe the SAVAGES and these juiced balls will make October starting pitching obsolete for the first time ever.  Otherwise, it’s time for Cashman to be canned.  One World Series in 20 years for a franchise like that is flat out not enough.  I can’t imagine how furious George Steinbrenner would be if he was still alive.

Other Trade Deadline Notes:

Twins and Indians – have been enjoying the easiest schedules of all time this year which is nice for them.  The Twins have a bright future, but they’re not quite ready yet and they’re especially not going anywhere with Sam Dyson throwing meaningful pitches.  God he sucks so bad why oh why would they make such a stupid trade.

The Bauer trade for Cleveland?  Well he’s a shithead and their window has passed so yeah might as well move on from him. Puig is dope

Braves had a budding surefire dynasty until the aforementioned Brodie Van Wagenen pulled out his big swinging dick.  Despite the new divisional competition, their roster is still stacked everywhere except the bullpen.  They acquired closer Shane Greene who had been nearly perfect for the Tigers this season.  Immediately after getting traded, he regressed to the 30yo 4.60 ERA spare who ruined so many juicy moneylines and unders in Detroit these past few years. Still, Atlanta has a deep farm system (they also acquired two other relievers) and you gotta take shots and not be pussies like Cashman to win.

Giants – hilarious and awesome that they went on a fluky run at the most inopportune time possible and now will see Bumgarner walk for nothing.  Flags fly forever though.

Nats and Phillies – not that any good teams genuinely wanted him but it is funny that Bryce Harper left a trash team in DC for an equally trash team in Philly and they’re both gonna stay trash for the entirety of his contract.

A Definitive and Accurate Assertation of the MLB Trade Deadline