I’m starting gambling locks again. My baseball picks are off a proprietary system I conjured up and it’s pretty damn good so I suggest riding it.
UPDATE: Well that was a ride. Up 14 units at one point, finished down 2.5, and too many god damned blown saves to count. Gonna start this back up next June.
-2.5 units
7/27:
Athletics +175 at Blue Jays (x2)
Mets/Padres un9 +105 (x2)
Nats -2.5 vs Brew Crew
Nats/Brewers ov8 ev
Diamondbacks -108 at Cardinals
Rays +109 at Yankees
White Sux +215 vs Cubs
Just want to get this out there before Game 3 begins tonight – anyone who thinks this series is actually gonna be a sweep or end in 5 has no idea how this league works. The Dubs won’t be able to so much as breathe on LeBron tonight without giving up free throws. I honestly don’t understand how everyone doesn’t know this by now.
The NBA fanboys always whine about NFL officials and they don’t know the rulebook. Yeah the catch rule may be confusing on a play once every few weeks or so, but a controversial foul call happens every few possessions or so in a basketball game. I still don’t know what the actual definition of the rule is for it and have never heard one from an NBA fanboy either. It is the most easily rigged game of all the sports and it happens so often.
Why did Tim Donaghy go to jail? Because he rigged games. Why did the Kings get fucked? Cuz they don’t make as much money as the Lakers. Same goes for the Suns. Mark Cuban was a cocky little shit that the owners hated, so Stern starts rigging the 2006 series to take his title away. The lottery this year? Oh my god that was rigged so hard. Gonna be such a windfall for the Celtics and Sixers to have super teams while the Lakers escape their fate of being fucked forever. This was almost as obvious as the Ewing lottery. Almost. And yes LeBron fanboys, last year was a put up job as well. A damn successful one at that.
The Warriors have been blowing everyone out of the water yet are only favored by three tonight. Seems sketchy as fuck unless you use your brain.
I wrote a Champions League prediction in February and touted Juve at 12:1 odds as insane value (with Madrid as the only other team worth betting on). I usually say hedging is for cowards, but this time I had to be a coward and throw down some on Madrid because Zinedine Zidane scared the fucking shit out of me.
With the amount of money and resources Madrid gets to throw around, they should be winning this tournament every single year. More often than not, however, they ended up failing. It seemed every legendary coach that came through (Pellegrini, Mourinho, Ancelotti, Rafa Benitez) left after a short, underwhelming stint without ever getting through to the players. That all changed last January when Zidane came on board, and now the rest of the soccer universe is fucked.
For the first time, these Madrid players are getting managed by someone who is just as rich and more famous than they are. He has credibility that no other current manager will ever have. He’s currently 2 for 2 in Champions League conquests, and I don’t see this streak stopping any time soon. When a team this expensive and this stacked is able to actually start clicking, everyone else is fucked.
Ronaldo’s transformation is also huge here. Up until last year, Ronaldo was always the clear #2 behind Messi. Now, the debate is much more open. A big reason for that is Ronaldo’s sudden emergence as a great leader and the way he rallied Portugal to a shocking Euro Cup title. He was always perceived as a petulant little shit whose arrogance and selfish play got in the way of team results, but that’s all gone out the window by now. No way this happens without Zizou’s mentorship.
We’re legit on the verge of seeing a Phil Jackson type run here. I can’t think of anyone better suited to manage a team of superstars in soccer, and I can’t think of any reason that Madrid won’t go on the runs that the Bulls and Lakers did. It was fun betting on other teams while it lasted, but from now on investing your life savings into Madrid futures is the way to go. They’re never losing again.
Rejoice, fellow Rangers fans! Finally, that sack of shit Sam Dyson has been canned. It couldn’t have come soon enough. Apparently he was weeping as he cleaned out his locker, but you won’t find one shred of pity coming from me.
Never in my life as a baseball fan have I seen someone singlehandedly implode a season the way Dyson has. On opening night, he came on in the 9th and got shelled for three runs to ruin the game. In the three subsequent save opportunities he had, he went out and blew all three saves. Two of them were with three run leads and the other with two.
We finally demoted him once his ERA ballooned to 27.00(!), and then he started ruining games for us as a middle reliever. On May 7, he blew open a 3-0 lead at Seattle. Last Wednesday, we were on our way to beating Chris Sale in Fenway until he got the nod with a 3-1 lead in the 7th – 4 hits, 3 walks, 5 runs, 0 outs…
Jesus christ he fucken sucks so god damned much. Any time I saw him warm up in the bullpen, I developed this feeling of despair akin to the morning after a night of meth-laced drugs. They say we’re trying to trade him, but at this point he is more worthless than the bag of bats that minor leaguer once got traded for. The way Dyson fucked our season up, I honestly wouldn’t feel bad if he OD’d just like that bat kid as well.
With a third of the season gone and over 20% of our losses solely attributed to Sam Dyson sucking dick, it feels good to finally turn the page for good and start enjoying some winning. Tonight, the Astros are rolling into town with all their springtime champion smug. It’s time to do what we always do to these cocky little shits – beat them down like the bitches they are. The series odds have us at +150 and I can’t conceive of an easier way to pay for your weekend shenanigans. Darvish vs Keuchel game 1. Let’s fucken go!
Two sites that I used to love reading and now love to hate-read decided to get in a blog war yesterday. It would’ve sounded unfathomable five years ago, but this was one of the most depressing media beefs of all time. Unfortunately, these sites have fallen a long way.
It started with a Rihanna ‘fat shaming’ blog on Tuesday morning that Pres decided to remove later in the afternoon. Anyone with a brain knows that it was censorship from Chernin, and it’s exactly the type of bullshit PC censorship that Barstool used to be a haven from. It’s sad to see them stoop so far from these glory days…
Big time heartbreak last week, really tough pill to swallow for us diehard FC Dallas fans. We went on the road as huge underdogs to the Mexicans and came so close to glory. A sick 86′ header to equalize the aggregate score followed up by conceding the shittiest goal of all time.
It sucked even worse for fanboy bettors who had FC Dallas +1.5, smh.
Anyway, I just learned something today that made me forget about Champion’s League and start getting stoked for the long term future of the franchise… Our Under 15 squad just walloped the USWNT in a scrimmage!! It wasn’t even close either. Our middle school academy squad beat the women’s world cup champions 5-2! Unreal.
I know I recently wrote that its time to stop pretending we actually care about the women’s national team, but now my tune is starting to change. I’m gonna pretend this whole USWNT craze was actually worth a shit. Who cares about the Olympics and SheBelieves Cup (what?) disappointments, we won a fucking world cup! Let’s actually give some legit lip service to the feminist SJWs and their ‘equal pay for equal play’ movement.
In the meantime, lets get these 13 and 14 year old FC Dallas kids into the men’s team academy ASAP. They can be our squad for Qatar 2022 and we’ll basically be a lock for four straight World Cups from there on out. No doubt about it when you see what they’re already doing to current world cup champions. Finally, the superstars we’ve been waiting for are arriving! God I feel better about everything now.
I know this is long as shit, but I had to get some feelings out.
11. 2006: Wild Card Rd – Seattle 21, Dallas 20
The worst part of the game was not the infamous botched field goal (there was plenty enough time to lose anyway), but rather everything that led up to it. We scored six total points off two turnovers inside Seattle territory. Romo threw for a measly 189 yards, fumbled, converted only 4 of 13 3rd downs (which is really bad), and smirked like a smug little shit to Parcells every time he came off the field. Three months earlier, he was a no-name UDFA backup, and now he was a cocky fuckhead who seemed more concerned about his pregame rituals with Carrie Underwood than focusing for big time winter NFL games.
Rex Grossman’s Bears won the NFC that year, and Parcells decided to quit coaching shortly after.
10. 2007: Divisional Rd – Giants 21, Cowboys 17
Worst loss in franchise history no doubt about it. People who say Romo never had a great supporting cast completely forgot about the 2007 season. We had it all – great defense, stacked o-line, TO, Witten, MBIII, etc. We cruised to the 1 seed, but unfortunately December came and Romo got distracted by starlet #2: Jessica Simpson. He took her out to Cabo during the bye week before leading his team to crap the bed against the Giants.
9. 2008: Week 17 – Eagles 44, Cowboys 6
Worst regular season loss in franchise history no doubt about it. People that say Romo never had a great a supporting cast completely forgot about the 2008 season. All the same players from 2007 plus Roy Williams and Pac-Man Jones. Started the season on Hard Knocks acting like hot shit, ended it getting thrashed in a do-or-die game at Philly.
Citing servicemen who were currently in Iraq at the time, Romo explained that his three turnovers did not matter because “if this is the worst thing that will ever happen to me, then I’ve lived a pretty good life.” Really cheered us all up…
8. 2009: Divisional Rd – Vikings 34, Cowboys 3
Three fumbles (losing two), an interception, and six sacks en route to getting our ass pounded by Minnesota. For what it’s worth, I’d like to point out to all the people who say Romo’s never had a good defense that our 2009 squad was historically great and had nine straight shutout quarters going into the playoffs. At least this time the choke job wasn’t against a division rival!
7. 2010: Week 7 – Giants 41, Cowboys 35
Romo ended his 2010 season with a broken collarbone on Monday Night Football. We had a promising 1-4 record before he went down.
6. 2011: Week 17 – Giants 31, Cowboys 14
Team culture and discipline took a turn for the better under Jason Garrett’s first full season as head coach, but a 1-5 December finish with Romo at the helm looked all too familiar. This was the second time Romo went on the road for a week 17 with a do-or-die matchup, and it was the second time that a division rival stripped our fanbase of its dignity.
5. 2012: Week 17 – Redskins 28, Cowboys 18
Now a 10 year veteran of the league, Romo was blessed with a perfect opportunity to finally shed his choke artist stigma at the end of 2012. In a showdown against recently hobbled rookie RG3, Romo started the game by throwing two interceptions on his first two drives. Despite the horrific start, we found ourselves down by only 3 with 3:30 to go when Romo threw another god awful pick to complete the trifecta of divisional death knells.
Three months later, rival NFC East fans rejoiced when Romo got a big fat 6 year, $108M extension. It was a key factor in losing Demarcus Ware and Demarco Murray, and we have yet to sign a notable free agent since.
4. 2013: Week 15 – Packers 37, Cowboys 36
2013 was known for two classic Romo moments… There was the epic week 5 duel against Peyton Manning that ended with a back breaking interception. Then, there was the epic week 15 duel against Matt Flynn that ended with two back breaking interceptions on the final two drives.
3. 2014: Divisional Rd – Packers 26, Cowboys 21
Talk to anybody in the DFW metroplex and they’ll tell you this was the year Romo redeemed himself and affirmed himself as a clutch quarterback. Apparently, his whole narrative would be different if the refs hadn’t ‘screwed us over’ on the Dez call (it was the correct call). Then, we would’ve been able to stop Aaron Rodgers on the next drive (lol), then gone to Seattle and surely beat the Seahawks (okay sure), and then who knows how we fare against the Pats?? (oh jeez)
Ironically, people forget that we were just one week removed from Romo lucking out of the biggest choke job of his career against Detroit(!) in the wild card. They somehow forget that the refs simultaneously waved off a clear PI flag while ignoring a blatant personal foul on Dez. They forget that Jim Caldwell opted for a 10 yard punt on 4th and 1. And they forget that Romo took six sacks and nearly lost a fumble before the football gods took pity on him.
2. 2015: Thanksgiving Day – Panthers 33, Cowboys 14
After breaking his collarbone (while trying to recover his own fumble) and missing most of the season, we had big hopes for Romo to salvage the season before a big turkey day match against the Panthers. He proceeded to throw three interceptions (two pick sixes) in the first half and then re-broke his collarbone in the second half.
1. 2016: FREEDOM!!!
Upon finally getting benched in favor of our Lord and Savior Dak Prescott, we got our fucking swagger back and rode some rookies all the way to overtime of the divisional round. Its further than we ever advanced in the playoffs with Romo.
So I tuned into the World Baseball Classic for the first time ever last night to see the end of USA-Japan. I feel a little happy and patriotic and shit to see us win, but I’m so confused on how Japan of all teams could fuck that ending up the way they did. Let’s run this down…
In the top of the 8th inning, third baseman Nobuhiro Matsuda errored on a ground ball to allow the game winning run. That was shocking because I thought Japanese players never have errors. Apparently the rain fucked with them because they have to play most of their games indoors to dodge typhoons. That might be a reasonable excuse, but I still think this dude should take the ‘bu’ out of his first name and start going by ‘No-Hiro’ to distance his family from shame.
The real perplexity came in the bottom of the inning. Down 2-1, Japan subbed their famous catcher and hot dog eater Kobayashi for a pinch hitter who got the leadoff single. So far so good for the Japs, especially with their leadoff hitter coming to the plate. Unfortunately, they decided to fuck themselves over by having this aforementioned leadoff hitter (their best hitter) BUNT their runner over to second!
What?? Are the Japanese still living in 2007? Did they just completely ignore the sabermetrics revolution? They’re so good at math, but for some reason they’re unwilling to apply it to their beloved baseball team…
For those uninitiated to basic (and I mean basic) sabermetrics, Brandon Linthicum from One Strike Away has a concise and insightful explanation on why sac bunts are stupid, especially when moving someone from first to second. In essence, having an extra out to play with carries significantly more value than advancing a runner one base forward. This specific bunt by Japan actually decreased their chance at tying the game by 24%. Amazing…
Naturally, their next three hitters went strikeout, walk (hmm), and lineout to end the inning without scoring. What a dishonorable way to lose a game. Why not just steal instead of doing the kamikaze-bunt? Is it simply too hard for the Japs to tamper down their sacrificial values? I hope nobody ever drops a bomb on manager Hiroki Kokubo by giving him a copy of Moneyball because he may start considering seppuku by the end.
In the end, it may be a shitty new era for America as a whole, but it does feel nice to see us outsmart some harder-working foreigners once again.
I have to admit I pretty much never watch FC Dallas. The MLS puts their playoff games in the middle of NFL Sundays for some reason, so I’ve never had a choice but to not give a shit about them. That’s changing tonight though, because we’re in the semifinals of the CONCACAF Champions League. Fuck yeah, feels good to be awesome at another sport!
We’re playing some Mexican team Pachuca. They’re good – I know because I actually do follow Liga MX here and there (its the best league by far to gamble on because the crowds and the Mexican announcers make the dopamine rush feel sooo good). However, it still looks like free money taking us at +158. Apparently we’re the best MLS team, and the Mexicans just lost their striker…
Hahaha suckeerrrrss!! Also, I wonder if we’re gonna start any “build that wall!!” chants during our set pieces? We’ll see I guess.
Our women’s soccer team got thrashed 3-0 by France yesterday, which locked them into a last place finish in some tournament called the SheBelieves Cup (what?). Last fall in the Olympics, we suffered an ’embarrassing’ upset to Sweden in the quarterfinals. I’ve gone over this before and I’d like to reiterate now that they’ve stopped winning… Can we finally stop pretending to give a shit about these broads?
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t hate all women sports and I’m not a complete misogynist. Serena Williams is one of the most exciting athletes in the world. Simone Biles is cool as hell. Our soccer team, however, has no fucking reason to be in the limelight because they’re boring as shit.
I’ve tried watching before and can never make it through 20 minutes because these games are just flat out unentertaining. The most positive thing I can say about them is that women sustain longer possessions because everyone is so slow that the playing surface is essentially larger. It’s like watching Olympic hockey, but with middle school hockey players instead of NHLers.
The worst part about this team is, despite being boring as hell to watch, they’ve been throwing a big fucking tantrum for years about how important they’re supposed to be. They tried to go on strike and get paid like the men’s team, yet there was like 3,000 total fans at that Sweden game in Rio. They called FIFA sexist for having artificial turf fields in the Women’s World Cup even though half the MLS teams and every single high school team plays on that. They even complain that their jerseys are too attractive. I actually get excited when they lose now in the hopes that they start shutting the fuck up.
I’m all for women’s rights and shit, but this type of kowtowing is counterproductive to the cause. When you feed into the SJW agenda like this, you’re giving the real chauvinists the ammunition they need to start their movements. Let’s be better!!
7th Floor Krewe 
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