I know everybody’s busy being American as fuck today and making money off of my picks that are killing it, but don’t completely ignore the U.S. Open Final. I’m not saying to actually watch it, but you should definitely gamble on it and set some alerts on your phone and maybe catch the very end, because you know, it can’t be more automatic.

The first Sunday of NFL season…  Do I really need an intro here?  Okay I’ll give a quick one just for the hell of it.  We went 8-5 in college picks this week and everyone who followed my soccer pick this morning just doubled their paycheck.

The NFL is the hardest sports league to gamble on because oddsmakers spend by far the most time and resources to set up perfect lines.  However, its also the most fun league to gamble on, so I gamble heavily on it.  The best way to make money is through three team teases, but I also win a lot of straight up bets, so you should still feel safe placing high stakes wagers on these picks…

Bears +7 vs Packers

I know, I know…  I fucking know what happened last year in both games…  However, last year is over, and Marc Trestman is gone.  The 84% of public bettors don’t seem to realize how awful of a head coach Trestman was and that he is no longer coaching the Bears.  Instead, they now have arguably a top 5 coach at the helm (yes, I said top 5, and I stand by it because he’s been to two Super Bowls including one with an expansion team and also made the playoffs with Tim fucking Tebow).  I also expect the defense to be infinitely less shitty than last year considering the fact that they also brought in a top 3 defensive coordinator.

Despite an overwhelming 84% of public bets on the Packers, the line still moved half a point in favor of the Bears…  Do you know what that means?  It means all the pro gamblers placed their bets on Chicago, and Vegas bookies are also betting on Chicago themselves by not capping their liability on Green Bay.  Let’s side with Vegas today and get a whole touchdown’s worth of points at home.

Chiefs -1 at Texans

The Texans fucking suck.  Brian Hoyer?  Is that a fucking joke?  Last year, their offense was all about Arian Foster, and he can’t play today.  The Chiefs are one of the most criminally underrated teams, and probably have the best pass rush in the league with Justin Houston and Tamba Hali.  Their defense is going to suffocate Houston on offense.  And now their offense finally has a receiver that’s worth a shit and they’ll easily be able to score enough points to beat Houston.

Jets -3 vs Browns

The Browns have one of the worst quarterbacks in the league, the worst receiving corp in the league, and arguably the worst group of running backs in the league.  Are they going to have any offense against Todd Bowles Darelle Revis’s defense?  No.

Bills +2.5 at Colts

The Colts are my pick to be the most disappointing team this year.  Their GM has done absolutely nothing productive except suck enough in 2011 to get the #1 pick for Andrew Luck.  He keeps drafting receivers despite having shit for defense and no offensive line.  The Frank Gore and Andre Johnson signings would have been amazing five years ago, but are just confusing in 2015.  The Bills have a great home field advantage and are one of the few teams that can consistently make elite QBs struggle (like Aaron Rodgers last year).  Take Rex Ryan with the points.

Dolphins -4 at Redskins

This is definitely a trap game that Vegas set up here.  It’s also a trap that you should not be scared of.

Panthers -3 at Jaguars

The battle of the 90s expansion teams.  Everyone is down on the Panthers this year because of their receiving corp, but I think they will be fine.  Cam Newton was really hurt last year and it was night and day how much better they got at the end of the year when he finally got healthy.  Now he’s healthy, Jonathan Stewart is fully healthy for the first time in years, and Riverboat Ron is definitely going to have this defense in tip top shape.

Rams +4 at Seahawks

The Rams are going to have a top 5 defense this year no question.  Probably a top 3.  They also have a quarterback for once.  There are some concerns with their young offensive line and their running game with both Mason and Gurley hurt, but they’re still a much stronger team than in years past and they’ve always played the Seahawks tough.  I think there’s a 50/50 shot at them winning this game, and getting an extra 4 points at home is a good bet.  If you weren’t able to get in on the tease before the Pats game started, Rams +14 is a good replacement.

Edit – afternoon games

Raiders +3 vs Bengals

Titans +3 at Bucs

Chargers -3 vs Lions

Cardinals -2.5 vs Saints

Ravens +4.5 vs Broncos

Tottenham plays the shittiest team in the Premier League this morning, and bookmakers have them at only -110 odds to win.  They’re basically asking us to take charity from them.  And while we’re not poor (especially after the college games this weekend), it would still be dumb to say no.  Therefore, I suggest betting your entire month’s paycheck on Tottenham to win this game.

Tottenham only has three points right now as they’ve blown several leads to result in draws, but those have been against teams that are far better than Sunderland.  Sunderland fucking sucks.  They’ve been needing to get relegated for years now, and it looks like this is the year where they finally get sent packing to where they belong.  Although Tottenham does not have many points this year, they are still a talented team that will win a lot of games.  They also have new arrival Son Heung-Min from Bayer Leverkusen that’s gonna give a really good boost to their attack from the midfield.

Our picks from Friday night and this morning are 3-1 so far, leaving you with much more disposable income than you ever would have had without following me.  It’s only logical that you put some high stakes wagers on the marquee matchups tonight.  Here we go…

Oklahoma -1.5 at Tennessee

Oklahoma pounded the living shit out of Tennessee in Norman last year.  For some reason, people think that Tennessee’s supposed ‘great improvement’ and the fact that this game is in Knoxville is enough to give Tennessee a chance this year.  I am not one of those people.  I’ve been hearing the same thing about how Tennessee is a team on the rapid rise for the past ten years, and the only time I’ve believed it was Lane Kiffin’s first year.  Now, almost ten years later, I can assure you that fading this team has been a good strategy for a long time and will continue to be so.  Also, Tennessee gave up 557 yards at home to Bowling Green last week.  God knows what kind of number the Sooners are going to hang on Rocky Top…

Memphis -12 at Kansas

I don’t  know what on Earth that lardass Charlie Weis was doing up in Kansas the past few years, but good god did he make one hell of a team to fade.  This might be the worst team in division 1 football right now.  Last week, they lost to South Dakota State.  At home.  For most of the game, it wasn’t even close…  Meanwhile, Memphis took care of business against Missouri State with a 63-7 victory.  Granted, it was Missouri State, but a 56 point victory against them is a 1,000 times better performance than any type of loss to FCS South. Dakota. State…  Hammer the Tigers tonight and light up some cigars as you watch them steamroll Kansas.

Rice +14.5 at Texas

Did anybody see Texas-Notre Dame last week?  Or any Texas games last under Charlie Strong?  Here’s a quick summary – Texas suuuuuccckkksss!!!  Honestly, with an over/under of 2 more weeks until Charlie Strong is fired, I would probably take the under.  He’s a great defensive coach, but his offensive incompetency is being exposed right now and there’s no Teddy Bridgewater available to bail him out.  Quite the opposite, actually, as Tyrone Swoopes’s horrendous play is only exacerbating the schematic deficiencies at hand.  Rice is a veteran team that has been looking forward to this game all offseason, and I seriously give them a 50/50 shot to win outright.  Definitely hammer them on the spread (at least double units), and then if you can find a moneyline available anywhere you should definitely put at least a quarter unit down on that.

Michigan State -5.5 vs Oregon

This line started at 3.5 and I would lying if I said I wasn’t annoyed by the movement so far, but I’m still pretty confident in Michigan State blowing out Oregon tonight.  Michigan State had Oregon on the ropes in Eugene last year, only to see the college god himself Marcus Mariota put his immortality on display in the last twenty minutes.  Oregon’s new QB, Vernon Adams Jr., won’t be able to do that.  Not only is he not nearly as good as Mariota, he hasn’t even been with the team for a full month since his transfer…  Oh, and he’s also hurt.  Unfortunately for the Ducks, the offense is the least of their concerns because their defense is flat out atrocious.  Honestly, does Helfrich even give two shits about that side of the field?  The national championship game was embarrassing enough, but giving up 549 yards to Eastern Washington last week is absolutely unacceptable for a top ten team.  It’s a safe bet for Michigan State to blow Oregon right out of their top ranked status.  As insufferable as those Spartans fans will be after tonight, place a large wager and take some solace in the fact that you will become a little bit more rich.

LSU -4 at Mississippi State

The Bulldogs won this matchup last year during their 8 week cock tease of convincing us they were elite.  In reality, they caught the SEC in a down year last year.  Part of the reason or that was because LSU was stuck with a ton of freshman and sophomores as first year starters on the field.  You could see a huge improvement from them as the year went on, and they will be a lot more talented and mature tonight than they were last year.  Mississippi State, on the other hand, graduated all of their good players except for their overrated quarterback.  When LSU hands them their own asses tonight, we’ll be able to safely nestle the Bulldogs right back to their status quo as an afterthought team.  Oh, and we’ll get richer in the process by betting on LSU.

If you’ve been following my college picks so far, you know that I never lose.  So instead of being poor and working every day, you should instead pour (ha) your savings into my picks this weekend and free yourself!

Morning games…

UTSA +16.5 at Kansas State

UTSA is my favorite team to bet on.  Don’t know who they are?  Here’s a few facts…  (1) they’re in their fifth year as a program (2) they’re in San Antonio and recruit sneaky kind of good talent (3) Larry Coker coaches them.  Yes, the same Larry Coker that won a national championship and a Bear Bryant award at the U.

Last year, they almost beat Arizona in the opener and then beat Houston on the road in week 2 before injuries derailed their season.  This year, they started at Arizona and kept the game close all the way to the end.  Today, they go to Kansas State and face a reeling Wildcats team that is down their starting QB and RB.  And they’re getting over two touchdowns?  Bet on them!

Michigan -13 vs Oregon St.

Yes, I talked a lot of shit about Michigan last week (and won my fade on them), and yes their quarterback fucking blows, but this is still a great day to bet on Michigan.  Oregon State was only up 6-0 at halftime against Weber State last week.  And that was at home.  Today, they’re traveling all the way to the big house to face one of the most electric crowds we’ll see all year for Harbaugh’s home opener.  When you also consider the fact that Jabrill Peppers and Michigan’s defense looked outstanding last week, and that Oregon State’s true freshman QB is making his first ever start on the road in this atmosphere, this has the making for a Michigan blowout that we will get rich off of.

Wisconsin -31 vs. Miami Ohio

There are many things Wisconsin does poorly, such as passing, recruiting good black players that are not running backs, and having fans that are not obese.  I will admit though, they can do some things very well, and that is running and beating the shit out of garbage teams at home.  Today they’re playing a garbage team that gave up over 6 yards per carry last year.  This has the making of a 40+ point blowout.

Afternoon games…

Minnesota -4.5 at Colorado State

In the preseason, this game was at -8 for Minnesota.  Why it’s gone down over three points, I have no idea.  Minnesota actually looked pretty good against TCU last week and will probably be in the Big Ten championship game.  Colorado State is not good.  I expect a big Minnesota victory.

Virginia +13 vs Notre Dame

This line started at 6.5 last week and nearly doubled because of Notre Dame’s blowout of Texas last week.  But we need to remember, Texas fucking sucks (more on this in the next post).  Virginia is a good home team and they upset both Louisville and Miami at home last year.  Notre Dame also has a huge matchup against Georgia Tech that they’ll bee looking ahead to.  Take the double digit home dawg.

Georgia Tech -30.5 vs Tulane

Georgia Tech might be the most underrated team in the country right now.  They have an unbelievable running game, an outstanding coach, and are definitely winning the ACC.  Tulane is horrendous.  They gave up over 200 yards and lost by 30 at home to Duke last week.  Expect the results to be even worse at Georgia Tech today.

Arkansas -21 vs Toledo

I love this game.  Arkansas is going to absolutely annihilate Toledo today.  Bielema loves to run up the score against bad teams (Toledo is in the MAC, and Arkansas beat MAC champion Northern Illinois by 38 last year), and Toledo is not looking good this year.  They don’t have one single returning starter on their offensive line, and only had a 16-7 at home against lowly Stony Brook last week.  Bet on the Hogs to roll.

So last night was pretty chill.  For those of you who missed out, we won money because I picked correctly like I always do.  Might as well continue this never ending hot streak with some soccer betting, so here goes…

Everton +.5 (-125) vs Chelsea

With the exception of an opening week draw to Watford, Everton has looked really good this year.  Chelsea, on the other hand, might be off to the worst start of any defending champion, and they certainly haven’t looked good enough to be laying goals on the road to top half teams.  Everton striker Romelu Lukaku will also be chomping at the bit to score some goals and avenge Mourinho for kicking him to the curb a couple years ago (and now ironically Chelsea is desperate for another striker).  With Everton at home in this game, I fully expect them to pull off at least a draw.

Stoke City +1.5 (+105) at Arsenal

Chelsea is not the only overhyped team that has been blowing ass throughout the first month of the year.  Arsenal has also been sucking, and fortunately for us, they’re laying 1.5 goals against a veteran Stoke squad.  This Arsenal team lost 2-0 at home to West Ham and only beat Crystal Palace and Newcastle by one, bet on them to not be able to blow out Stoke.

Swansea City PK (-115) at Watford

Swansea City +165 (3W ML) at Watford

Swansea is my favorite bet in the EPL right now.  They were contending for the Champions League last year until the January transfer window came up and they had to sell off their best players to keep from being too poor.  It looks like they are going along the same path this year.  Since it’s not January yet, they are good and we should gamble on them.  Swansea was also at PK and then a +245 three way moneyline at ManU in their last game.  I won a lot of money on that, but unfortunately wasn’t blogging soccer picks at the time (sorry fans).  Not making that mistake today though…  ManU is one of the richest clubs in the world, and Watford was in the 2nd division last year.  I don’t think Swansea will have any trouble with these bums.

To manage your money with this bet, I suggest making two separate bets (one on the spread and one on the three way moneyline) that are both a little more than half of your normal unit for soccer bets.  For example, I bet $300 on every soccer game.  For this game, I bet $200 on the spread and another $200 on the moneyline.  I then call a coke dealer (for a friend) about 10 minutes after victory.

Cheers!

I don’t consider myself a gambling addict, but I sure as hell am addicted to winning.  That’s why I placed a bet on Utah State +12 at Utah in the “Battle of the Brothers”.  I did say last week that Utah was awesome at home, and we did end up winning big on them, but it still wasn’t the dominant performance I would expect from a team that is laying double digit points against an in-state rival.  If Utah didn’t pick six that god awful Iowa kid under center for Michigan, this line tonight is absolutely in the single digits.

These two teams did not play last year, but Utah needed a 4th quarter comeback to pull out a 30-26 victory in 2013.  In 2012, Utah State won outright.  I think it’s more probable than not that Utah will win, but I am absolutely backing Utah State to at least keep this close with their senior QB and a very stout defense.

So I don’t mean to brag.  Well, actually yes I do…  I have been crushing gambling picks for all of you throughout the summer, and we only picked up more steam with a flaming hot start to college football last week.  Call a homicide detective, because I have been flat out murdering!!

If you haven’t realized by now that you should be trusting your life savings with my picks, then you are not only stupid, but you’re probably a poor person and that really sucks for you.

Now for my loyal followers who want another double up on their bank account balances, follow me with this 3 team, 10 point teaser…

Patriots vs Steelers (+3)

Dolphins at Redskins (+6)

Vikings at 49ers (+7.5)

I love it.  We start tonight with the pissed off world champions getting a field goal at home.  The Pats have line issues, but the Steelers are without their best player in Bell, a very important receiver in Bryant, and have secondary concerns out the ass.  Then, we get Suh and the Dolphins defense traveling to Washington to stomp down on what might be the worst team in the league this year.  If they’re not the worst team, then San Francisco certainly is, and we’re getting a touchdown with one of the most underrated young teams in the league.

Book this shit right now and start laughing your way to the bank.

Remember back in the day when so many people thought Drew Storen was getting screwed over?  Remember when people were saying that Drew Storen had turned a corner and it was safe to ignore things as frightening as this?

I think we can finally put all that to rest now.

Believe it or not, with a four game deficit and their three top pitchers slated to start during this week’s homestand, the Nats had a legit shot at putting themselves right smack dab in the hunt for the NL East crown.  A sweep would pretty much put them in the drivers seat with the Mets facing a tough three game series against the Yankees and another three games against the Nats at Citi Field to close the season out.  Even two out of three would make the Nats the favorites in most people’s eyes.

After Scherzer shat the bed for Washington in the Monday opener, the Nats had a six run lead going into the 7th and finally starting looking like a playoff team.  That is, until our favorite whittle cwy-baby took the mound and did what he does best when pressure is on – fuck his team over…

With two outs, bases loaded, and a crucial four run lead, Storen gives up a double, three straight walks, and lets four runs go up on the board.  Just a horrible performance from somebody who bitched so much about getting his closer job supplanted by one of the most clutch relievers of all time.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, here’s what Storen did last night…

Wow.  This just never stops…  I’ve never seen an athlete, especially an athlete that is playing for a contract, let his play drop off so dramatically after throwing such a huge hissy fit.  Watching this trainwreck never gets too old.

Speaking of crybabies, get a load of this shit from Bryce Harper on Monday…

Are you kidding me?  Nats fans are shelling out for some of the most expensive tickets in baseball only to see their cocky ass team fall short of their Vegas win projections by double digits.  And then we see a player complaining about the fans?  Damn…

I’m not sure what is dumber…  Saying something like that about customers that are paying so generously for your mediocrity, or dumping a broad as hot as Nina Agdal only to see her rebound with Mike Trout…

By the way, now that the Nats officially suck, can we all agree that the whole chocolate syrup thing from last spring was the dumbest tradition of all time?

I’m not sure it’s possible to have any doubters by now after the summer we had, but those of you smart enough to trust my word must be happy as fuck with all the boatloads of money made from last night’s pick.

I can’t believe all those silly Michigan fans bet that line to under a touchdown. Did they really think a reject Iowa qb could hack it on the road against a pac-12 title contender? Gtf outta here michigan. Harbaugh is a god but even he needs some time to turn Hoke’s trainwreck around.

On to this weekend… A lot of the lines I liked the most have moved by a few points and that is annoying, but there is a still a very good teaser opportunity that gives us a safe, conservative path to more riches. You wanna place a 4 team, 13 point teaser on the following games…

Boise St vs Washington (+1)
Alabama vs Wisconsin (-.5)
Auburn vs Louisville (+2)
Ohio State at Virginia Tech (-1)

This gives us four playoff contenders at basically pick em lines against unranked teams. It really doesn’t get much easier than this. We have Boise State and their 20+ returning starters on a Friday night on their blue turf. We have Nick Saban against a horrible Wisconsin team with the most fragile-minded qb in college history. We have the trendy pick for the SEC title at home against unranked Louisville. And finally we’re only giving up one point with the best coach in college history with what might be his best team ever. Fuck man that’s too easy.

I also really like Bowling Green +22 at Tennessee. They hung tough in the same game last year with their backup quarterback and have a ton of returning starters.