Royals -134 vs Astros

The Royals are awesome at home and have Ventura ready to rock this postseason.  The Astros are a pedestrian road team and McHugh doesn’t scare me one bit.

Washington +17 at USC

Chris Peterson is one of the best coaches in all of college football and he’s getting this Washington rounded into form.  They almost pulled an outright upset at Boise State in week 1, and they held their own against Jared Goff and Cal in their last game.  They’re coming off a bye week and I expect them to surprise a lot of people tonight.  Also, USC is a fraud team.  They’re not covering by three scores.

Colts +5.5 at Texans

You have to be a huge fucking degen even beyond my level to place a wager on this dumpster fire of a game tonight.  However, if you must, take all the points that the Colts are getting with the public overreaction to the Luck injury.  Yes, the Colts are much worse off without Luck, but the Texans still suck and shouldn’t be laying this many points against what is still a veteran team.

Greg Hardy hasn’t been making any new friends in the media lately, but he has a fan in me.  Let’s review some of his most controversial quotes since his arrival in Dallas and figure out which one got me to turn…

In May, he tweeted this joke out to a Panthers fan…

That’s actually kind of fucked up.  Greg can do better.

In his first interview after completing his suspension, he said this about getting back on the field…

I hope I come out guns blazing.

Haha get it?  Get the irony?  It’s because he ‘allegedly’ threw his girlfriend on top of a pile of loaded guns.

Here he is this week talking about Tom Brady…

I love Tom Brady, he’s cool as crap.  Have you seen his wife?  I hope she comes to the game.  I hope her sister comes to the game, all her friends come to the game.  One of my favorite games of the year, guys.

Nice.  If you’re not out there trying to impress the girls, what kind of player are you?

Here he is later during the same interview after being told Blake Bortles’s girlfriend is smoking hot…

Is she?  This kind of information is important.  That’s how I select my Pro Bowls.

Winner!!  Some people that would be a stupid way to select pro bowlers.  Those people obviously haven’t seen Lindsey Duke before…

Mel Kiper Jr. had Duke Williams as the top rated senior WR this year.  He could’ve been a first round pick last year, but he decided to stay at Auburn to complete some ‘unfinished business’.  When you get suspended for a bowl game and then see your team humiliate the SEC by losing to a god awful Wisconsin squad, it must leave a pretty bitter taste in your mouth…

Since the time of his announcement to return, he has…

-Sent out cryptic teenage girl tweets about how he wants to leave Auburn

-Got suspended again and then benched upon his return

-Led his offense to almost lose to fucking Jacksonville State and remain winless in the SEC

-Get kicked off the team for good after fighting bouncers over a dress code

Even though he’s the most disappointing player on the most disappointing team in SEC history, he’s got a fuck ton of talent.  So who is going to fuck up and draft this guaranteed bust?  I’ve set some odds below…

Ravens (4:1)

The Ravens seem addicted to busting on receivers.  With Breshad Perriman day-to-day for three months straight now and Torrey Smith continuing to underwhelm even on a new team, they might as well roll the dice and hope the third dumb draft pick will end up a charm.

Bills (2.5:1)

Honestly the perfect team for him.  He’ll fit right into the bully culture they’re trying to build.  And as Patrick Kane will tell you, athletes can’t get in trouble in Buffalo.

Browns (7:1)

The most receiver starved team in the league.  They could draft Williams and then hope that every year either he or Josh Gordon will manage to stay out of trouble and then they can have at least one good receiver.

Colts (9:1)

Because Ryan Grigson loves wasting high draft picks on backup receivers instead of putting together a line that can do the least bit of blocking for his prized quarterback.

Cowboys (6.5:1)

America’s Team wouldn’t be complete without a star receiver that is out getting in trouble with the law every weekend.  Dez Bryant is crazy, but he is a good person.  Duke Williams would be the true prick that makes this team whole again.

The Blue Jays are the World Series favorites at 3:1 right now, and honestly it should be more like 1:3.  If you’re thinking about betting on any team to beat them, you should enter a mental asylum with other retarded mentally handicapped people because your mind is not cut out for free society.

They have the most devastating 1-9 lineup since the Yankees were at their peak.  They have David Price, Marcus Stroman, RA Dickey and a great back end of their bullpen.  They have a +221 run differential that is twice as big as any other team in the majors.

They are insane at home, not only because they crush so many long balls there but also because visitors are still learning how to field on the stupid turf that they use.  The AL won the All-Star game, so whatever NL team makes the World Series is fucked without home field advantage.

As for who that NL team will be, I say it’s the winner of the DeGrom-Kershaw showdown on Friday night.  The Mets have the nastiest top to bottom rotation while the Dodgers have the best one-two since Schilling and Johnson carried the D-Backs to a title.    I personally think the winner of that game and series will be the Mets because the Dodgers offense is almost non-existent.

B Jays over Mets.  Bet on it.

It really fucking sucks that Pittsburgh had to go down tonight. The Cubs have one of the most insufferable fanbases in sports just lying dormant and it needs to be shut the fuck down before it can wake up.

Arrietta is a beast but he was hittable tonight and definitely could’ve been beat. Unfortunately, the Buccos didn’t look like the cold hard killers that we saw walking off the Cards over and over again on primetime tv and mowing down the Mets. And the reason they didn’t is because Kang was out. He was insane this year and Arrietta definitely would’ve posted a couple 1s or 2s on his side of the board if he had to pitch to both Kang and McCutchen within single frames…

And that is bullshit. This injury was fucking retarded and it definitely needs to be gone from the game. I love violence in sports, but never once in my life have I gotten out of my chair and cheered for a dirty slide like this in baseball…

The danger to entertainment ratio in that type of play is the highest in sports by far. Clean that shit up Rob Manfred.

Under 5.5 was chill though

With the Bennett brothers grabbing headlines this week, I think it’s a good time to analyze which one is more bro.  Let’s start with their recent tweets…

Winner: Martellus

Michael lost this round more than Martellus won it.  The anti-Dallas sentiment from Michael here makes him sound like a salty Houston native that can never get past his little brother syndrome despite all the wealth and success attained throughout his NFL career.  That’s sad.  Houston is sad.

Next, let’s take a look at their all-time greatest media quotes.  Here is Martellus during his 2012 training camp with the Giants…

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, I’m faster than I’ve ever been.  I could run all day.  I’m kind of like a black unicorn out there.  It’s amazing to watch.  You go out there and you see a big, black guy running down the field, it’s usually me.

Ahh nice.  Now let’s recall Michael’s gold from his post Super Bowl interview last February, when asked if he was shocked by the Russell Wilson interception…

About as shocked as your wife when she saw your penis for the first time.  Because it’s small.

Oohhhh boom roasted!

Winner – Michael

Now for the ultimate tiebreaker, let’s reexamine the Black Olympics from 2009…

Winner – Martellus

What the fuck…  Michael cheated in every fucking contest!  He didn’t finish all of his chicken, he started drinking his Kool-Aid too early, and then he got disqualified during the watermelon race.  It’s fitting that he’s a Seahawk.

So news is out now that CC Sabathia is checking into alcohol rehab at the worst possible time for the Yankees, and somehow he is getting praise all over the internet for abandoning his team. These simpletons are dumb for two reasons…

(1) Everybody in the majors is an alcoholic.  Okay, maybe just every American in the majors is an alcoholic.  Running away to a rehab facility to cure some ‘disease’ the day before the postseason starts is unacceptable.

(2) Partially related to #1, there is definitely a bigger story going on here.  Sabathia has been one of the biggest competitors in the game ever since he carried the Brewers to the playoffs by pitching all of his games on three days rest in a contract year.  No way he can’t hold off treatment for his ‘disease’ for one more month.  He definitely got into a drunk driving or domestic violence incident involving manslaughter or some other fucked up injuries to another person.

I can’t imagine how violently George Steinbrenner is rolling in his grave right now.  If The Boss was still alive, he would 100% have buried and silenced whatever victims of CC are out there without any loss in playing time involved.  His kids, however, are clearly failing the family name.  Instead of getting this story buried deep enough to have a lefty staple in their playoff rotation, they’re stuck paying $182 million for a pitcher to get ‘alcoholism treatment’ tonight.  All of that on top of the $153 million utility outfielder on their payroll…  What a wonderful legacy.

 

As for the game tonight, I still love the Yankees at even money.  No way are the Astros going to walk into Yankee Stadium and not choke this game away the same way they choked away their enormous division lead over the past two months.

Tanaka has had an up-and-down year, but this is the exact moment that you sign big name Japanese aces for.  He’ll muster up enough zen power to keep his team in the game long enough to get to the best shutdown bullpen in the majors.  Dallas Keuchel has been great at home this year, but pretty average on the road.  It’s also a cold night, which does not bode well for a Houston offense that depends on home runs.

This is easy money worthy of doubling your paycheck on.

8-5 on college yesterday. What up haters.

Dolphins +2.5

Texans +6.5

Giants +6

Bears +3

Chiefs +4

Jags +9

Bucs +3

Skins +3

Chargers -7

Vikings +7

Rams +7

Niners +9

Cowboys +3

Lions +10

Here are some gambling locks to help you get loaded today.  12-10 on the season so far after a recent slump, but it’s still a winning record we’re about to go on a tear.

Morning Hangover Cures

Oklahoma -6 vs West Virginia

WVU has played vs Georgia Southern, vs Liberty, and vs Maryland this year.  So not only is this their first road game, it’s also their first game against any team that’s worth a shit.  OU’s defense will suffocate the Mountaineers and Baker Mayfield will score enough to cover.  This spread should be at least ten but for some reason the bookmakers price it like it’s in Morgantown.  The fuck outta here…

TCU -14 vs Texas

Texas does finally have a quarterback in Juice Heard and they’re starting to suck a lot less lately, but they still suck way too much to stay within two scores on the road against a playoff team and a Heisman contender QB.

Army +26 at Penn State

Not saying I’m actually going to watch, but this spread is flat out stupid and I’m definitely going to gamble and win on it.  Penn State has been anything but dominant this year and opened up their season with a 17 point loss to Temple, but their laying nearly four TDs against a triple option team?  That is fucking retarded.

Louisville +3 at NC State

Again, no interest in seeing too much of this game outside of commercial breaks for the more fun games, but I love Bobby Petrino and Louisville getting points in this situation.  The Wolfpack have had nothing but cupcakes on their schedule, while Louisville nutted up and started their season with Auburn, Houston, and Clemson.  Louisville also has an underrated defense and they’ll definitely keep this game within a field goal.

Afternoon Day Drinking

Alabama +2 at Georgia

Nick Saban is getting points after a loss?  It’s against a choke artist like Mark Richt and not Urban Meyer?  And people really think Alabama has a chance of losing?  Holy shit, sign me up for that money faucet!  But Georgia has Nick Chubbs…  Guess who is not scared at all?  Me.

Georgia Tech -7.5 vs North Carolina

It sucks that Georgia Tech lost to Duke last week, but they’re returning home to pound the shit out of a garbage UNC squad and they’ll be back on top of the coastal conference in no time.

Kansas State +7 at Oklahoma State

Oklahoma State is one of the most overrated ranked teams I have ever seen.  They struggled against all of their early season cupcakes.  Then they played Texas last week, which technically I would still consider a cupcake, and got bailed out when the Longhorns shanked a punt for 7 yards to set up a chip shot game winning field goal.  Now they’re laying a touchdown against Bill Snyder?  Fade the FUCK out of the that!  The +250 moneyline is also good here.

Texas Tech/Baylor Under 90.5

There’s a new all time record for a totals line, fuck yeah!  How could we not gamble on it?  Our boy Mahomes of Texas Tech is questionable with a knee injury, and I expect issues with pain combined with pressure of being on the road to cause of a few of their drives to stall and keep this total under 90.  It’s gonna feel so great to experience history while making money at the same time.

Primetime Profits

Ole Miss -7 at Florida

Ole Miss is the best team in the SEC.  Their defense is fucking insane. Florida, despite their improvement, still sucks.  Also, everyone on the team has the flu.  Chad Kelly is the fucking truth and his Johnny Manziel 2.0 tour continues with a romp at the swamp.

Arkansas +7 at Tennessee

As I just noted, Florida sucks.  Who just lost to Florida?  Tennessee.  Who is the most overrated team in the SEC?  Tennessee.  People want Tennessee to be good so badly, and they’re always overrated through October because of it, but that doesn’t ever keep Tennessee from sucking.  Arkansas has struggled lately, but it’s been against good teams and they are still talented.  I’ll take the touchdown with them.

Mississippi St +4 at Texas A&M

The Aggies have talent.  Their QB Kyle Allen is good, and their freshman sensation at WR Christian Kirk is unreal.  However, the talent at this program is still too raw.  Also, I’m pretty sure Kevin Sumlin keeps putting in freshman QB Kyler Murray because of recruiting promises he made to keep him from bolting to Texas, and it keeps fucking up their offense.  The Bulldogs obviously have their question marks this year but they still have Dak Prescott and a sensational coaching staff and that’s enough for me to take the points with them.

UCLA -14 vs Arizona State

Arizona State is looking to be one of the biggest disappointments of the season, and UCLA looks primed to win the Pac-12.  UCLA’s elite defense will lead this rout in the Rose Bowl.

Notre Dame +3 at Clemson

Here we go…  The biggest matchup of the weekend.  Time for Clemson to show the nation how good they are with a big time victory at home, right?  FUCKING WRONG!  Clemson always loses their big games.  They got blown out at home by Florida State two years ago.  They lost to FSU’s shitty backup quarterback last year.  And now they’re playing a team with a defense half filled with NFL prospects, and they’re giving points?  Fuuuccckkk that.

Also, has anybody actually seen Deshaun Watson play this year?  He’s the most overrated player in college football.  He can run, but he can’t throw for shit and that’s kind of important for the quarterback position…  Take the points and watch Brian Kelly’s defense shut his ass down.

Nighttime

Tease Stanford to -4 and Oregon to -.5

An NFL franchise in London is becoming closer and closer to reality.  Earlier this week, Jets and Dolphins owners Woody Johnson and Stephen Ross met with British treasury chief George Osbourne this week to discuss future plans of a relocation and next steps regarding any financial and tax related barriers.  The consensus from both sides was that a London-based team would come into existence within an ideal time of 5-6 years.

I understand that most Amurrican fans would react with a big ‘FUCK THAT!’ to this news, but I say chill the fuck out.  Just because we have better sports and athletes doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t ever express our dominance overseas.  In addition, this is an invaluable opportunity for America to attain some much needed international goodwill by teaching others about our superior athletic customs.  For example…

1. Steroids

All those smug little Euros think they’re hot shit with the sport of rugby because they “don’t need pads”, but they’ll get their comeuppance when they see just how big and fast our athletes are and how hard they can hit.  I can just imagine their reactions…  “Blimey!  How is it even possible to create such a human beast!?”  Well buddy, we’re not pussies about steroids over here, and that makes our players awesome.

2. Overtime

Sports is supposed to be all about competition, and what kind of competition ends in a tie?  Europeans have sports that regularly end in ‘draws’, and they’ll quickly realize the errors of their ways when they learn about this novel concept we have called ‘overtime’.

3. College Sports

Europeans develop their athletes in boring ass youth academies.  By learning about football, they might get bright enough to develop their athletes through a badass collegiate sporting structure full of tailgate blackout parties and smoking hot slampieces all throughout the stands.

4. Trash Talk

As a former scrub high school athlete, I can assure you there is nothing more intimidating in sports than a black counterpart with superior athletic ability getting into your head with fierce African-American trash talk.  Unfortunately, Europeans don’t get to witness any of this.  In fact, if you are a soccer player and you score a goal against your former team, you’re not allowed to celebrate.  The fuck is that shit?  By the end of their first NFL season, Londoners will finally realize that what they’ve been calling ‘poor sportsmanship’ has actually just been great ‘attitude and leadership’.  Within a year after that, Mario Balotelli will be back tearing up the EPL without all the haters weighing him down.

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Now, many might view these takes of mine as xenophobic.  To that I say chill the fuck out.  As much as I love all of the things that make America superior to the rest of the world, I also understand that there are many things that we could learn from Europeans…

1. No More Commercials

Fuck commercials.  For everything else on TV, sitting through commercial breaks is only for the poors that can’t afford HBO or DVRs.  With American sports, however, you have to sit there like a fucking low class dreg every ten minutes and listen to some god damn spiel about DraftKings.  Europeans, to their credit, don’t put up with that shit.  Hopefully that cultural norm of theirs finally diffuses its way back stateside.

2. Hooliganism

Enough said.

3. No Player Interviews

In soccer, only coaches give interviews after the games and not players.  It’s a much better system.  Seriously, imagine a world in which you could scan internet articles or flip on SportsCenter after a big game and not get force fed a bunch of bullshit comments from LeBron James.  I know my blood would be boiling on a much less regular basis.

3. The Metric System

The metric system is fucking retarded for temperature.  For volume, its similar enough to ours that I don’t give a shit about having a preference between the two.  For distance, however, football might be better off with a conversion.  The field size and first down length would increase by about 10%.  This would be a great solution to help prevent all these new spread tactics from making defense obsolete.  Field goals would become valuable and important again.  And coffin corner punting might make a comeback!  Actually, nah, I know what you’re thinking and you’re right.  Fuck it.