First, Seattle stole away Pete Carroll to build a badass NFL team.  (It helps that the NFL is much lighter on cheating than the NCAA).  Then, that same team crushed the collective souls of the Bay Area and sent the Niners to the cellar of the league.  Now, as we saw last night, Seattle may have pulled off an even greater coup in the college ranks.

SI’s Pete Thamel put together an excellent scorch job this morning to show just how badly USC has been fucking up…

Chris Petersen, then at Boise State, interviewed for the USC job following the 2013 season. The USC brass dismissed Petersen as not dynamic enough and too unwilling to handle the media and booster obligations that go hand-in-hand with the biggest football job in Los Angeles.

So USC athletic director Pat Haden went back to the Win Forever well, hiring Steve Sarkisian from Washington as a replacement for his old co-offensive coordinator, Lane Kiffin.

But perhaps more tellingly, USC hired a familiar face from USC’s Never Never Land—a time that USC officials remember more for the wins and attention than the cheating and NCAA sanctions that followed. After a program defining loss filled with bad penalties and questionable game management, it’s clear that USC’s decision to hire Sarkisian​ has left the Trojans stuck in the past, like Uncle Rico chasing state.

[…]

When considering Sarkisian versus Petersen, USC picked hoodies over khakis, sideline volatility over serenity and a coach who has proven he can win on signing day as opposed to league play. USC took Sarkisian with his 35–29 record at Washington over Petersen’s 92–12 at Boise. USC took style over substance, sizzle over steak. They took the comfort of Uncle Pete’s coaching tree over the proven acumen of Coach Pete. While those records are not apples to apples comparisons, we’ve learned at USC that there’s something to be said for having received a driver’s license before taking over a Cadillac program. And, no, winning the Holiday Bowl doesn’t count.

Yeah, wonderful work USC…  Lane Kiffin turned out to be a disaster, so let’s go right the ship with his former co-offensive coordinator.  His team at Washington sucks, but he used to coach for Pete Carroll so of course he’ll just magically become better when he gets to Los Angeles…

Meanwhile, Seattle gets to dump ‘Seven Win Sark’ for one of the best coaches of this entire era.  The same coach that wanted to be at USC, but didn’t have a dynamic enough media personality to handle ‘the biggest football program in Los Angeles’.  Ahhh poor Chris Peterson…  If only he was more willing to get plastered before speaking at booster events, he could’ve been qualified to coach in LA instead of having to slum it up in Seattle.

BTW – called it!

Does everybody know what we’re playing for now? I mean, you get a tweak and you got to leave the game. You take a knee to the head, and you’ve got a helmet on, and you gotta leave the game to go take a test that you pass. I mean, because you’re a little light-headed?

I got light-headed how many times in my career? I still went out there and played. I guess it’s just different from when I played to when they’re playing today, Frank. I can’t see you sliding into second there and leaving the game, I really can’t.

Oh boy.  How much fucking money did Pete Rose lose?  It’s not like he’s wrong here though…  It’s the most important Blue Jays game in 22 years, and the MVP wants to screw over his team in order to get a concussion test (that he passed).  That is flat out unacceptable.

And this is baseball, not football.  In football, you take a guy out because there are head collisions on every single play.  In baseball, your head gets touched maybe once a week at most.  Even if it was football, you still have to hide your concussions when it’s the fucking playoffs.  I didn’t see anybody complaining last year when Russell Wilson and Julian Edelman stuck it out for their teams in far more dangerous positions than baseball third baseman…

Donaldson wasn’t going to bat for at least another 30 minutes.  If you want your test so badly, go play third base for a half inning, field maybe one or two balls at most, and then go get your test in the next inning.

Unfortunately for Rose and all other Blue Jays backers in Vegas, Donaldson has the heart of a division winner and not the heart of a champion.

Royals -134 vs Astros

The Royals are awesome at home and have Ventura ready to rock this postseason.  The Astros are a pedestrian road team and McHugh doesn’t scare me one bit.

Washington +17 at USC

Chris Peterson is one of the best coaches in all of college football and he’s getting this Washington rounded into form.  They almost pulled an outright upset at Boise State in week 1, and they held their own against Jared Goff and Cal in their last game.  They’re coming off a bye week and I expect them to surprise a lot of people tonight.  Also, USC is a fraud team.  They’re not covering by three scores.

Colts +5.5 at Texans

You have to be a huge fucking degen even beyond my level to place a wager on this dumpster fire of a game tonight.  However, if you must, take all the points that the Colts are getting with the public overreaction to the Luck injury.  Yes, the Colts are much worse off without Luck, but the Texans still suck and shouldn’t be laying this many points against what is still a veteran team.

Greg Hardy hasn’t been making any new friends in the media lately, but he has a fan in me.  Let’s review some of his most controversial quotes since his arrival in Dallas and figure out which one got me to turn…

In May, he tweeted this joke out to a Panthers fan…

That’s actually kind of fucked up.  Greg can do better.

In his first interview after completing his suspension, he said this about getting back on the field…

I hope I come out guns blazing.

Haha get it?  Get the irony?  It’s because he ‘allegedly’ threw his girlfriend on top of a pile of loaded guns.

Here he is this week talking about Tom Brady…

I love Tom Brady, he’s cool as crap.  Have you seen his wife?  I hope she comes to the game.  I hope her sister comes to the game, all her friends come to the game.  One of my favorite games of the year, guys.

Nice.  If you’re not out there trying to impress the girls, what kind of player are you?

Here he is later during the same interview after being told Blake Bortles’s girlfriend is smoking hot…

Is she?  This kind of information is important.  That’s how I select my Pro Bowls.

Winner!!  Some people that would be a stupid way to select pro bowlers.  Those people obviously haven’t seen Lindsey Duke before…

Mel Kiper Jr. had Duke Williams as the top rated senior WR this year.  He could’ve been a first round pick last year, but he decided to stay at Auburn to complete some ‘unfinished business’.  When you get suspended for a bowl game and then see your team humiliate the SEC by losing to a god awful Wisconsin squad, it must leave a pretty bitter taste in your mouth…

Since the time of his announcement to return, he has…

-Sent out cryptic teenage girl tweets about how he wants to leave Auburn

-Got suspended again and then benched upon his return

-Led his offense to almost lose to fucking Jacksonville State and remain winless in the SEC

-Get kicked off the team for good after fighting bouncers over a dress code

Even though he’s the most disappointing player on the most disappointing team in SEC history, he’s got a fuck ton of talent.  So who is going to fuck up and draft this guaranteed bust?  I’ve set some odds below…

Ravens (4:1)

The Ravens seem addicted to busting on receivers.  With Breshad Perriman day-to-day for three months straight now and Torrey Smith continuing to underwhelm even on a new team, they might as well roll the dice and hope the third dumb draft pick will end up a charm.

Bills (2.5:1)

Honestly the perfect team for him.  He’ll fit right into the bully culture they’re trying to build.  And as Patrick Kane will tell you, athletes can’t get in trouble in Buffalo.

Browns (7:1)

The most receiver starved team in the league.  They could draft Williams and then hope that every year either he or Josh Gordon will manage to stay out of trouble and then they can have at least one good receiver.

Colts (9:1)

Because Ryan Grigson loves wasting high draft picks on backup receivers instead of putting together a line that can do the least bit of blocking for his prized quarterback.

Cowboys (6.5:1)

America’s Team wouldn’t be complete without a star receiver that is out getting in trouble with the law every weekend.  Dez Bryant is crazy, but he is a good person.  Duke Williams would be the true prick that makes this team whole again.

The Blue Jays are the World Series favorites at 3:1 right now, and honestly it should be more like 1:3.  If you’re thinking about betting on any team to beat them, you should enter a mental asylum with other retarded mentally handicapped people because your mind is not cut out for free society.

They have the most devastating 1-9 lineup since the Yankees were at their peak.  They have David Price, Marcus Stroman, RA Dickey and a great back end of their bullpen.  They have a +221 run differential that is twice as big as any other team in the majors.

They are insane at home, not only because they crush so many long balls there but also because visitors are still learning how to field on the stupid turf that they use.  The AL won the All-Star game, so whatever NL team makes the World Series is fucked without home field advantage.

As for who that NL team will be, I say it’s the winner of the DeGrom-Kershaw showdown on Friday night.  The Mets have the nastiest top to bottom rotation while the Dodgers have the best one-two since Schilling and Johnson carried the D-Backs to a title.    I personally think the winner of that game and series will be the Mets because the Dodgers offense is almost non-existent.

B Jays over Mets.  Bet on it.

It really fucking sucks that Pittsburgh had to go down tonight. The Cubs have one of the most insufferable fanbases in sports just lying dormant and it needs to be shut the fuck down before it can wake up.

Arrietta is a beast but he was hittable tonight and definitely could’ve been beat. Unfortunately, the Buccos didn’t look like the cold hard killers that we saw walking off the Cards over and over again on primetime tv and mowing down the Mets. And the reason they didn’t is because Kang was out. He was insane this year and Arrietta definitely would’ve posted a couple 1s or 2s on his side of the board if he had to pitch to both Kang and McCutchen within single frames…

And that is bullshit. This injury was fucking retarded and it definitely needs to be gone from the game. I love violence in sports, but never once in my life have I gotten out of my chair and cheered for a dirty slide like this in baseball…

The danger to entertainment ratio in that type of play is the highest in sports by far. Clean that shit up Rob Manfred.

Under 5.5 was chill though

With the Bennett brothers grabbing headlines this week, I think it’s a good time to analyze which one is more bro.  Let’s start with their recent tweets…

Winner: Martellus

Michael lost this round more than Martellus won it.  The anti-Dallas sentiment from Michael here makes him sound like a salty Houston native that can never get past his little brother syndrome despite all the wealth and success attained throughout his NFL career.  That’s sad.  Houston is sad.

Next, let’s take a look at their all-time greatest media quotes.  Here is Martellus during his 2012 training camp with the Giants…

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, I’m faster than I’ve ever been.  I could run all day.  I’m kind of like a black unicorn out there.  It’s amazing to watch.  You go out there and you see a big, black guy running down the field, it’s usually me.

Ahh nice.  Now let’s recall Michael’s gold from his post Super Bowl interview last February, when asked if he was shocked by the Russell Wilson interception…

About as shocked as your wife when she saw your penis for the first time.  Because it’s small.

Oohhhh boom roasted!

Winner – Michael

Now for the ultimate tiebreaker, let’s reexamine the Black Olympics from 2009…

Winner – Martellus

What the fuck…  Michael cheated in every fucking contest!  He didn’t finish all of his chicken, he started drinking his Kool-Aid too early, and then he got disqualified during the watermelon race.  It’s fitting that he’s a Seahawk.

So news is out now that CC Sabathia is checking into alcohol rehab at the worst possible time for the Yankees, and somehow he is getting praise all over the internet for abandoning his team. These simpletons are dumb for two reasons…

(1) Everybody in the majors is an alcoholic.  Okay, maybe just every American in the majors is an alcoholic.  Running away to a rehab facility to cure some ‘disease’ the day before the postseason starts is unacceptable.

(2) Partially related to #1, there is definitely a bigger story going on here.  Sabathia has been one of the biggest competitors in the game ever since he carried the Brewers to the playoffs by pitching all of his games on three days rest in a contract year.  No way he can’t hold off treatment for his ‘disease’ for one more month.  He definitely got into a drunk driving or domestic violence incident involving manslaughter or some other fucked up injuries to another person.

I can’t imagine how violently George Steinbrenner is rolling in his grave right now.  If The Boss was still alive, he would 100% have buried and silenced whatever victims of CC are out there without any loss in playing time involved.  His kids, however, are clearly failing the family name.  Instead of getting this story buried deep enough to have a lefty staple in their playoff rotation, they’re stuck paying $182 million for a pitcher to get ‘alcoholism treatment’ tonight.  All of that on top of the $153 million utility outfielder on their payroll…  What a wonderful legacy.

 

As for the game tonight, I still love the Yankees at even money.  No way are the Astros going to walk into Yankee Stadium and not choke this game away the same way they choked away their enormous division lead over the past two months.

Tanaka has had an up-and-down year, but this is the exact moment that you sign big name Japanese aces for.  He’ll muster up enough zen power to keep his team in the game long enough to get to the best shutdown bullpen in the majors.  Dallas Keuchel has been great at home this year, but pretty average on the road.  It’s also a cold night, which does not bode well for a Houston offense that depends on home runs.

This is easy money worthy of doubling your paycheck on.

8-5 on college yesterday. What up haters.

Dolphins +2.5

Texans +6.5

Giants +6

Bears +3

Chiefs +4

Jags +9

Bucs +3

Skins +3

Chargers -7

Vikings +7

Rams +7

Niners +9

Cowboys +3

Lions +10