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Rangers 90:1 Is the Lottery Ticket of the Century

Wilbanks

This opening day is as good a time as any to remember that pre-trash can era, the Rangers dominated the American League. Not only did we make a mockery of the disastros in head to heads, but we cranked out division titles year after year as well as a bunch of 1 seeds and a couple pennants.

One strike away from a dynasty, twice, and then things fell apart over the course of seven whole years. Dynasty watch is always on the horizon in Texas though because Jon Daniels is still manning the helm. He was smart enough to rebuild the team while the competition was cheating, and now we come out the other side on a level playing field with a chance to make some serious noise this season.

If it isn’t clear enough by now – Rangers +9000 is the lottery ticket of the century. Keep in mind that through 60 games last year, we had a 32-28 record, good enough for second behind only the cheating disastros in the division and in the final wild card spot. That was without the expanded playoffs. Bet on the Rangers.

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The most exciting prospect of the new look Rangers is our 2nd year manager. Jon Daniels has an interesting yet very successful history of hiring managers… Ron Washington was the coolest cokehead ever, but ended up banging a Japanese reporter and had to resign. Banny Rooster led some heroic runs for us, but his offense analytics and John Wayne attitude quickly grew stale.

Currently with Chris Woodward, it seems we’ve found the sweet spot. He’s (almost) as charismatic as Washington, and his analytical background from the Dodgers is much smarter than anything Banny brought to us. It became clear last year that our rebuild would be accelerated under him, and our roster has only gotten better.

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Our rotation is no joke the greatest in Rangers history. Granted, that bar is very low. One single ace has made an above average Rangers rotation and that includes playoff years. This year, we have three in Kluber, Minor, and Lynn. THREE whole aces!

Our offense is always good and I have no doubt that will continue this season. Gallo was an MVP candidate before getting hurt midseason, and we have a rookie in Nick Solak who hit .293 in two months last year. He’s nasty and so is our offense with these two anchors.

The biggest question mark is the bullpen. It’s not very deep and we’re relying heavily on Jose Leclerc to give us something as closer. He’s got wicked stuff and was awesome in his first few seasons, but he was shaky last year after getting a big contract and a closer title. Hopefully he figures it out.

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Here’s a total list of my preseason futures bets:

  • Rangers World Series +9000
  • Rangers AL pennant +3300
  • Gallo AL MVP +5500
  • Gallo Most HRs +1500
  • Kluber AL Cy Young +1250
  • Darvish NL Cy Young +2500

Looking forward to not having to work next year

Rangers 90:1 Is the Lottery Ticket of the Century

Arch Manning and Lane Kiffin Will Save the State of Mississippi

Wilbanks, ,

For those of you that think Trevor Lawrence is the future of the NFL, I present to you the freshman season highlights of Arch Manning (son of Cooper).

He’s draft eligible in six years, which means the 2025 NFL season will be the most important tankathon in sports history. Owners need to take note and have their GMs manage rosters accordingly.

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In the meantime, we can start thinking about Ole Miss because he’s basically a lock to go there. Lane Kiffin has three years to recruit and develop a supporting cast worthy of riding Arch’s back. I think he’ll get the job done.

People like to rag on Lane, but he has the longest resume of any 45 year old coach ever and it’s not that bad of one. He always tried to bite off more than he could chew, eventually admitting himself into Saban rehab. It seems he emerged as a better and humble man because he did some pretty cool shit at FAU. He’s a proven genius on the offensive side, and he surely knows some defense too given that his father revolutionized the game.

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It’s safe to say Mississippians are staring down some glory years, and good for them honestly. Mississippi is the forgotten Deep South state in college football. They’ve flashed with the occasional Bama upset and the Dak years, but they’ve never had legit prestige. That’s all about to change in the 2020s.

It’s also good for Mississippi because they’re very poor and need money. You can look at the Crimson Tide as a case study for a college powerhouse transforming a state. Kids of the coastal elite who want to experience the south use football as a barometer for their college decisions, and that brings out-of-state tuition and commerce into the region.

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The Mannings have done so much to change football already, and their greatest legend might be just getting started. They are America’s new royal family much like the Kennedys used to be. Fortunately, we’ve progressed to a time where the Mannings won’t have to fear for their lives at Cowboys road games.

Arch Manning and Lane Kiffin Will Save the State of Mississippi

New Baseball Tradition Proposal – Disastros Day

Wilbanks,

The single worst consequence of Covid-season is the reprieve that the lying, cheating disastros get for their shame tour. Back in March, we were all hyped up to follow these scumbags across the country and boo their existence in every single road game. In this new reality, the best we can do is yell into an app that’s piped into the stadium speaker. It’s kind of funny and I’m definitely participating, but it’s not a close replacement at all.

It seems unfair that the perpetrators of the worst cheating scandal in sports history would luck out of their shame tour, but we as fans can still change that. This is why I propose a new baseball tradition across the country – Disastros Day.

Each team that hosts houston in a given season will have their own special Disastros Day celebration. In their first game of hosting that scumbag franchise, fans will sell out the stadium and boo the ever-loving shit out of them. The tradition will continue in perpetuity or until the astros win their first clean World Series, whichever comes first.

I see no reason why the MLB front office shouldn’t take it upon themselves to sanction and promote these events. They can think of all the money they’ll make and the deliberation ends right there. Back in spring training, the league was staring down a historic windfall from astros hate. By sanctioning the annual Disastros Days, they can make that money faucet pour forever (or until houston wins a clean World Series, whichever comes first).

While there will be many Disastros Day celebrations per year, there has to be one ‘official’ date for a nationally televised special. I’m okay with this being the first date the Dodgers host houston if the interleague schedule lines up that way. Otherwise, it should be the first date houston travels to (real) Texas. Sorry Yankees, y’all were gonna lose to LA anyways. Leave the honors to the original haters – the arch-rivals that drove houston to cheat in the first place.

Jesus fucking christ we were so good against these losers before they started cheating

New Baseball Tradition Proposal – Disastros Day

The Lakers Are Falling Apart and So Is LeBron’s Stupid Movie

Wilbanks, , ,

A year ago when the world was normal, the mercenaries that joined the Lakers had valid business reasons to work under the shitshow that is playing for LeBron. They expected to do his bidding while living a free life in LA, but this bubble tourney is way more than they bargained for. Ship jumping has commenced.

Avery Bradley opted out. Dwight Howard had to be begged and pleaded to come, but will probably follow in Bradley’s footsteps soon because his teammates are boring as shit (or they just hate him, or both). Jason Kidd is doing interviews and is probably checked out.

It took less than a day for Rajon Rondo to escape the bubble with a million dollar wound – a ‘broken thumb’ in his very first practice. This is no surprise coming from the smartest man in the league, so let’s take a quick aside to appreciate the common man’s hero of the NBA.

Rondo is a true mercenary with a pay:work ratio that awes us no less than it shames us. Besides coasting through every single regular season game with a steady 0% effort level, here are some other things Rondo has done to earn his $55M over the past five years:

  • Peacing out on the Mavs for an early vacation after 30 minutes of playoff basketball in 2015 because Carlisle wouldn’t let him call plays
  • Humiliating his old team in 2017 by singlehandedly carrying the Bulls to an upset over the Celtics, before peacing out for vacation with a ‘thumb injury’ before they could clinch
  • Singlehandedly reviving basketball in New Orleans by carrying the team to a sweep over the Blazers, and then peacing out for vacation right when the Warriors series started

The last point should be especially concerning for Lakers fans as anybody who’s followed AD from the start can remind you that he’s never come close to winning a series without riding the back of Playoff Rondo. 

Pre-Covid, LeBron Stans everywhere boasted their beliefs that the NBA would rig a title to the Lakers for Kobe. Why these people think LeBron of all people is worthy to honor Kobe beats me. It seems like they were opposites in the way they approached life, but to be fair this was also all before the Jordan documentary that reminded us what great American competitors are about. Even still, did they just forget that Dwight Howard was on the team too? Kobe HATED Dwight.

Fortunately the post-covid world can put those silly hopes and dreams to bed. Remember what this season was all about for LeBron – promoting his stupid movie. It started with him protecting his interests in China for that stupid movie, and it’s ending with him protecting his interests in China for that stupid movie. You know who has ZERO interest in seeing that stupid movie succeed? Disney.

They’re gonna want him the fuck out of that campus as soon as possible and I’m all in for watching that happen.  Fade the Lakers.

Round 1 lock – Pelicans in six.

The Lakers Are Falling Apart and So Is LeBron’s Stupid Movie

La’el Collins Earns His Death Star Stripes

Wilbanks, 1 Comment

The best way to live life is to make lemonade out of lemons, and that’s how the Cowboys ended up with their vaunted Death Star Line.  Back last decade when Romo held our balls to the fire and squeezed out the worst contract in franchise history, we had to gut our o-line and put Romo on the Russell Wilson plan.  That obviously didn’t work, so we tried to save his ass by going o-line first round in three straight drafts.

Tyron Smith, Travis Frederick, and Nick Martin anchored our line to one of the most dominant 5 year stretches in o-line history.  They weren’t great enough to save Romo (nobody is), but they’ve been immensely helpful in developing Dak into a perennial MVP candidate.  They are the only players of the Garrett era who belong in the Ring of Honor.

Father Time is undefeated however, and he struck early this spring when Travis Frederick retired from GBS.  Frederick was still good, but his official retirement statement explains that he was worried about slipping into a Witten-type presence that ends up hurting the team.  He will be missed.  Fortunately, a clone of him just graduated from Wisconsin as the top rated center and inexplicably fell to the fourth round.  Per WalterFootball…

Many haters point to Tyron Smith, who misses games ever year, as the next victim in Father’s Time crosshairs.  NFL executives disagree, ranking him as the unequivocal #1 lineman in the league.  It doesn’t matter even if he were to fall off because according to PFF’s newly released rankings, La’el Collins is a top 5 tackle.  He has finally earned his Death Star stripes.  Talk about an ultimate lemon to lemonade story!

Collins was a top 10 prospect of 2015, but became a UDFA after someone murdered his pregnant ex-girlfriend the night before the draft.  The OG Death Star trio invited him to Jerry’s house for a recruitment dinner, and he pounced on the opportunity to follow under their tutelage.  Jerry was particularly impressed by the fact that La’el Collins is an Eagle Scout, which is the same reason I never believed Throatzilla’s claims later that summer that Collins stiffed her on services to eat his ass out.

At first, Collins was dominant in his natural position at guard, but we took a few years to develop him at tackle for the long term good of the Death Star.  The plan has come to fruition now and Cowboys fans should be ecstatic.  I don’t want to get too hyperbolic because Larry Allen might just be the best football player ever, but Collins is the closest to a Larry Allen clone we’ve ever seen.

Am I happy that La’el Collins’s ex-girlfriend was murdered the night before the draft?  Of course not!  That was a horrible tragedy.  But God works in mysterious ways, and he knows that pancakes are best served with lemonade.

La’el Collins Earns His Death Star Stripes

College Football Is Moving to Spring. Time to Hammer the Canes

Wilbanks,

The Ivy League announced yesterday that fall sports were canceled, but they left open the possibility for a spring football season.  Judging by how prescient they were for the college basketball tourneys, this is likely a precursor of things to come for the rest of the NCAA (and high school).  Spring football is coming.

FBS conferences cannot afford to cancel the season, but it will also be impossible to contain covid on campuses.  College students fully complying with social distancing?  Fuhgettaboutit.  In fact, the PAC-12 has already confirmed they’ve started contingency plans for spring as well.

Spring football makes sense. Players at that age are already used to playing spring ball, just against their own teammates.  They are young enough to recover and reset for the following fall. We’d be able to have fans in stands, tailgates, and everything else that makes college football special. Spring also offers the blissful opportunity for nine straight months of football gambling, which will be awesome.

The gambling does not have to wait until spring because future markets are open right now and some of these lines will turn very juicy.  Longshots teams will get a boost from added variance and major roster disruptions for competitors.  The NFL says they won’t move the draft if college moved to spring, but it wouldn’t make much of a difference if they did – draft eligible players will sit out in droves regardless.  Anybody who would normally skip a bowl game (especially QBs and RBs) would skip the entire spring season.  After that, you can expect a lot of partial season absences for other players once their draft stocks solidify.

This why now is the time to pounce on The U at +9000.  The reasons are two-fold: (1) Trevor Lawrence is definitely not playing and (2) this kid becomes King of the ACC

Other Plays

-Michigan +4500 because Ohio State will have the same predicaments as Clemson

-Notre Dame +3000 because money matters in times like these

EDIT: hours after posting this, the Big 10 and Pac 12 announced they’ll be doing conference only fall schedules.  I don’t think that holds.  But if it does, that canceled Michigan/Notre Dame game would’ve helped a ton if you read my advice and gambled in time. You’re welcome

College Football Is Moving to Spring. Time to Hammer the Canes

How Will Bubble Celibacy Alter the NBA Playoffs?

Wilbanks,

If you’re part of the 60% that believes in science these days, then you should feel good about the prospects for the NBA bubble.  According to experts, the only risk is that the measures are too stringent and exhaustive – it’s gotta be a beating to relocate from a mansion to a hotel room for three months.  There’s also the very valid concern that players will become overly horny…

The physical effects of celibacy for athletes is up to debate.  Italy’s manager in the 1990 World Cup was the first famous instance of mandatory abstinence, and they got third place.  Tyson Fury abstained for 12 weeks leading up to his first Wilder fight, which ended in a draw.  For the rematch, he jacked off seven times a day and ended up dominating the fight, but that also might be due to his daily cunnilingus routine to strengthen his neck.  Inter Milan manager Antonio Conte advises a compromise stance of having a lot of low-effort sex, but they’ve ended up as trash this year.

While the physical effects are inconclusive, the mental effects will undoubtedly take a toll on many players.  These guys have had pussy on demand since middle school.  Now, they’ll have to go at least one month before family and partners can join the bubble.  Even after that, mental health probably won’t improve as anyone who has spent quarantine with a female chaperone can attest.

So which team will benefit the most from this new mental health playing field?  The obvious answer is the Dallas Mavericks.  KP got extorted by a crazy bitch last year, so he’s probably less interested in random strange than he used to be.  Luka comes from a place where the average woman is a dime in America, and the American dimes just remind him of his mom.  So he’ll probably be used to the feeling anyway.

I think it’s safe to say that our Euro squad has never felt a boner for an American stripper.  Their horniness level will be on par with the Redeem Team walking the streets of Beijing – that is, none.  Huge advantage for the Mavs.

Even before this crisis hit, I was confident in our chances against any team except the Clippers.  Now, that confidence is through the roof.  Luka was getting the shit beaten out of him all season long with the refs apparently putting him through a hazing period, and now he is fresh.  In fact, because Luka and KP were able to gtfo of America for all this, they’ve had access to better workouts and are currently the most fit players in the league (source: Cubes radio interview).

Our defense Moses, Avery Johnson, makes a lot of astute basketball points as well…

A healthy KP brick walls the rim.  A healthy Luka means a historically great offense.  Carlisle the GOAT-in-training.  Seth Curry hitting 45% from three, plus a bunch of other shooters. Etc. Etc. We are fucking awesome.

Mavs +4000 but the line won’t be there for long.  Hammer it now and get rich.

PS – Obligatory…

How Will Bubble Celibacy Alter the NBA Playoffs?

We’re on to Inter Miami

Wilbanks,

Welp, it looks like we’re on to Inter Miami season as the Spurs campaign is all but in a coffin.  Getting healthy from covid gave us a lot of hope, but the season was already too fucked.  Running the table over the final six games might give us a shot at Champions League, especially considering that Sheffield have hopes themselves now as they play most of our competitors in remaining H2Hs.  But it’s doubtful.

Spurs actually did show some heart early on.  We played like the way better team in the first half except for the one time we fucked up like we have all season.  Even after that, it looked like we fought back with an immediate equalizer until VAR and that stupid handball rule screwed us.  It was the worst overturning of a goal I’ve ever in VAR so far.  Except, well… this one against us back in November

Five whole minutes to confirm that Sheffield was a millimeter offside.  And that is why we do not have the right to complain about VAR against Sheffield (or ever after Champion’s League last year.  I like VAR!  Just not for these stupid meticulous handball checks).

That first Sheffield game was the single worst game I’ve ever experienced as a fan.  Robbing one of the poor teams over bullshit like that and yet we still couldn’t win.  It was so embarrassing that Poch, our beloved Moses and Messiah, had to be sacked right afterwards.

In the second fixture on Thursday, the reverse happened.  However, despite being the deeper, healthier, and far more talented squad with five subs available, we collapsed in the same way we did back in November.  These two games have been a microcosm of the entire Spurs season – one that should be forgotten forever. 

The season is over, and we’ll be preparing for next year with a lot of questions regarding both players and manager.  I do think things will be better.  Over the past five years, we’ve played a schedule as rigorous as the super rich teams, but without any depth and no reprieves on international breaks.  With a frenetic, high energy press for most of that.  Getting to 2nd place last year was incredible and beyond our wildest dreams, but the tank was emptied.  Missing out on Europe for a season could be a blessing in disguise.

Until then, we turn our eyes to the beloved Inter Miami.  

+3300 odds to win the ‘MLS Is Back’?  A summer tournament in Florida?  Lock. It. Up!!  At least one of our teams will be playing Champion’s League next year.

We’re on to Inter Miami

Whiny Bitches in Netball and Baseball

Wilbanks, ,

Last week, the wide world of sports experienced a shockwave from Australia when their netball league added a controversial 2 point shot.  Players are upset because the league did not consult with them for the rule change, but after further research I can conclude that those players are being whiny bitches.

The current game is boring as shit – there’s on average 80 total goals in a match and all of them are shot within two feet of the basket.  The YouTube highlights are just plain awful and it was obvious within seconds that this was a much needed rule change.  In fact, I don’t know how netball was ever watchable to begin with, but apparently this rule change will take the style of play back to older days when it was more exciting…

You know what sport also used to be way more exciting than it is today?  America’s national pastime.  Did you know that baseball games are now 45 minutes longer than they were when the sport was popular?  Well now you do.

Manfred’s #1 priority since taking over as commissioner has been pace of play.  We’ve gotten mound visit limits, shorter commercial breaks, and this season we’ll have extra-inning baserunners and no more LOOGYs.  However, the single most obvious and pressing need, the PITCH CLOCK, keeps getting railroaded by the MLBPA.  If only Manfred had the same powers over his whiny bitches as the netball commissioner has, I might have friends that care about baseball again.

So spare me the grief from all those stupid covid negotiations.  The owners are crooked as hell no doubt, but that doesn’t mean we have to sympathize with these white millionaire assholes one bit.  If any of the Latin American players were throwing hissy fits online about ‘the system’, I would give them credence.  Instead, we get stupid catfights between Trevor Bauer and Aubrey Huff, two rich white guys who were blessed enough to join pay-to-play youth travel squads that real American athletes can’t afford.  Ian Desmond was right.

Meanwhile, they turn their backs on the fans.  They pissed away the opportunity to recapture a huge market with July baseball spotlighted across a very bored America.  I don’t care if they’re at more fault than wicked owners or not.  If they want sympathy from the fans, then they need to start giving back to the fans for once.

Not fighting tooth and nail to protect little shits like this dude on a 13 year, $330 million(!) contract.

Fuck outta here…  PITCH CLOCK – NOW!

Whiny Bitches in Netball and Baseball

Crybaby Tanguy Ndombele Says He Will Never Play for Mourinho Again

Wilbanks, ,

Here is a full compilation of Tanguy Ndombele’s highlights from the 2019-2020 season

https://twitter.com/PaxtonRoadLower/status/1160839161869492230?s=20

That’s it. It’s just that one highlight. Don’t get me wrong, it was awesome and was the very first game of the season and the greatest first impression for a record signing ever. But after that – just a bunch of injuries and a big bag of nothing.

Remember in 2017 when Rougned Odor hit two home runs on Opening Day and then proceeded to have the worst statistical season in baseball history?  Well I do.  Ndombele’s Spurs season was kind of like that.  He is the Rougie Odor of EPL, but way more expensive.

Fortunately by the grace of god, last summer’s transfers also included a player of the same age and position as Ndombele – Giovani Lo Celso – and he is fucking awesome.  This Four Four Two article explains how awesome he is better than I could ever do, and it will have any Spurs fan running through a brick wall.  Since the restart, he’s only looked better.

So when news came down that Ndombele said he will never play for Mourinho again, it wasn’t that concerning.  People want to raise alarms about Mourinho and his history of clashing with players, most notably his recent feud with Pogba with ManU, but there are some key differences between the two.  (1) Mourinho always had Pogba’s back in public, while with Ndombele he’s not been shy to give an honest public scathing.  (2) Pogba showed flashes of brilliance, while Ndombele has that one sick goal and nothing else.

In fact, looking back on the Pogba saga, I think Mourinho handled it in a commendable manner.  The media hates him because he’s an arrogant asshole, but he always speaks the truth (I love him).  Pogba was an overpaid little shit until the 2018 World Cup when he finally accepted the role that Mourinho always pushed him to be in.  Pogba is thriving now because of it, but Mourinho was sacked before this came to fruition.  Maybe if ManU had Captain Hugo instead of de Gea, things would be different.

Still, it’s a bit disappointing that after shocking the world and making it all the way to 2nd place in Europe, we finally had some cash to splash and our record signing turns out to be a dud.  That’s why we should’ve gone harder for the sure thing in Dybala, but alas that is in the past.  And because of Lo Celso, it won’t be so bad taking a loss to transfer Tanguy out of here.  Barcelona, PSG, and Bayern Munich have already inquired about possible swaps or transfers.

*record screech!!!*

Wait a minute waittt a minnuttte…  Barca, PSG, and Bayern?  Those are some pretty damn prestigious clubs to be interested in a player who’s barely played.  Maybe we are underrating the talent that made him our record signing in the first place?

Mourinho spoke on it yesterday and reminded the press that great teams need rotational depth to win their trophies.  When healthy, we have that for the first time ever (thanks covid!).  He compared the situation to Luka Modric’s first year at Madrid, during which he was widely criticized before becoming one of the best players of all time.  He also said that Tanguay will play today.  I hope he does, he plays well, and he stops being a whiny baby from here on out so we can be great.

Crybaby Tanguy Ndombele Says He Will Never Play for Mourinho Again