As RG3 left the Redskins locker room for the final time of his career yesterday, he claimed that he had nothing to tell reporters.  However, the media found that to be a lie when they went to his locker and found a passive aggressive message in the form of a bible verse and a Mother Teresa poem…

This.  This encapsulates so much of what people hate about Baylor.  It’s not how obnoxiously they bitch and moan about the ‘lack of respect’ for their cartoon football team as they blow out cupcake squads every September and October.  It’s not the fact that they always clamor to be labeled as elite despite the fact that they’ve never won a top tier bowl game and are less than five years removed from their first ever winning season in the Big 12.  It’s the insufferable culture amongst students and alums embodied by this stupid note…

These squares are the celibate, bible-thumping, ‘sober annoying’ people that just don’t have a grip on modern society.  You see, despite the mediocre education and shitty campus life in Waco, Baylor students take pride in shelling out $50k/year to be at a place that is ‘unambiguously Christian’.  They claim to be one of the last institutions left to be “founded on Christian principles (and not begin) a relentless retreat from their spiritual heritage.”

I’m obviously as annoyed as anybody else by these crazies who throw their values in your face whenever they get a chance.  However, my vexation peaks whenever I come across these zealots and their real life actions and habits reflect anything but their religious ideals.  And when it comes to Baylor athletics, you’ll find yourself quite the paradigm of that hypocrisy…

Take, for example, the 2003 murder scandal on their basketball team, which is second only to Sandusky as the most horrific athletic scandal in the history of the NCAA.  In short, one of their players murdered a fellow teammate.  Their scumbag coach was worried about much of his blatant cheating and lack of institutional control being uncovered, so he trained his players to fabricate a story on how the victim was paying for school through drug dealing.  It was not a good look.

They eventually recovered from that scandal thanks to star players like LaceDarius Dunn, who beat the shit out of his girlfriend and broke her jaw.

Most recently, we learned about Sam Ukwuachu, the backup defensive end that Baylor sheltered and gave an education to despite the fact that he raped another student.  It wasn’t your run-of-the-mill college rape accusation, either.  He was tried and convicted, and Texas Monthly provided the disturbing details of how he violently took the victim’s virginity against her will.  Baylor also oversaw these criminal actions and gave Ukwuachu help brushing it under the rug despite earlier warnings about his nut job tendencies from his previous coaches at Boise State.  Even by my typically mild standards for athletic programs and player behavior, that is really fucked up.

Needless to say, despite reminding the media how Christian he is, I don’t foresee RG3 taking the time to go back and reread his lord’s teachings on humility.  Have fun in Houston homie!

A lot of football fans may have forgotten Joey Porter’s name until Saturday night, but his knucklehead behavior has been a part of AFC North lore for over a decade.  A few of my favorite highlights include…

• The time in 2000 when he kept trying to paralyze Browns punter Chris Gardocki
• A 2003 incident when he randomly got shot in the ass while standing around as an ‘innocent bystander’ at a bar on the wrong side of town
• His ejection during warmups of a 2004 matchup at Cleveland when he brawled with Browns RB William Green (starting James Harrison’s career)…

His greatest knucklehead moment, however, came in 2006 when, despite having just signed with Miami, his years of pent-up Bengals hatred boiled over at a casino in Las Vegas…

Joey Porter may be too old for fistfights by this point, but he proved he can still get under his rivals’ skins on Saturday night when he goaded Pacman Jones into the dumbest penalty in the history of the NFL playoffs…

Absolutely ridiculous…  Joey Porter knew exactly what he was doing there and the Bengals are fucking morons for taking that bait, especially when you consider all the pregame warnings the league gave out.  Bullshit call or not, it doesn’t change the fact that all you have to do is keep your mouth shut and cover somebody one more time to move on to New England.

The Burfict penalty was also unacceptable.  It’s a textbook example of the CTE-inducing hit that the NFL has been persistently reiterating can no longer be a part of the game.  It was pretty much the only way a linebacker could fuck up the game in that situation, and somehow Burfict managed to pull it off.

This brings us to Marvin Lewis…  If the Bengals were an organization that truly cared about winning, they would’ve sacked this dude by now.  Even when he’s gifted the opportunity to swap out a choke artist quarterback for Mr. Clutch himself (and boy was McCarron clutch), he still loses playoff games because his players do not have the mental tenacity to come through in the big moment.

Some people say that players like Burfict and Jones would be out of control no matter who was coaching them and that you can’t lay blame on Lewis’s shoulders, but that’s ridiculous.  We’ve been hearing about undisciplined Bengals players for over a decade now because of a culture that Lewis has tolerated for far too long.  Remember in 2006 when they racked up twelve arrests on the year?  Remember when they had both Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens on the same team?  Remember when Carson Palmer would’ve rather retired than deal with the mess up there for another season?

Paul Brown would’ve sacked this bum a long time ago because he was a winner.  His son, on the other hand, doesn’t give a shit.  He is never going to fire a coach that can consistently reach the baseline level of mediocrity required to pique a profitable amount of fan interest, so Marvin Lewis is safe for as long as it takes Bengals fans to wise up.  Sucks for them…

Kansas football coach Charlie Weis reacts while answering a question during a news conference in Lawrence, Kan., Friday, Dec. 9, 2011. Weis says that Kansas offered him an opportunity too good to pass up: The chance to rebuild a long-suffering program and mend his own tarnished reputation.(AP Photo/Orlin Wagner)

I admit that ever since I saw those sorry scumbags in Veterans Stadium cheer on Michael Irvin’s stretcher, the Eagles have usually been awesome and always terrified me more than any other team.  That is, until they hired Chip Kelly…

We all saw the train wreck that was Steve Spurrier in Washington, and it was pretty obvious this was gonna fare worse.  Kelly had an even zanier version of cartoon football that he used against historically pathetic defenses in the Pac-12, and still found a way to choke every year.

Needless to say, it’s been pretty fucking dope watching this catastrophe in Philly hit its peak this year.  Not only did he ruin the team, he absolutely shattered the collective soul of the Eagles fanbase.  Those same assholes that built such a badass reputation with their ‘Brotherly Love’ were reduced to a pathetic state of denial last spring as they tried to cope with all of the asinine moves their ‘mad genius’ was making.

While I thought it was clear by now that Kelly doesn’t belong in the league, for some reason I hear rumblings that he might actually make a good fit in San Francisco as long as he’s not the GM…  Because Colin Kaepernick is a mobile QB?  Seriously?  Get the fuck outta here….

He is garbage.  Always has been, always will be.  In fact, the more you think about his run in Philly, it’s interesting to note how eerily similar it was to Charlie Weis’s at Notre Dame.  They both…

• Came into prominence with an insufferable level of arrogance over their supposed ‘decided schematic advantages’
• Won in their first years with teams that their predecessors built
• Got fired after losing with ridiculously easy schedules
• Disgusted viewers with their morbid levels of obesity

If Chip does end up going to San Francisco, I can easily envision a short tenure there where he takes arguably the worst team in the league and decimates it into one of the worst teams in NFL history.  Which, ironically enough, would seem exactly like what Charlie Weis just did at Kansas…

If you were living under a rock last year when the story about Greg Hardy beating his ex-girlfriend was all over the news, you were in luck this past November when Deadspin’s Diana Moskovitz released a 4,000 word exposé about how, well, Greg Hardy beat up his ex-girlfriend last year.  There was absolutely nothing new in the story, but we got to see pictures!

The approved Kinja commenters were undoubtedly thrilled to rediscover today that Adrian Peterson hit his kid last year.  The rest of us have been over it for well past a year now.

This is starting to get tiresome…  How many decades do we have to go through this endless debate?  Some athletes are bad people.  Some people want us to feel bad about watching athletes perform.  Those same people then consume pro sports anyway.  And then nothing changes, because why should it?

The worst part about this whole AP story is that the Vikings made him stay with the team this year…  Whipping a kid is a petty crime compared to a ton of other shit NFL players have done, yet the Vikings still sat him out the whole season.  All because some shitty Radisson hotel chain tried to grandstand and get their name out there by pretending to care about the morals of the freaking NFL…  That’s fucking ridiculous.

It’s cool that the Vikings are in the playoffs and all, but you’ve got to feel for AP knowing he just spent one of his last prime years slaving away for those pussies in the upper midwest.  If he had gotten his wish and come down to Dallas, we’d be on our way to a fucking Super Bowl right now.

He’d also be playing for a fanbase that actually wanted and deserved him.  If AP was a Cowboy last year and some hotel tried to call for his suspension, you can bet your ass we’d set up a boycott.  If for some reason our governor said he wanted AP gone, we’d impeach that lying sack of shit.

Minnesota priorities:

1. Moralistic grandstanding
2. Winning

Texas priorities:

1. Winning
2. Winning
3. Winning

So RG3 wants to come back to Dallas, huh?  Fuck that.  If he comes back here, I will seriously ponder joining my former friends who pretended to disown the Cowboys when we signed Greg Hardy.

No football season has caused me bigger headaches and made me tune out more than his 2012 rookie year…  The way the media hyped him up was absolutely sickening.  It’s not completely his fault they anointed him as a Black Jesus over a few cool highlight runs, but boy did he soak that spotlight up.  So much so that when his coach wanted to progress him out of running the read option every other play before teams learned how to stop it, he became too cool to listen.

Everyone blames Shanahan for leaving him in the game against Seattle, but Griffin himself is also to blame for being too hot shit to admit how fucked his knee was.  That injury was the comeuppance he deserved and I’m glad it happened as soon as it did.

I thought people would cool down on him the next year, but much to my chagrin, I still got so many fucking Subway commercials thrown in my face and heard so many stupid promos about the most narcissistic documentary ever made.  Seriously, that comeback special was worse than most of the things LeBron does…

Then, finally by the end of 2013, people realized he was actually a fucking terrible quarterback and a huge piece of shit as a person.  Finally!

Is he just gonna magically change by coming to Dallas?  No.

Some people may call me a hypocrite after I said basically the exact opposite about Johnny Football, but there is a huge difference here.  Manziel might be a dirtbag as a drunk (I’ve never seen him do anything bad, only be a bro but whatevs), but RG3 is an annoying sober person.  Nothing is worse than an annoying sober person.  Those people are the absolute worst and cannot be trusted, especially with the offense of America’s Team.

Johnny Football – fuck yeah, bring him in

RG3 – fuck you, go to Houston

PS – One thing I really need to get off my chest…  Every article I read about how exciting his 2012 season was mentions his week 1 win at New Orleans, and that needs to stop.  That game was the worst.  What do you do when you play a team without a coach?  Run the same stupid play over and over again!

Garbage.

• Separated shoulder
• Two broken ribs
• Lacerated kidney
• Torn abdomen

All in 7 games for a 26 year old, 240 pound QB who was previously renowned for his durability.  Damn, that really blows for Andrew Luck…  Maybe if his dipshit GM had put together a semi-competent offensive line, Luck wouldn’t be the most criminally depreciated asset in the league and we could watch him on Saturday instead of fucking Brian Hoyer…

Nope.  Instead, Ryan Grigson went out and got two ancient veterans in Johnson and Gore, paid TY Hilton top 5 money, and drafted a #4 WR in the first round.  Not one o-lineman in the draft, and only one guard in free agency who has already been waived.

After three drafts that have resulted in nothing except the most obvious #1 pick in the history of the league, getting trade raped by the Browns, and finally the disaster that was this past offseason, you’d think it’d be the obvious move for Jim Irsay to can Grigson…  Again, nope.  Instead, he rewarded Grigson with a contract extension and said his performance in Indy is exceeding the hall of fame career of Bill Polian’s.

What a load of shit.

The Colts picked up Luck’s 5th year option for 2016 last spring, but if I’m Luck, there’s no way in hell I’m stepping on a football field as a Colt again. He needs to pull an Eli Manning and force his way out of this sad sack franchise to keep his career from going to waste and his health intact.

This isn’t a Dez Bryant situation where he needs a new contract to keep from scraping by.  He’s already made $20M, has a Stanford degree, and his father is Oliver Luck.  He doesn’t need this shit.

Go land some sick deals repping some architecture firm for a year.  Force a trade to the Jets and easily start winning multiple Super Bowls and become a football and marketing god.  Do anything but play another down for Jim Irsay and the Colts.

PS – Irsay is garbage, but it doesn’t get more bro than this quote…

I could’ve walked someone in that door tonight or tomorrow night and have them walking in with eight figures a year and making a big splash

You know that feeling when a franchise quarterback falls all the way to the middle of the first round and that mediocre 8-8 football team you love has a chance to steal him, but they pass on him for some guard you’ve never heard of?  It sucks…

Everybody says drafting Zack Martin was the right thing to do for the franchise even though we’ve only been .500 over the past two years and are still stuck with a dinosaur at quarterback…  Needless to say, I am fucking stoked about all the latest news regarding Johnny Manziel coming to America’s Team.

The general rule of thumb for young adults is that you’ll be happy as long as you either love your job or love the city you live in.  Well, Johnny Football’s employers suck and his city sucks even worse.  If you don’t realize that all these off field ‘incidents’ are a ploy to finally free himself from the Factory of Sadness, you’re being naive.

Some people say that Manziel is clearly an alcoholic and you can’t trust an alcoholic.  What?  Fuck that.  So many athletes are alcoholics…  Every single baseball player that’s ever lived, half of the NBA, I’m sure all of the NHL, and even some hall of fame quarterbacks like Joe Namath, Brett Favre, and Ben Roethlisberger are all alcoholics.  Almost every corporate executive I know of is an alcoholic.  Who gives a fuck about ‘alcoholism’ as long as you can perform?

True story: I used to travel all the time for my job, and one time my team had a long layover so we all went to the lounge.  When it was time to board, a bunch of my colleagues left with their wine glasses still half full, and I was buzzed enough to think it was a great idea to chug every one of them before leaving in order to prevent any ‘alcohol abuse’ from occurring.  That’s when I realized I was no doubt an alcoholic myself.  Did I care?  Fuck no.  My boss didn’t care either because I got shit done for her.

Yes, Johnny Football’s performance in Cleveland has been spotty, but it’s clear that the talent is there.  It’s easy to conceive that once he realizes how much better life in Dallas is compared to College Station and Cleveland, the ensuing elation will lead him to translate all of his previous degenerative alcoholism into high-functioning alcoholism.

#4 draft pick and the future franchise quarterback coming our way for cheap?  The sports gods are smiling upon me today, and it feels good!

Throughout all the ups and downs of my love/hate relationship with Deadspin, I’ve always considered Tom Ley one of the good bloggers.  However, someone needs to call him out on the garbage he posted yesterday afternoon.

In the piece, titled “Shitty Cricket Man Harasses Female Sideline Reporter”, he lambasts some cricket player for hitting on the broad that was interviewing him…

You’re calling this dude shitty?  Fuck that.  He’s a bro!  Don’t bro hate.  I’m a Deadspin reader, not a Jezebel reader.  I don’t think it’s cool to bro hate…

Besides, it would be hypocritical for any Deadspin writer to criticize athletes who flirt with female reporters, considering that Drew Magary has carried that site on his shoulder so many times.  He got his journalism career off the ground with a bunch of other Deadspin commenters through Kissing Suzy Kolber….

If Deadspin calls that Jamaican bro above shitty but their most esteemed colleague patronizes Joe Namath, the only conclusion I can come up with is that they are covert racists (also don’t get me started on their Jameis Winston coverage).

I know I should be happy after winning a fuck ton of money but what the fuck it is impossible to not be infuriated at the fact that the Chiefs are already in the playoffs.  This has to be a joke.  They fucking suck!

They played good teams at the beginning of the year when they had Jamaal Charles and they shat the bed every week.  Now they’re playing all the shitty teams on their worst weeks and they get to clinch before a team that’s had to battle all year like the Steelers?  Fuck that.

I remember back when it was cool to talk shit about Andy Reid and argue that he was an overrated coach that always fucked up in the playoffs.  That was back when I was about 13…  For some reason it’s still a thing to this day and man i dunno whether to be ashamed or impressed

A quick recap of the past week…

Motivation: catching up to the winnings of this cunt.

Christmas Eve locks: 3-0, +3 units

Boxing Day locks: 6-0, +5.6 units

That puts me at 9-0 and up $86k in just three days.  Well fuck yeah…  What a magical holiday season for Wilbanks (and anybody following me)!

I doubt I go undefeated again today because I have a higher quantity of picks, but there is no doubt in my mind I’ll be in there green on the day and will probably have matched the $100k of that dumb bitch in Vegas by the end of the day.

Browns +12.5 at Chiefs

The Chiefs will probably win, but they’re not good enough to be laying this many points.  I’ll take my boy Johnny Football getting spotted multiple scores.

Colts (+120 moneyline) at Dolphins

The line is 2.5, but I don’t see how the Colts lose this game.  Matt Hasselbeck is starting and the Dolphins fucking blow.

Jets +3 vs Pats

These games are really competitive even when the Jets suck, and now the Jets are decent.  The Pats are sorting through injury issues and don’t need this win as badly as the Jets.  I’ll definitely take the home team spotted a field goal.

Falcons +7.5 vs Panthers

I know the Panthers are awesome and the Falcons suck, but it’s really hard to lay a ton of points like this on the road against a division rival, especially in the second matchup of the season.  These teams play each other too much and are too familiar with each other for blowouts to be commonplace.  If the Saints can cover this spread, the Falcons can.

Ravens +10 vs Steelers

Same logic as the Falcons/Panthers game, except now we’re getting even more points with the home team.  And we get John Harbaugh game planning for us instead of Dan Quinn?  Yes please!

Titans +4 (-120) vs Texans

I really wish my boy Mariota was playing, but I’m still comfortable getting 4 points at home against a dog shit Texans team starting Brandon Weeden.  The line is 3.5, but the price for buying up to 4 was cheap so might as well take a little insurance.

Cowboys +6.5 at Bills

The Cowboys suck, but the Bills also suck and should not be laying 6.5 points.  Cowboys players (like their starting QB Kellen Moore) are playing for their jobs next year while rumor has it the Bills are rolling their eyes at Rex Ryan these day.

Cardinals -207 moneyline vs Packers

Carson Palmer at home against a suspect pass D?  They definitely gonna win.

Rams +14 (-140) at Seahawks

The Rams have QB issues, but they’ve always had QB issues and are still always competitive against the Seahawks.  I think their defense gets enough done to keep this within two scores.  The line is 13.5 but I bought a half point.

Giants +7 at Vikings

If the Packers lose today, the Vikings could very well be resting players and hiding their best plays for the NFC North championship game next week.  Even without Beckham, 7 points is way too much to lay against Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin.

Navy -3 vs Pitt

Navy is awesome and Pitt sucks.  Do you think Keenan Reynolds is gonna let a loss happen in the Military Bowl???  Fuck no.

Bengals +3.5 at Broncos

Getting a field goal and the hook with my boy AJ McCarron and the stacked Bengals roster?  Yeah I’ll take that.